Help needed - postnatal depression - positive stories is recovery

[Atticus500]

Im really really struggling with PPD/PND and not feeling any better. I was diagnosed with PPD at 3 weeks postpartum, and DD is now 13 weeks. I’ve been on ADs since 5 weeks postpartum, and counselling for the last 3. I’m also under the care of a perinatal MH team, so in short, I thought I’d be feeling better by now... but I’m feeling worse. I have the following thoughts all day long (they’re horrible to even write down) :

• I want to leave her and never come back
• I want to go back to my life before her and forget she ever existed
• I regret having her
• I wish I had had a termination of the pregnancy
• I don’t want her
• I see all possible routes to my happiness as without her in my life
• I don’t feel anything other than resentment
• I feel trapped by her constantly

I know none of these are normal, but they are overpowering and I’m desperate to start to feel “normal” about her and myself. I feel lost and as though I’ll never be happy as long as she’s here, so the only solution is to get rid of her. My husband and I aren’t living together because my depression got so bad I needed company in the day (I’ve been suicidal) and so I moved in with my parents. I’m angry he’s living his life in our house and with our cats and nothing has changed - I’m stuck in my parents house, with the baby caring for her on my own (parents are elderly so are literally just company - no hands on help). I can’t go home because of the depression, but I can’t stay here. I desperately want to run away from it all.
Can someone please share some positive stories of recovery - and when you felt better? And how? This is the darkest, worst time of my life and I just want to know and believe that it can change.

I don't have experience of PND myself, but a close friend of mine felt exactly how you do now. She was completely disconnected and felt resentful of the baby and the changes their arrival had bought about. Fast forward to roughly 16 weeks and her medication kicked in and she felt loads better, 3 years down the line she is a happy mum with a great relationship with her kid. You would never know she ever had such a shaky start.

Ultimately you have an illness, a chemical imbalance that can and will improve with time.

Would you be happier at home with your husband? Could he take some AL / compassionate leave for a couple of weeks to enable you to go back with support? X

If you had a broken leg, you wouldn't question the fact that you'd eventually heal. You are ill and doing the right things to help in your recovery, but it's going to take time. No-one can tell you when you'll feel better.

The thing that helped me (apart from passage of time and returning to work early) is meeting other women in real life who were going through the same thing. Groups in my area are starting again soon - do your perinatal team run groups? If not, maybe you could get in touch with pandas about peer support. They also have a helpline you could call:

www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/

Or maybe local BF cafes. Why not get in touch with the HV and ask about support groups? It feels so much easier coping when there are others there to share the load. We weren't designed to care for babies alone.

I was very ill with PND . I had 16 months off work and took ads , ( still do) , CBT, counselling. 4 years later I’m well , strong and working full time doing major surgery.
I love my son who is an absolute joy and the best things I ever did. Hang on in there! It does get better but you need to take/ pay for every bit of help you can afford or get. Go out in the fresh air and try and do little projects/ tasks just for the sense of succeeding. I did little craft stuff - helped my brain and self esteem.

Tell yourself - “this is an Illness like any other, it is not my fault and i will get better”
Can be helpful to use this as a mantra at 4am when you most feel it.

Much love xx

I found my recovery was massively improved by making other mum friends. People I really got on with and had a genuine friendship with rather than just because our kids played together if you know what I mean? It helped to have someone to talk to who’s kids were doing the same things and reassured me that everything we were going through was normal etc
Having that support network was a game changer for me xx

I had postpartum psychosis followed by severe pnd with dc1. Took me six months to believe he was mine and possibly 18 months to bond properly. He's 5 and a half now and I love him. He's even got a younger sibling when at 13 weeks postpartum I wanted my useless stupid womb cut out.

Socialising helped a lot, obviously a harder now but lots of groups are running virtually. I learnt to knit and oddly enough that helped a lot, because I had to force myself to concentrate. Exercise was another, walks at first building up to running.

Whilst I understand the need for company (dh worked from home for much of ds's first year), it doesn't sound like your solution is helping if your parents can't take your dd for a break. Could your dh move into to? Is him wfh an option? Could your dm come and stay with you for a while? Mil or Sils?