Depressed dad with 3 girls in loveless marriage.

[Unhappypapa]

Hey folks.
I thought I'd finally reach out to someone, anyone because I feel I've gone way beyond breaking point. We have 3 girls (12, 6 and 3) truth be told I'm finding it hard with 3, I love my girls dearly but wish we'd have stuck to 2. Lock down has made things harder as me and Mrs work 40 hour week. At home I just feel I'm constantly fighting a loosing battle to clean and cook. The Mrs burrys her face in mobile games and I'm left picking up the pieces and since no3 arrived our relationship has taken a nose dive to the point I feel we co-exist more as a dysfunctional team to keep the house ticking over and I'm bored, depressed and have even thought about suicide. I don't have much of a support network. People do comment how active I am with the kids, but I'm struggling. I'm drowning. Anyone else feel the same?

I didn't want to read and run, but I fear I don't have practical advice for someone with 3 kids, as I am just about to have my first....

However - firstly I'd say if you've considered/had suicidal thoughts you need to seeking professional help via your GP or a mental health charity.

Secondly, you need to have this conversation with your partner and make sure you have it while you are both not distracted with the kids and can take time to properly listen and come up with fair solutions for you both.

I really hope you can get some good advice, but also have an open conversation with your partner. The kids won't be kids forever, and then it's you two left so it's so important you look after your own dynamic as well
Take care x

I've tired to have a conversation, things improve for maybe a week but it seems it ends in petty arguments, then goes, to conversations about who does what around the house, and its almost like she turns it round to 'oh so it's my fault..?' I try to rationalise with her, but nothing on her part. Either silence or accusations. Been to Dr's and have been put on a course of ssri's don't want to be here. But dont want to walk out on the kids.

Ask if she'd be willing to turn her phone off from 4pm to 9pm to save her marriage. Put it in those stark terms. See what she says.

I feel like a lot of relationships are ruined by phone use.

If housework is an issue and you can afford it, buy in help. For example I have a mother's help person -a local student- who comes in once a week to help with cleaning, laundry, school baking, and cleaning out the pets' cage. It has made a HUGE difference to our marriage to have offloaded some tasks to others. It's the small tasks that breed resentment. Getting someone else to do them removed the opportunity for resentment to breed, for me.

OP I am so sorry to hear about your issues.

I would advise to tackle the depression first. Please speak to your GP and ask for some mental health referral for support.

Then speak to your wife and explain in depth how you feel. This is Brexit will help you gauge if she wants to make it work or not.

Relate offers counselling, sometimes free. You can have this for yourself or together.

You need some support and I would urge you to speak up to family and friends. Even if you feel if you no one. Most people wouldn't leave someone alone under these conditions. They may take the girls for you and your wife to reconnect.

Does she also have depression? Being on her mobile screams of escapism to me. Maybe you are both burned out from parenting and manifesting it in different ways.

Please reach out and communicate. If anything you will figure out where you are at.

That's a pretty good suggestion. Re turning off phones. As for getting someone in, I like the idea, of it, but under our current circumstances we couldn't afford it. That's another reasons why I feel I'm stuck. As much as I don't want go, I don't really have or could afford anywhere to go.

It's plagued me for a long time. Knowing who to speak to in terms of reaching out. I didn't want to burden friends or colleagues with this (I think this is men's MH in general) . I've felt it's been my cross to bare. I ask for help with stuff from her and she just shouts one of the kids to do it. It's not their responsibility so I'll do it myself. . I do think she is burnt out, but doesn't want to accept it. I know I am. And I'm frustrated cus I don't know how to deal with it.

I have 3 and can relate, I also work ft (DH is SAHP) in a busy stressful job and know that I can sometimes retreat into my phone to cope and unwind from the day, but you need to talk to your wife as you are in a parenting partnership and both stressed and tired so that load needs to be shared. Agree to give each other half an hour of downtime after work on alternate days to unwind if needed, but after that it is family time until kids in bed. Bedtime does not change for holidays, evening is adult time.

To make it easier meal plan very simple meals (or buy family lasagne, cottage pie, frozen food etc...) that require little thought and time for the next few weeks if you can so that is one demand on your energy which is reduced. Lunches are sandwiches if at home. Paper plates if really desperate!

12 and 6 year old can help with chores too, mine are 11, 8 and 6 and help lay and clear the table and tidy their own rooms and mess in the living areas that they create (older ones also hoover and put own clothes away). Delegate the jobs as much as possible.

Lower your cleaning expectations over the summer if it makes it easier, it will never be spotless with 3 kids at home, if they are fed , watered and mostly clean consider it a success! Kids age 6 and 3 do not need to bathe everyday so don't bother if that is an added task to achieve (the sprinkler, hose or paddling pool also suffice in-between in the hot weather).

