I don't have any mum instinct and it's breaking me

[icedaisy]

I'm so, so low tonight.

Anxiety gone through the the roof.

I have counselling for post natal anxiety specific to Dd health. She is a miracle baby after 15 years struggles and losses.

I am pregnant.

I convince myself she is unwell, going to be sick, has something wrong with her. For weeks I've decided "she will be sick tonight",she has not been.

Today she hasn't eaten her tea and feels warm. She has no temperature, nice wet nappies, drooling. Red cheeks and cross. A normal person would assume teething? I assume something seriously wrong.

I'm going to be up all night, I've checked her temp about fifty times. Since tea.

Why don't I have any instinct to know when something is really wrong. I can't go to the doctor and say I think something is wrong because I always feel like that. Just the tea thing tonight has made me worse.

What the hell do I do now. How can I stop myself worrying like this.

Hi OP. Firstly, take a breath.

Your DD is ok. You need to go through the checklist any time you worry - nappies, feeding, temperature etc.

The post natal period is so tough, so please don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Do you have a partner or family member who can give you some support/give you a break?

If it makes you feel any better, my DS (20mo) had a coffee shower today - he got hold of my cup which was 3 shelves up, using a chair. Thankfully it was luke warm/cool so he was fine, but he's smelt of coffee most of the day. I've learnt that babies do things to make you worry, you just need to find a way of dealing with it, and enjoy your baby. I hope you get the help you need.

I do need to calm down, I don't know how.

She is same age as your son.

I am very isolated at the moment. Covid aftermath and harvest wife.

I have been trying to meet people in mornings but by this time of night everything seems to much.

Why does she feel warm without a temp? Can teeth do that. I can't see any teeth but she won't really let me look.

You have health anxiety that you’re getting treatment for. That’s the right thing to do. And it has NOTHING to do with ‘mum instinct’. You are beating yourself up for not possessing something that doesn’t exist - if mothers could reliably know whether their children were seriously ill or just teething / a bit under the weather, half the medical profession would have no need to exist.

Oh Ice every parent worries that they are not doing it right.

Ds1 was a miracle baby (told I would need IVF but got pregnant naturally, huge shock) I was absolutely convinced he was going to die, I had a sensor under his cot mattress to check he was breathing (this was 17 years ago) I was worried I would miss cues that he was unwell.

Most parents read parenting books or come onto MN to seek help and advice. You are just a bit over cautious but this is completely understandable given how long you have waited to be a parent.

Do you have a Dh/partner? What do they think? Do you have someone to talk through this with, give an opinion. When was the last time your daughter ate or drank? How old is she? Is she showing any signs of teething?

Ah, harvest wife. I get it.

Yes, cheeks can feel red hot with teething and yet no temp.

Teeth can definitely do that. In fact I've given DS calpol today for the first time in ages. And the temps are varying so much at the moment.

We had a bit of a worrying time a few weeks ago as he developed a raised temp - not fever - and wasn't himself for a few days but he got over it. The NHS website is fantastic for baby advice and very reassuring. I don't think it's all about instinct, it's about being logical and objective and taking account of the advice of experts to form your own opinion.

Teething can give a temp but if you’re not sure call 101 for reassurance.

Sounds like a really tough time. Having anxiety about your baby’s health must be really difficult. Do you have a PANDaS group near you you could access for support. I found them useful when I had post natal depression.

Also I’m not sure anyone has mummy instinct.

Would it help to say to many babies get to adult hood with neglecting parents. And you so clearly are very very far from that. Even just this email shows you have love for your child.
DS2 once ate some paracetamol, he was under 5- I panicked, rang nhs direct and they said he would be fine. He’s now a very tall 13 yo. Ds 1 I fed him the wrong food when weaning and he was up all night crying and vomiting. He’s now a strapping 15 year old.
Despite our best efforts parents make mistakes.
And teething always makes Ds1 poorly, with very red cheeks and a temp that could shoot up and then go down just as quickly.
And it’s ok to go back to the doctor and ask for some extra help for you. I had PND after both pregnancies and I had to ask for my medication to be increased. It’s definitely more challenging when you don’t have any real life support.

You do have a mum instinct it’s just in overdrive with your health anxiety. Maybe going to the Drs and describing your own symptoms you could get some help?

The fact that you are posting about this means you are a kind and caring mum. You’re just having a tough time right now.

There's no 'mum instinct' - no one really knows for sure what exactly is wrong with a pre-verbal child and there is no mystic power by which every mum knows exactly what's up except you.

I always took the attitude that if they are at least two of happy, eating and excreting nothing is seriously wrong. Babies can't tell you what minor thing is up, but anything really serious will be obvious with a lack of the above and no one needs some kind of sixth sense for that.

Thank you all so much, you have made me feel much less alone.

Ok rationally, she has top four and bottom four, then a big gap then one top and one bottom. So canines and big molars X 2 missing.

She is grumpy, weepy and clingy.

She is sleeping well, for her. She is warm to touch, clammy if you like but temperature is 36.5 and highest I got was 36.8.

Nappies are wet. Poo normal. She refused snack at 4. Refused her meal in full. Ate a yogurt and a ice lolly which I make from fruit quite happily. Then took six ounces of milk happily, asked for that.

I had three failed IVF, many miscarriages then was discharged. Fell with her and carried then was hit with this. Gave up trying because lightening never strikes twice and I'm 22 weeks pregnant.

She was unwell all winter, chest colds, sickness, tonsillitis and scarlet fever. Coughed for months. Everyone said it was just nursery. I've taken her out now for a few reasons.

I feel so incompetent and useless. Why can't I just accept she might be teething. I have to analyse everything over and over again.

I think it's the opposite and you have mega mum instinct. X

You're so in tune with your baby you can pick up tiny changes in her health/mood.

But this in turn is making you unreasonably anxious. As if a thermometer isn't picking up the temp then it's just mild and it's been warm today anyway.

I was the same for my DD1 and I still am (she's now 7 and I still worry if she's the tiniest bit off colour - I'm getting therapy for my health anxiety)

But I can promise you she'll be fine tonight and so will you. Even if she was sick you'd cope and clean it up fine and you'd both survive and be happy and carry on.

What helps me nights when I've been really anxious is to sleep in the same room. I feel calmer if I can hear their breathing and see them. X

Yes that's weird for me. It is just sick and I can clean it up and will. But it's the thought of the sick rather than the sick that panics me. She had norovirus when on holiday and we were stuck for a week unable to travel with no washing machine. I honestly think that's what triggered this escalating for me.

Are you getting any mental health help at all? The kind of anxiety you're describing is very, very treatable and that could make a big difference to your quality of life and enjoyment of your family.

You sound like a really thoughtful mum and you aren't lacking some magical instinct; we're all just making it up as we go along! But the amount it's worrying you, and the way that's making you feel about yourself, are dragging you down, and that's something that can be helped.

Sorry, just reread your post and I see you're getting counseling. I hope it's helping a bit. If the current approach isn't working, though, then please do explore other options until you find one that suits you.

Ah OP, please be kind to yourself, it's nothing to do with your mum instinct, it sounds like you're doing fab . Do you think it might be helpful to speak to your GP or HV about the possibility of some support?