School refusal - bed wetting becoming common knowledge at school

[joeysapple]

DS is just about to go into year 9. Earlier this year he stayed at a friend's house and wet the bed. For some reason this has now, 7+ months later, become common knowledge amongst his peers.

We've had issues with him refusing school before but he is now saying he isn't going to return to school because he is so embarrassed. He's refusing to engage with trying on new uniform, shopping for shoes, a new bag, anything.

Does anyone have any ideas of how I can help this situation? I'm a single parent and last time this happened I had to reduce my working hours due to the stress of school refusal. Trying to avoid this situation again and nip in the bud.

the issue is the unchallenged bullying. the school is not even attempting to deal with it. the bully must obviously be extremely thick to take delight in ridiculing someone for this. be very clear to the school this is bullying on grounds of disability - exactly as unacceptable as bullying someone because their ears or eyes or legs don't work properly - some people's bladders don't always work properly and making fun of that is utterly disgusting. the bully and every other child who laughs at another person's misfortune must be shamed and disgraced into realising how completely unacceptable their behaviour is. only when the school is actually making their site a safe place to be is it even appropriate to start tackling the school refusal.

I think people underestimate the impact of bullying.

I know someone at 42 who still has MH, anxiety and other issues due to bullying

Is there an option for home education?

You don't actually have to send him to school

And ignore all the 'perfect' parents...

How well do you know the other kids who were at the sleepover? And do you know their parents? If they are nice kids it may just be a case of explaining to them how embarrassing it is for your son and helping them to empathise with a view to getting them all on board with all four of them saying they made it up and it didn’t happen.

13 year olds are happy to laugh at others and blab and things if they don’t personally fee the consequence but most kids are fundamentally good kids and with a bit of help and encouragement may see it as a good thing to be sticking up for their mate by collectively denyain’t the “rumour”.

Ok so you need to sit your son down and tell him to categorically deny that he wet the bed. If anyone brings it up, it was a drink that got spilt. End of. He can laugh, explain whatever but keep drumming into him it was a drink that spilt.

Phone the school, have a meeting and explain that if they don't do something, you will speak to every parent of every child that has contacted your son on social media and also the police about the online bullying to be dealt with. You can also contact the education department to complain if you're not happy with how they've handled it.

In the mean time, Ask for work to be sent home and/or a phased return to school and enrol your son in some counselling through camhs/GP/privately to help build his confidence up.

The goal isn't to have him in school full time straight away, the goal needs to be building him back up to allow him to return to school on a basis that he feels comfortable.

I say all this as someone who is still affected by horrific bullying in high school and I'm mid 30s. I was forced back to school and it didn't do me any good at all.

Thinking as teenager - Bully needs shooting down publicly...

Forgive me. But if he has the balls to do or a good mate does....

Id go with. Didnt wet the bed mate, it was a massive wet dream.... about your mam.

I know. Grim. But Bullies are thick. They cant handle wit.

Speaking as someone who had to move schools due to bullying. Once i discovered wit it all changed. It was a great defence much better than physically reaching a limit.

Also he wont see it now but in 15 years time said bully is likely to be stood at a bus stop off to a dead end job when he drives by in his nice car. Remind him to drive slow and give a thumbs up.

If changing schools is an option I'd definitely consider it. Unfortunately it's not likely to blow over like other rumours do. Don't wait for the bullying to get worse and jeopardise his mental health, it's not worth it. With that, maybe only have sleepovers at your house so that he can cover it up easier.

@joeysapple
I didn't want to read and run. I'm sorry your son is going through this. I know how awful this is for both of you. My son also had similar experiences at school including a terrible Year 7 / Start of Year 8 and bullying about issues. He suffers from anxiety and was also a school refuser.
IME If your son's form tutor is helpful please reach out to them. They can achieve most things the SENCO can for you.
My son went back to school on a reduced timetable initially as I couldn't get him in the building. He built up the hours slowly from there.
We also considered home schooling if it didn't work.
Good luck. Thinking of you x

Thank you for all the kind and helpful replies. I like the idea of telling him to tell them he had a wet dream - I think that would make him laugh so I'll suggest that today.

Will get in touch with senco and tutor by email today to explain what's going on.

As much as I'd love to home educate, 1) I'm not sure it's possible as he needs a lot of support to do the work and stay focused and calm (he has adhd) and I'm a single working parent so can't offer that level of HE as I'm out at work every day 2) I'd be worried that he would end up very isolated. He doesn't have a lot of friends anyway, the sleepover was the first one he had ever been invited to I think if we turned to home education he would end up a recluse.

I think if we turned to home education he would end up a recluse.

Just on this one point - you only need one or two friends. Many areas have active HE groups and networks. Maybe contact someone to ask what there is locally.

I totally take on board what you are saying about his schoolwork and your work commitments, but I gently want to say that I don't agree that home ed = fewer friends or increased social isolation.

Is there any way for the kid whose house it was to put out a denial? Maybe speak to his parents? Your son denying it isn’t going to stop it, but the kids who were there saying it didn’t happen would. Is he friendly enough with them still that this is an option?

Your poor son. My instinct is the same as PP, his friend should never have said anything in the first place and should now be doing everything they can to put it right by saying they made it up, or were mistaken and actually it was a spilled drink and they'd got the wrong end of the stick. Are you good friends with the parents of the other boys? I wonder if you could explain to them that the incident has led to terrible bullying and that you would appreciate the other boys helping to calm things down.

The school absolutely need to deal with this bullying, it's vile. But your son quite understandably doesn't want something that makes him feel so embarrassed being talked about, and I think there's actually quite a lot the other boys could do (especially whoever thought it was ok to spread it around) to put it to rest.

I like the wet dream comeback!!

I like the wet dream comeback!!
As rude as it is if he was 13 I'd use that too not sure how you could discuss this excuse with DS but it might shut the boys up. I think. I'd hate to be 13 again

For my oldest DD thinking something similar could happen to her has been the worst nightmare.
A good sense of humor is the most powerful weapon in these situation, but I know bullying sucks and it's not so easy. At the same time I wouldn't make a big issue about it, but still giving him all my support and understanding. I mean if something like that happens to the coolest student of the school probably it would be not a problem at all (look at this video of Jennifer Lawrence , it helped my DD and it could help your DS).
What could be a big help is also a cognitive psychologist, not only for this situation. Cognitive therapy helps a lot to find the best way to manage relationships, not just to "fix" something but to achieve useful tools to understand and manage what is around you. One or two sessions, maybe just online, could be enough to get over what happened. I would look at it more like talking to a very wise friend than a "classic Freud like" psychologist.
Anyway, I like the wet dream idea, I would just clarify that it's an easy way to keep it personal, but bedwetting is nothing to be ashamed of, it's a natural human body thing and definitively he is not the only one.