DD bad reaction to new sibling

[Pegase]

Really struggling with older DD at the moment. She is 6 and her younger sibling is now 2 months old

DD has been nagging for a sibling for a long time - sadly it was very difficult for us second time round and had a few mc (she does not know this).

Anyway finally the new baby is here and of course is not a ready made playmate but cries/feeds and sleeps all day long.

DD's behaviour since the baby was born has been outrageous. She has always been very well-behaved for her given age - obviously went through all the usual tantrums when 2/3 but generally good. Now however we get angry outbursts, answering back, everything frustrates her, refusing to follow instructions and even basic table manners have disappeared which is surprisingly frustrating when we are sitting together at the table 2-3 x a day.

It's like she is trying to pick a fight all day long and also being very melodramatic / catastrophising.

We are trying to give her positive attention, ignore secondary behaviours, sanction serious misbehaviour. We have been a bit more lax than usual given how exhausted we are which I know won't have helped. One of us will take her out on her own to have some time away from the baby, we try to talk to her about how she is feeling etc.

It just seems that nothing is working so if anyone has advice on how to get through this I would be very grateful.

She also seems to have quite low self-esteem and quickly descends into statements like I'm stupid, I can't do anything right etc. We have never said statements like that to her although of course we are getting frustrated at her behaviour when we also have a newborn to care for.

Imo time away from baby backfires.
She needs to be involved.
If she is seeing baby staying home with her dm no wonder she is unhappy!! She wants dm too. Sharing is hard!!

Bear in mind that the new sibling is not the only change. A lot of children are having behaviour issues post lockdown.
You're doing the right things. Be authoritative but forgiving. Firm boundaries so she knows where she stands with you.

Yes I think we had a real succession of issues- she went from lockdown to new baby to returning to school for a few weeks to summer holidays. She also had to stay with my MIL while baby born and I had a C section so hard recovery. So I have every sympathy for why she feels so unsettled! I just don't know how to fix it!

I also take her out on my own while DH with the baby on occasion e.g. taking to activities etc and funnily enough she is great with the baby. She chats to and reads to the baby but just rages at me and DH.

TBH more than the behaviour, I am really worried about the self-esteem / negative talk I don't want her to feel bad about herself but equally can't allow ridiculous behaviour!

I've seen people advise this book before: You Are Awesome: Find Your Confidence and Dare to be Brilliant at (Almost) Anything by Matthew Syed

My lo isn't at this stage yet but I noted it at the time for the future.

Could be useful for her self esteem?

I guess she thinks she is stupid because she has emotions that she doesn't understand that are making her do things that she doesn't understand. Try naming the emotions, accepting them and show her how to manage them, like 'I see you threw the toy, you were feeling angry. Now you need to sit here and cool down for two minutes, then you can say sorry, we'll have a cuddle and you can put the toy back nicely'. Or cross/sad/tired. Lots of boundaries, no disappointment in her, lots of praise. Especially for age appropriate skills (not baby regressed stuff).

There are lots of picture books about the arrival of baby siblings. Maybe reading one of these with her would help her to name same of her feelings and for you to find ways round them?

@Pegase I'd involve her way more. It will help in two ways. One, she will feel she is needed. Two, she will see how much work a baby is.

Not to make her life uncomfortable, just enough to make her important in the household, make her in charge of things and trust her to get them right (like run a bath, prepare nappies and changing station, warm up milk, get the pram ready...things like that).

Obv with loads of love for her, cuddles and positive feedback on how well she is doing and how you understand that so many changes are upsetting. And they must be. Hope you all catch a break soon.

Today was a good day- we baked a quick cake together while DD2 kicking about in her bouncy chair. I think boundaries are key for DD1- she likes routine and lists so 2020 has not done her any favours! It can just be hard to be positive and encouraging with boundaries, not nagging.

Good idea about choosing a book- that's normally my go-to! She does help lots but could think of more engaging baby activities for her to be involved with. Baby has helped out today by smiling and cooing at DD1!