Are you grateful for what you have?

[Nostrings457]

I used to be live for new experiences, make the most of my free time, constantly planning holidays to see different parts of the world. Now in my 30s with 3 DC (3-7) i feel like I am going through life wishing the days away until it gets easier. I work full time, DH works hard, totally useless around the house though and it is the cause of 99% of arguements. I seem to live day to day feeling stressed, surviving each day, getting through work to come home, cook, clean, separate DCs bickering x a million and then the dreaded bedtime, DC 7 y/o is naughty beyond belief. I feel like is this it?? Is this life now - muddling along. I can spend time with friends but its constant DC chit chatter like nothing else is happening in the world. I think if i could get in a state of being grateful for what i have it would give me a better outlook (ps, i am overall grateful but on a day to day basis i dont feel i appreciate anything if that makes sense). Need to vent, with a big sigh

Your problem is your “useless” husband he adds to your burden.
Your kids are just being kids,bickering etc it’s all part of development & how they test and know boundaries
Get the lazy arse husband sorted and that’ll help. Have a calm conversation that you need him to contribute,pull his weight. As a family you need to be a team
If he were to help you out your stresses would be considerably reduced.

Parenting does bring a whole new set of responsibilities and there v little spontaneity as your in a routine of work,school,(when it’s open) responsibilities and that prohibits spontaneously doing something, no taking off , no just fancy it travel Plans

Sort your

Gah pressed too soon
Sort your husband, get him to step up

In a word, yes. I have 3 kids under 4 including twins and I genuinely enjoy life at the moment.

BUT I have a DH who genuinely pulls his weight and this makes a huge difference. He cooks most nights, he parents the kids, we share bath and bedtimes (one night he does eldest and I do the twins, then we swap), we share night waking etc. Yes, the kids drive us nuts sometimes but we both collapse on the sofa at 7.30 with a good meal and a glass of red wine and roll our eyes at each other. So I would 100% tackle the DH problem first.

Second thing that helps is we just try to do what we enjoy and not only "kid-friendly" things. We went to an art exhibition today - had to use the disabled lift for the double stroller - and took the kids. Babies snoozed, 3 year old was intrigued, later at home was talking about giant flowers and the bird-man. We go out for coffee and a nice lunch when we fancy. Give eldest iPad if we must. We've taken 6 hour plane journeys, moved countries, done all sorts of things people think you are mad to do with young kids. What the hell. It's your lives too.

Third thing is that I try to enjoy the moments which are magical and forget the squabbling, middle-of-night screeching, tantrums etc. Not easy but it is a helpful mindset for me.

3 under 7 here. It’s a slog at times but yes I appreciate what I have and yes I enjoy my life. I don’t have a useless husband who doesn’t pull his weight though.

You sound burnt out. Although I also did not enjoy those ages! But I think in hindsight it was because I was burnt out too.

Do you ever get a break? Do you and DH spend time together? It is concerning that he does nothing around the house, even though you both work FT. Is he aware that not doing anything essentially dumps it all on your plate?

Could you afford a cleaner? Not a solution to everything, but might help lighten some of the load.

Oldest DC - concern of SN kind of naughty or just bearing the brunt of exhausted/stressed parents?

I am very contented. My 3 DC have grown up, none smoke, take drugs or drink excessively. They are all good people. This makes me very happy. I have 2 wonderful grandsons. I have a wonderful husband who spoils me and still turns me on. I have retired early from teaching after a long career I really enjoyed. I am now a foster carer to a 14 year old SN son who is blooming and growing in confidence and a talented cricketer, after a terrible start in life. I only have less than 4 years left before mortgage is paid. I have no debt except BTL mortgages that give me a good second income. I have a holiday home in France large enough that extended family can stay at the same time as us. I like and get on well with my in-laws. I have some good friends. Since retiring I have 2 fabulous dogs and 5 loving cats that bring me great joy. My health is not too bad and my dh had a brain tumor removed and operation was successful. Nowadays I even get along with my ex husband. If I could just lose a stone I would have it all. Overall I know I am very very lucky and I take nothing for granted as in the past I have known some bad and desparate times.

It's OK to get frustrated and have a vent sometimes, I don't think that makes you ungrateful. I agree with pp that a few changes could help you become happier day to day. DH has to step up for one. Two, you can still make the most your admittedly much more limited free time. Trade off looking after dc sometimes and go places by yourself. No one is going anywhere at the moment anyway so try to put world travel out of your mind.

As for the friends thing, It's easy to fall in to conversation habits but you can step out of them. Maybe they are tired of dc chit chat as well. Maybe come up with a few topics in advance so you can steer the conversation elsewhere. This is what I always do even before dc since I'm really shy and not great at conversation.

As to your question, it's both for me. I'm mostly grateful but I lose sight of that day to day sometimes.

Practising gratitude is so very important and a useful thing to do. It’s a great thing to do as a couple too.
I think you’re maybe a bit bogged down in it all at the moment. You need a bit of support from your dh by the sounds of things. It’s causing arguments so he’s aware there’s a problem ? Yet he’s done nothing to address the issue . What’s his attitude like?

I’ve got two kids aged 1 and 4. I’m a stay at home mum and dh works full time. He helps with the children and housework etc.Especially since going back to work after 4 months furlough. I’m so grateful.

I’ve got friends in similar situation to yourself and it makes me sad and angry. It’s not fair to put up with it. It’s just so backwards and disrespectful.

I have asked my husband why he does jobs and helping out round the house . .I’d kick his ass if he didn’t , why would you want to be that guy , he thinks it good example for the children, If someone is asking for help why refuse them, it’s his responsibility because he pays for it.