It is hard on everyone at the moment, the most important thing is to be kind to yourself and others. Rather than saying to your wife what is not happening or what she is not doing tell her that you feel overwhelmed by everything and lonely, that you miss spending time with her that is not centred around work or kids and that you would like a hug. See how she responds, she might be feeling the same way.

I’m really glad you reached out, men’s MH is often not recognised because they don’t have the same support network.
I would look into relate and counselling as these can help even as a sounding board. And while I agree not to put burden on kids I would think giving the 12 yo some responsibility would be good for her (maybe the laundry for sheets and bedding)?
I’m sure someone better than I will have further insight but I’m cheering you on if that helps

Just wanted to send some support to you, and maybe offer a couple is suggestions re: parenting/relationship

Is there anyone in the family/friendship group who could look after the kids while you and your wife go out together?? Even just to go for a walk and talk about things without the distraction of Housework etc?

Can the older kids help out with the 3 year old or jobs in the house a bit more? Maybe give them an incentive so they can earn a day out or a treat on a Friday night or something. Just helps take a few jobs off the list and they will be better off for it.

When it comes to the phone thing can you suggest having a night without phones in a nice way without it sounding like you are having a go at her? She's probably a bit insecure which is maybe why she is lashing out.

Also the main thing I wanted to say here is that a friend of mine attempted suicide last year and by some stroke of a miracle he didn't die. I had absolutely no idea he was struggling and if I had I would have done anything in the world to help, this is how your friends and family will feel about you. If they knew you needed a hand they would be more than happy to help and if I can suggest anything it's just to open up that conversation. Maybe just tell one or two people that you just aren't doing too well. I am 1000% sure they will offer support as I know in my case I would do anything to help my friend and when he nearly died it was the absolute worst feeling on earth! I thank my lucky stars every day that he is still here with us.

You sound like me, living with similar circumstances to me.

It's getting to the point where like tonight, I find myself blurting out unpleasant snarky things to my partner, because I've been through gentle hinting, not so subtle hinting, outright gentle truth, stark in your face truth, and nothing changes.

He's permanently glued to his Xbox, tablet, phone. It's nearly a year since we last had sex. He's bitchy with one of my children (she pushes everyone's buttons but he's meant to be the grown up here). He makes mess and doesn't clean anything bar load the dishwasher or laundry machine occasionally.

It's so hard being ignored. Yet he claims he loves me and mentions the future.

While I'm just wishing I had some ducks to get in a row.

It sounds very much like your wife isn't in firm denial that there is a problem. You're facing up to yours, you're on anti depressants and you keep initiating conversation with her. I would think couples counselling would help even if it just helps you both to come to terms with things needing to potentially end.

I hope it works out for you, one way or another.

Just wanted to post this organisation's details - helpline closed a few minutes ago but maybe think about talking to them when you have some time/privacy: www.thecalmzone.net/help/helpline/ - they are more "male" orientated which might help.

You are going to have to talk to your wife at some point even if its about splitting up and co-parenting. You can get a sounding out Relate appointment on your own, online. During the appointment they can help you decide if you want to work on the marriage or walk away; get a plan in place for either.

Make a list of jobs you both can do weekly and this will show her the error of her ways if she doesn't keep them up, you really do need to have a serious talk with her and the consequences it could possibly have.
Good luck OP.

OP I also wanted to share the wellbeing college website from NHS. You can access online support and just need to register your interest for free.

Do reach out to people and in fact try to speak to as many as possible. We tend to suffer in silence, but it takes a village to raise children and I am convinced we are martyrs to the modern ways of doing things.

The Health Visitor may be able to suggest any support available in your area.

I am an immigrant in this country and we truly have zero support network as no family here. But this is what we did to help ourselves:

Decluttered as much as possible. To make it easier to keep house tidy and clean.
Went with fuss free quick to make meals.
Got kids roped in with cleaning and tidying. Ours are 2 and 7 but do chores.
Talked to GP, got mental health support, spoke to Health Visitor got some tips.
Leave kids to entertain themselves and try to do things together as much as possible, for example cooking together so we can talk at least then.
Went to counselling via Relate.

I am not going to lie, we still feel like joint childcare providers and do feel burned out but at least we are in this together and both know this is part of parenting when having no respite. We haven't had a night out in 7 years, as no one to look after the kids. It is really difficult, can be soul destroying but I do reckon that's how it is for people with no support.

If you at least have each other's back then at least you have some solidarity.

Good luck OP, I really empathise and wish you all the best.

Thank you for all your words of support, encouragement and suggestions.

