Nursery Woes

[bestnest]

It was my DDs first settling in session at nursery yesterday. She was fine when I was with her, but had a meltdown when I left the room and after 10 mins they brought her back out to me as she had got herself into a state.

She has 2 x 3 hour sessions by herself next week and I'm dreading them. The guilt is awful. She'll be doing 3 days a week moving forwards.

Please can anyone share their experience? Does it always get better? Or do some babies just hate being left? I don't think being a lockdown baby has helped as she isn't used to being without me. I feel terrible.

(She's 11 months old)

Yep, I can totally remember this. My DD took FOREVER (well, a couple of weeks) to settle into nursery. She howled at drop offs and was exhausted and upset at pick up. I questioned all of my parenting decisions (is it because I bf? Should I have left her more? Should I change to a childminder?). In the end DH and I agreed to give her six weeks and if no improvement we'd look to change it. But it wasn't needed in the end, and now she walks in (she's 18m) and waves goodbye to me with a big smile. She's happy there all day and naps better than when she's at home.
The first couple of weeks were horrible, I won't lie, and I left the nursery feeling very sad and conflicted but I'm now really pleased I stuck with it. Had I been in a position to not have to work, I don't know if I would have sent her but nursery has been so brilliant for her I'm 100% it was the right choice in the end.
A cheerful goodbye is key, as it send the signal that you're happy and not leaving her by accident. And a warm and happy pick up too. Even if they're upset, it'll be registering that you're calm and happy with the separation and confident you'll see each other later on. The nursery introduced a dummy, which we hadn't used before. They were really respectful that I wasn't keen and only used it if she was really upset and now she doesn't have it at all. Initially I called them after an hour or so, just for my own peace of mind. They would either say she was playing or being cuddled and so that reassured me either way tbh.
Good luck!

Oh that's tough, I can understand your concern. How old is your dd?

The guilt is awful. Agree. I’ve done this twice now. Ds never cried much when I left him at nursery and Initially Dd didn’t either.

The last few weeks though she’s cried and got really upset at drop off. Nursery staff are amazing though and took her from me let her say goodbye and settled her with breakfast. Because I also have to drop ds off at same nursery but different enterance when I get round to ds’ door staff have been popping through to let me know she’s ok sometimes. Other times I walk back past dds room and can see through the window she’s fine.

It is hard though. I have been questioning whether their 3 days at nursery while I work (they do one day at grandparents too) is the right thing but I know it is. I wanted to go back to work (I know I’m lucky in that I had the choice) they get so so much out of nursery so it is the right thing. But guilt.

@rainbowninja she's 11 months old.

@ToTheTwees and @ememem84 Thank you for your responses. Twees, your experience is what I'm hoping for (obviously the first two weeks aren't ideal! But I think I have to expect that) I just really want her to be happy. The advice around leaving really positively is really good. I'll just have to have a little cry in my car!!

Ememem, I'm sorry it's still hard for you. I have the same scenario, 3 days at nursery and one with my MIL. My DD doesn't really like being left with her either. I'm considering taking some Monday's off work over the next few months to be with her more, I always thought I'd be fine going back to work, as it's something I want, but the guilt is awful!

I know this is all so common, but hearing other stories is reassuring/makes me feel less alone. Thank you :)

I definitely had a little cry in the car - I doubt it's uncommon! Mine really is the happiest one going in, and all day now, all day playing and singing. Was impossible to imagine at the start though.

My youngest is 2.5 now, but I still remember leaving him at nursery for the first time, he cried and it was so hard! (He's totally fine now and has been for aaages)
I had warned a friend to expect a call just after I dropped him off, when she answered she launched straight into some random tv chat that really helped to distract me! I thoroughly recommend doing similar.

Gosh both mine were terrible initially. My eldest still cries at drop off , 3 years later but I know that’s now his routine and he’s happy. When I collect I can see him before he sees me and he’s happy, also 3 other friends use the same nursery and drop off and collect at different times and all tell me he looks happy.

My second had 3 Settling in sessions before lockdown- all terrible... one I got called after 15 min. He’s now gone back in June, has one sad 30 min and now loves it... again he cries a bit at drop off but all their windows are open so I wait outside and after about 3 min he stops crying.

My LO started nursery on 6th July, also 11 months. It's taken a while and there were tears in the first few weeks. She's always cried when I dropped her off but has settled quickly.

This last week she's walked in, no crying and waved me off

I get lots of updates/pictures showing she's having a good time

For me I know that dds change of tack on this is because it’s change. New staff in her room, she’s had a cold so wasn’t feeling her best, possibly going through a developmental leap and me going back to work after time wfh. It’s only the last couple of weeks. They’ve been back since nursery reopened in June.

She’s just over a year. She will adapt. Every day is getting easier. But still the guilt. I know it’s the right decision for us though. I’m happy at work. The kids are happy at nursery. They do so so much more there than they could with me at home. It’s so good for them.

It took my son a good few weeks to settle (this was following my first who loved it straight away). He cried lots and a few times I had to pick him up early. But after the first few weeks he settled and was fine. He is now 3 and can tell me how much he loves going, and about all the stuff he does! It gets easier, the anticipation is the worst bit. You will all settle into a new routine and find a new normal.

Does she understand ‘goodbye’ and that this means you will come back again? My DS started at around the same age and for the month preceding we made a huge thing of saying ‘bye’ at every possible tiny opportunity. Making sure we always came back and announced that we were back. It does differ from child to child and I think some struggle to settle no matter what, but I do think it helped with our DS.

Thanks for all the responses, they are very reassuring 

@birdybirdbird she's just learnt bye bye and waving, but not sure she's totally understanding it's meaning. It's a great idea to get her used to us going and coming back to I'll do that as much as possible from now on