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Original poster

Is a 21 month age gap a good idea?

22 replies

Claraa2018 · 23/08/2020 21:20

Hi all, I was hoping to get some advice. We currently have a one year old wonderful DD. We are considering trying for a second this month or next, which would give us a 21/22 month age gap with a possible second child (if we succeed which is not at all certain). We would like to try for a second very soon as we had IVF to conceive our first (I have a medical condition which made this necessary) and I had a miscarriage and am in my late thirties. However, I am also wondering whether this age gap is a good idea. In my own family, several of my siblings had 20-22 month age gaps and my mother was very overwhelmed and there was a lot of tension (we had a very large family and in many ways that was a different context but it just makes me slightly worry). Our DD has a wonderful character and is currently very happy and loved but I wonder if waiting longer would be better in terms of her being able to understand what is happening. I also worry about giving a new child the love and attention we gave our first. We also wonder how tiring it would be to have 2 under 2 - we are feeling a bit less tired as our daughter is sleeping better at night but I am still bf and have had little childcare and no family support. I would love to hear your thoughts. I am sure I am making mountains out of molehills as I would be delighted to try for a sibling for our DD and we'd make it work, but I also would love to hear what others think (as we will get fertility treatment again we will only have a few chances, so I'm probably thinking about this more than I would if we were just trying naturally). Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

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lorisparkle · 23/08/2020 21:31

I have a 21 month gap between ds1 and ds2. Whilst it was hard work at the beginning and the first year was physically tiring it was easier when they were toddlers as they were interested in the same thing so days out were simple. I then had ds3 when ds1 was 4 and again as they were all so close in age it was hard work at the beginning but the younger two are still very close as preteens.

Thneedville · 23/08/2020 21:48

20 month gap, now age 10 and 8.

Positives:

one school year apart (obviously not the case for many with this gap), really convenient in so many ways.
the baby/toddler years were fine. I was in the flow and just got on with it.
lots of things were easier, eg I didn’t have to worry about dc2 picking up dc1s toys when he was a baby, because there was nothing small.
Pretty much always been able to enjoy the same days out/ groups/ in the same sports teams/ play with each other’s friends etc
I got my weekend lie in back much quicker than if I’d waited a couple of years (actually this should be the first point!)

Negatives:

all the milestones are over too quickly, didn’t have time to savour anything.
they fight. Constantly. It’s probably their characters rather than the age gap, but they get particularly upset about one winning or one having something the other doesn’t, so I think it’s the smaller gap too.
I think with a bigger gap DC1 might be more helpful and considerate with DC2. Not only do they fight but there is a huge size difference- DC1 is very tall and DC2 is very small- you wouldn’t get a 12 year old leaping on a 7 year old (I hope), but they are those sizes.

Thneedville · 23/08/2020 21:49

10 and 9, not 10 and 8

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Rubyroost · 23/08/2020 22:59

26 month age gap here and its great. My toddker has been so helpful getting nappies and clothes out for his baby brother. And kisses and cuddles him, absolutely adores him. It's a joy to see. Oh, he also tries to sit on him and threw his shoes at him today. 😂

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2020 23:03

24 month age gap here. I loved it.

gower4 · 23/08/2020 23:06

25 month age gap - absolutely lovely

ChrisPrattsFace · 23/08/2020 23:09

I have a one year old and we’re trying for the next, me and my brother are a similar age gap and my mum loved it.
Also, as someone has said it gets the ‘difficult!’ Parts over with together. I absolute love being a mum more than anything, but having two toddlers appeals to me more than an older toddler and a baby, meaning my sleep pattern should be better, quicker.. if that makes sense 😂

Original poster

Claraa2018 · 24/08/2020 10:01

Thanks all, that is very helpful. I read that a small age gap can be great in terms of reducing sibling rivalry and creating a close bond but I guess it can go the other way too and depends on personalities. I can see how less attention to mile stones is a draw back when they are close together - hopefully by being aware of it we can try to compensate a bit. ChrisPrattsFace, good luck with TTC! So nice to hear that you and your mum loved this gap. I think we will start trying now - just slightly nervous. Regular sleep sooner sound like a big advantage.

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Original poster

Claraa2018 · 24/08/2020 10:30

Would people who already have two children say there is a big difference in child comprehension if the older child is 21 months versus 24 and above? It is hard for us to know as this is our first child and she's only 12 months old now. I thought it would be nice to be able to explain what's happening to her before we try to bring home a new child but I'm not sure what they comprehend when they are that young?