I've tried having the conversations not so stark but I have said something along the lines of either we find our relationship again or I'll walk away as I've felt like we're just parenting and thats it, things are fine for a week but quickly go back to normal. Can't remember last time we were intimate, but I just want to feel some emotional warmth.

At present there is no change of child care I have no contact with mine and the Mrs folks lives away. I'm hoping when school starts this will take some of the burden off the daily grind and at least give us both free time, individually or as a couple.

And tonight is another fine example. Finished a 14 hour shift tired, the youngest 2 bounced all over me for an hour, the Mrs asked what was for tea.. So I cooked stuff from the freezer, then unloaded and reloaded dishwasher as well as tidied and hoover living room, now currently settling youngest and I'm laid here thinking surely there is better.. This isn't how I'd imagined my life. While the Mrs sat still in her pj's on her day off. I know the kids Can be a handfull but it frustrated me today.

That's pretty lazy of her.

You can be assertive with this sort of behaviour by saying something like,
"I'll put the kids in bed if you load the dishwasher"
or
"I cooked, your turn for dishes"
or
"Hey lardy, get off the couch and do something you fat bastard"

At least that's how it works in my marriage!

Op if you are working and she is at home then she should be making dinner. You should make this clear to her. Then don't cook, go upstairs, have a shower and say hi to the children. Let her do the dinner, and refuse to engage.

From your other posts it seems to be me like you are not being clear, loud or assertive enough. Mumbling you will leave because of the phone is not direct enough.

Sit her down and tell her clearly that you have felt so low as to feel suicidal and you can not continue like this. Have a short list of the things that upset you most, and the solutions to them.

Share the list with her, and ask her directly if she is willing to make some changes or not. If she is, you have something to work with. If she is not, then you have no option but to leave and start a trial separation.

If she is lazy the last thing she will want is for you to leave.

Your emotional and intimate needs should follow when the phones are turned off. After 4pm is brilliant idea (we do that too) although ours is after 5.30pm. Talk, have dinner, book a babysitter go out.

You are in a rut, and it is possible to escape with your family intact, but you need to be more open and honest about your feelings with her.

Lockdown would have made this all feel worse, once the dc are back in school it should get better.

I agree with all the posts on here and it’s quite inspirational you have reached out as for a man it’s not easy to do I know !

Definatly try and have a date night out away from the kids and talk - there has to be a compromise , you really need to understand each other and show you get how each other are feeling . Not talking over each other and treating back so you have heard how the other person feels is a must .
Would deffo 100 percent recommend relate we have been and they’re brilliant - you can get it for free or cheap and if you can find someone to look after the kids that would be brilliant - it sounds like you need to make time at least 1-2 weeks to have some fun out the house and remember why you love each other

Appreciation goes along way and if you both told each other at least one thing why you appreciate each other every day that can really shift someone’s mind set and chip away at the resentment

If you feel there isn’t a balance then there needs to be a discussion and an agreement in terms of house chores as there’s nothing more annoying when someone is doing more it just feeds resentment . I’d deffo say have a review of it weekly and change stuff if it’s not suiting - like the others have mentioned on here maybe you could have an agreement of your partner gets to play on her phone when the house chores and kids are sorted and maybe you agree something like 2out of five nights you spend time with each other - no devices when the kids have gone to bed

Sometimes when we threaten stuff like I’m goi bf to leave - that’s a big mistake because of your wife worries about being abandoned anyway she will just underneath focus on that and think well he’s going to leave me anyway so why should I try so even though your frustrated - unless you actually are going to move out- try not to threaten her security I think it’s enough to tell her how unhappy you are but you do want to make things work

It might help to contact mind and Andy’s man club to have a space of your own to remember your identity again as well as a father , husband as often people become unhappy as they loose who they are , quite common I think !

I would also add by hugging her more and making sure you make time to hold her closely, ask her how she is feeling about her life, you may well connect on a more emotional level instantly. She may well feel as depressed, sad, overwhelmed and exhausted as you. She may also have a short list of her own she wants to share.

Marriages do have rough periods, they are to be expected, and covid will have put a huge strain on all of you.

Do you have date nights ever? Me and husband will have nights in where we specifically don’t turn tv on or look at phones. Get some gin in. It’s a good way to reconnect. Ours are younger tho so we can put them to bed for 7.30. Also, we both make sure we both get time away from the kids. To see friends, go running or whatever. Actually book it into the diary at a specific date and time. So you’ve got it to look forward to. Feeling burnt out is awful. Your wife doesn’t sound like she’s pulling her weight. Has she always been like this or has it been since having a third kid?

Finally, men’s suicide is one of the biggest killers in our country. So please try to get some support. CALM, is for men like someone said before.