How to approach father of my children..

[Duckinghellfire]

HI my eldest has already left home and seemingly has far too much of his father's influence, wish I had seen it sooner do I could, kerb the influence, but I tried to do the right thing and allow the children full access to their father. He was awful as a partner constant put downs, criticism all the time, no encouragement or support really. The problem is I have 3 at home still my girls seem much more like me, kind, supportive, loyal to a fault sometimes, generous, very strong willed, my youngest girl has some learning disabilities dyslexia, dyspraxia and a general learning disability, which includes memory, slow processing of info etc. She is a kind girl who adores babies and young children, she mothers them and sees herself as their protector, her father consistently claims she's my favourite and undermines me in front of the other children, he refuses to make any allowances for her disabilities or even acknowledge them, makes little to no effort with her, she notices.
My other daughter 18, I've noticed he does to her what he used to do to me, she failed he theory twice by 1 point, she had tried really hard, her dad said you still failed though, no encouragement, or anything, second time tried to say she didn't try hard enough. She failed her first practical, and proceeded to shout at her saying why did she let it happen. He constantly bangs on at the girls about there weight, tries to dictate to my 18 year old what she spends her money on, and my other son who is 17 has in the past told his dad he isnt happy with him. I really feel like I need to protect my girls from his negative unencouraging critism. Oh forgot to say me and my husband have had to on numerous occasions undo what he has done and reassure them. He also belittles there emotions same as he used to do to me.
Any suggestions how to go about getting him to understand how his constant put downs etc are causing his girls to feel bad about themselves. I'm very proud of all my kids but my eldest, 18, has had to overcome some pretty serious issues for a good few years, too much to go into here, but it has left her with lasting mental health issues, ptsd, anxiety and she makes me proud everyday how she uses her own hurt and experience to try help others
I just don't know what to do, I need to protect them but how to do it without causing a row or cutting there dad out

I know its really long sorry folks.

You can't. It isn't so much that he doesn't understand.
It's that he doesn't care.
He's an abuser. He hates women. Your girls are fair game to him.

The best thing for them would be for them to recognise him for what he is and remove him from their lives.

my youngest wouldn't be bothered in all honesty. I can insist he doesn't come to the house anymore and this should lessen his time with them. He has no house, he has a room in a house, and so usually comes here, ive been on at him for ages to take them out somewhere, he thinks its fun for them and me for him to sit in my kitchen and do nothing with them. My youngest rarely comes down when he is here, he makes no effort, he thinks she should make the effort. No she's your child and you should be making an effort, a child shouldn't have to ask for their father to spend quality time with them.
But in saying he must stop coming here and needs to make arrangements, I think he will just not bother at all. I thought I was doing the right thing by them trying to keep their dad in their lives but I feel its doing more harm than anything. My elder daughter does see what he is like a lot of the time and has noticed that they are always the last priority for him, for me they have always been number 1 priority.

But in saying he must stop coming here and needs to make arrangements, I think he will just not bother at all.

Is this a bad thing?

I think you stop the contact at your house. He's using this as his opportunity to get at all of you and continue his controlling abuse. You are enabling it by letting him come over.

The kids are old enough now to do other things, and he needs to do this himself however they agree together. They are also old enough if they don't want to see him to say so and be listened to. Tell him the arrangement of contact at your house has come to an end.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene not as such but I know how he works and he will use it to make it look like I'm the bad guy. Ie I don't see you much cause your mom said or mom did this and that.
And @YoBeaches I would never force them to do anything they don't want to do or make them go with him if they don't want to.
It also has a negative impact on me, my life, my plans and my marriage.
We are all much more relaxed chilled and happy when he isn't here. He always turns up when we are entertaining guests or if we go out with kids he amazingly turns up.

@YoBeaches and yes you are correct and that is exactly what I will do.
Thank you everyone. Just wanted to clarify I wasnt going insane or over reacting. I'm 43, I have various health issues I just can't deal with his crap anymore.

I wouldn't be having him in my house full stop. How does your husband feel about him being in your house when he's such a negative influence?
He's going to destroy your children and he's still got control over you.
His relationship with the kids needs to be totally separate to yours. If he doesn't want to take them out, good!!
You'll be doing your kids a favour and hopefully they will see their "dad" for what he really is.

My husband just wants the kids to have their father, he lost his when he was in his 20s and still misses him to this day. So he doesn't want the kids to miss out, although he is more than happy to step up and be there for them when needed and has done on many occasions, my youngest has quite a bond with my husband, she was 3 when we got together, now 14, so its a long time. The kids know who their dad is but they see it that they have 2 dads. Its us they come to for help support advice etc, the older children are starting to see what he is like. He isnt the same with the boys as he is the girls, my eldest boy 22, he wouldnt dare talk to him how he does the girls, probably because he knows, my son would floor him if he did, he is a big lad, does Mma etc.
I am going to discuss him no longer coming to the house unless it is to discuss something serious about one of the children. He can make arrangements with his children if they want to see him. And hopefully it will force him to do something fun with them instead of just have them sat in the kitchen, telling them to shut up while he watches snooker, or formula 1, trust me my dd2 18, has piped up and said that your here to see us but yet your more interested in your phone or the TV. He hasn't had a steady relationship since I decided enough was enough, which goes to show, I was never the problem, even though he would make out it was.

@LRHRN just thought I was doing the right thing by not cutting them off from their family. His mother is a lovely lady, she has alzhimers and dementia, never had a bad word between us, the kids adore her and I'd never want to cut them off from the other side of the family.
I'd never want them to come back to me when older and say I didnt allow them a relationship with their father.

@Duckinghellfire I was trying to get at you cause I totally understand that you want to do what's best for your kids, cause I'm in the same position but I definitely wouldn't have him in my house.
Tell your girls it's not appropriate for him to come to your house but they can arrange with him to see him elsewhere 🙂 and the choice is theirs then xx