Court order

[xxTaylor]

Hi, I'm just looking for a little bit of advice.
I have recently come out of a relationship with my child's father. Not going into the bad stuff too much but he has other children who he's useless with & he cheated on me throughout my pregnancy and after I had our baby. Anyway, I moved out of our family home as I left the baby with her dad while I had a bath and found him snorting coke next to her when I come down stairs. He did it before I had the baby, but I did not realise how much he was doing it and how addicted he was to it.
Since moving out he has made no effort with our child, he sees her maybe 3 hours a week, he comes to my house as our baby won't go with him, when he sees her he's sat on his phone and tells me how annoying she is as she gets upset as she's not used to him.
I've recently found out that whilst he has been trying to sort our relationship out and have more children & move back him with him etc, he's been seeing someone else aswell. Our baby was in hospital with a very high temp and possible COVID-19, and he refused to answer his phone as he was with this new girl, he doesn't turn up on the days he was meant to be seeing her, so she sits crying for her dad, then I get a text a few days later saying he wasn't well, but he was with her.
Putting aside our relationship, I'm so stuck at what to do, do I get him to have a court order or do I continue him coming round and seeing her?
It's been over a month and he hasn't text or asked over her

Thing is, you're not putting aside your relationship with him. It's clear from your post that if he turned up with a bunch of flowers he nicked off an old ladies grave you'd be all over him like a fly on shit.

What is it you want a court order for? To keep him away from your child or to try to force contact? If it's the latter why? He isn't bothered about his other kids, why would he be bothered about yours? If it's the former it's unlikely to be granted unless social services are involved.

And your child isn't crying for their "dad" - that's you projecting. Young children pick up on our emotions so if he doesn't turn up go do something fun instead.

And stop chasing this man. He is not going to be the man you want him to be. Arrange supervised (not by you) contact, if he doesn't turn up document it. If he keeps not turning up stop arranging it and get on with your lives.

Why would you want someone like this around your precious child? Let him go and be glad you are rid of him.

You've said baby, so I'm assuming under 1 year, in which case she's absolutely not crying for her dad, and you're projecting.

You also seem to have completely had your head turned by this bloke. He's doing drugs while your daughter is in the bath and you're sad he isn't spending more time with her!? What's wrong with this picture?

Block, stop contact, file for CMS, document everything, and let him take you to court if he wants to see her.

I think you should be counting your stars you've had a lucky escape from a useless, cheating, coke addict.

File for CMS, if he wants contact with your DD he should make arrangements via the court.

You use the word baby but then language that suggests a much older child .. (won't go with him, crying for him). And why are you trying to solve your relationship, have more children with this man and move him back in. Sounds like the real problem is you want him back but he's moved on. I'm not sure what a court order would solve in this instance. They can't force someone to see their child after all and it doesn't sound like you want to stop all contact (at least not for child welfare purposes).

Unfortunately op, there is no court order that would force an unwilling parent to see their child.

They can specify the times at which the child must be available for contact, but not that the other parent must take it.

The thinking is what kind of parenting can an unwilling one do?

Snorting coke next to your dd is not good parenting op. You know that. You say yourself he's an addict - if ss get wind that you are putting your child at risk by knowingly sending her for contact whilst you know he's off his head on drugs, they might think your behaviour is not good parenting.

It's shit op. I know, my kids are up to 10.5 months since they've seen their flaky dad and god knows I could do with a break. Your ex (please, please don't take him back into your life - re-read your op) is not a willing parent, and has not treated you with even basic respect since before your dd was born.

It's a stressful situation for you and I'm sure you're doing a grand job with your baby whilst all this is going on but, if it was me... I would totally sack him off, he sounds toxic to be honest and as hard as it might be, I would forget about him and get on with your life and be the best mummy you can be. He knows where to find you if he can be arsed, but don't chase him. One day he will realise what he lost! Xx

Let me predict this guys pattern of behaviour -

1. initially gets into a relationship with you, and its all roses.
2. the roses quickly start to smell like shit as his behaviour turns into what you've described.
3. you kick him out
4. after a while of a being separated, he starts to show interest again. You're thrilled, you get back together
5. the first phase happens again, albeit to a smaller degree than the first time, but it doesnt matter because by this stage you're hooked.
6. the cycle repeats itself, with his behaviour becomming shitter each time, but you're more hooked each cycle.

....and somewhere in this theres a child.

Do your DD and yourself a favour and break the cycle. Nobody needs this kind of man in their life.

Thank you everyone.
When we were together he would see his daughter more and make more of an effort with her, like FaceTiming me to see her and just popping up with sweets for her. I just thought it would be easier getting back with him.
I thought it would be easier to get an order that he has to see her supervised? I couldn't trust him alone with her. Then when he doesn't turn up, as I know he won't, I can just cut him out completely

Why go through all that. Just cut him off anyway. Sounds like it he won't be trying hard to fight you anyway. Don't make a song and dance over it, just quietly slip away.

It's really really hard to get supervised contact and the fact you think it's easier to be with him you can't actually be that concerned, what a bizarre conclusion!

You sound more bothered about him than your child

It takes a lot to get me annoyed but this is absolutely ridiculous! You’re clearly putting this pathetic excuse of a man before your baby. So your daughter has a shitty dad and a shitty mum too! FFS you brought a baby into the world, it’s time to start putting them first!

You have literally written your situation on here for comments....

I hope things have gotten better. Either you've left him, or hes decided to be a decent human.

The thing is, you may not like what cauliflower has said but they are right and if you continue to pursue contact and a relationship with a known drug addict with family drama you are likely to end up with SS at your door. It feels like you would benefit from some type of family support so that you can build your self esteem and boundaries and be confident as a family of 2. Have you had an honest chat with your health visitor? People often forget just how much they can offer. By all means arrange a visit if he contacts you or a park meet up but I wouldn't be chasing this waste of oxygen who has so much history of letting you and your baby down. Having another baby with him won't solve anything but will add to your burden and will also place at risk of STIs (which can harm an unborn baby to) if he is sleeping around. Do you have much support in your life OP? Do you have sensible friends or family you could talk to?

He snorts coke next to your baby!
He doesn’t care when the baby is in hospital!
He continues to put himself first!

Yet, you still want him around your baby?

Yeah, I’m sticking with my original comments. You’re just as bad as him because you’re both not putting that poor baby first. It took me years to have my first child and it pisses me off to hear stories like yours.

You're going to end up with Social Services in your life if you don't give up your addiction to him.

He makes an effort with the baby when he's with you because he gets sex from you.

Not having her Dad around will be better for your dd than having a Dad who doesn't like her never mind love her. A court order won't change his mindset - he's clearly not interested in his dd. Who's not worried about a baby in hospital ffs?