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MrsKeats · 24/08/2020 10:32

I had 26 months between my 2-it's hard but pays dividends later I think as they were are close enough in age to not mind doing similar things.

InDubiousBattle · 24/08/2020 10:36

We have a 19 month gap and it's great! Ds had no comprension at all when I was pregnant, we would talk about it but I don't believe he understood. He was still thrilled to bits when we brought her home and there wasn't any jealousy. They're 5 and 6 now and they bicker occasionally but are best friends and get on very well.

Rubyroost · 24/08/2020 11:18

It's likely you won't get pregnant straight away anyway, so that question may be obselete. Sorry, don't want to piss on your bonfire. You clearly want another kid, just get on it and good luck

Original poster

Claraa2018 · 24/08/2020 11:53

Hi Ruby, no need to apologise but I think I said the same thing myself at the start... As I mentioned we will have fertility treatment so I am thinking about timing more than I would usually.

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Rubyroost · 24/08/2020 12:57

Aahhhh sorry @claraa2018 didn't realise, I saw you said you had it and thought you might be trying naturally this time. I hope it works first time for you. 🤞 If your little one is 12 months now though and you're having fertility treatment (I'm assuming it's in the future) Then will be 22 months at least. It's amazing what they comprehend really.

surreygirl1987 · 24/08/2020 13:27

We have a 21 months gap and the youngest is 6 weeks old! Honestly it's chaos but I can already see how wonderful this will be. We have some childcare for the oldest though which help. It will be hard financially whn I return to work as nursery fees for 2 are loads... But worth it.

Original poster

Claraa2018 · 24/08/2020 15:18

@surreygirl1987, that is great to know. I'm sure it will turn out wonderfully when they are a bit older. It is great to have some childcare for the older one. @Rubyroost, no problem. Sadly, it's the other way around - we tried for a long time naturally for our first before being referred for treatment, which helped me get pregnant with her. We tried a few months naturally this time too but were advised we'd need treatment again. I think doing fertility treatment again made me worry a bit (I also wanted to be as rested as possible before starting to give it the best chance of working but not wait too long either). But you are right that it's best to just get going. We are actually signed up to start treatment in a couple days so that is why I suddenly thought I'd get a second opinion and took to Mumsnet.:)

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Rubyroost · 24/08/2020 21:38

@Claraa2018 we would have had our second when our first was 15 months. Sadly it didn't happen and had some devastating news at my 12 week scan, baby was alive but very poorly. I think in terms of age gaps sometimes the smaller age gap is easier. My first was relatively easy until he reached his terrible twos and he seemed to be in the middle of them (26 months) when the second arrived. Therefore it may be easier having your second earlier, rather than later.

DappledThings · 24/08/2020 21:55

We have a 22 month gap. They are now 2.5 and 4.5 and are best of friends. They play really well together and can be easily bathed together etc. They like a lot of the same stories, toys and tv shows.

DC1 was late to toilet train and DC2 was fairly early so we had both of them out of nappies within a fairly short timeframe of each other and DC1 napped for up to 2 hours still till he was over 3 so there many days in DC2's first year when I had them both napping together and had a nice chunk of downtime in the afternoon!

Original poster

Claraa2018 · 25/08/2020 10:06

@Rubyroost, I am so sorry to hear this. This must have been heartbreaking and I'm so glad you got your rainbow baby later. Our miscarriage was also diagnosed in a scan and it was awful (they had us come back two weeks later and scanned us again just to be sure). @DappledThings, this sounds wonderful. Hopefully it will happen sooner than later for us too.

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RunningFromInsanity · 25/08/2020 10:12

23months between me and my sister and we are really close. Always have been as children and now as adults we go on holiday together, speak most days etc.

daisypond · 25/08/2020 10:26

Mine are 21 months apart. It’s great. My first baby was easy and that’s what probably prompted us to have another soon. The second was harder. But they got on well, we could do all things that interested them on days out, holidays etc, they played together, watched the same TV or films, they shared a room until they left home - they’re now working/students at university and are very close.

Zad22 · 17/10/2023 23:53

Came across this thread as I’m in the exact same situation as OP, fertility treatment for DD1 who is now 8 months and planning to have 2nd FET in Jan when she will be 11 months. It’s likely to be a successful implantation given our circumstances… we would like to have the time / chance to try naturally for a 3rd I am 37 now so time is not on my side in terms of fertility hence planning for number 2 so soon but perhaps I am being hasty… thoughts welcome and wondering the outcome of OPs decision

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