Tips for daily life with two kids

[TwoPlugs]

I'm normally a chilled out, sort-of-organised mum, just get on with it but the last few weeks I feel like I'm drowning. I know I've got life pretty easy, husband works from home, kids both sleep well so I don't really have anything to complain about. But just recently, I can't cope.

DS is just 3, DD is 11 months. DD is breastfed, really clingy at (lots of) times. Still feeds 4 times a day, not overly keen on food. She will only nap for me, only settle for me.

Everyone wakes up at 7am, nappy change, I feed DD. We play, depending on how long she feeds for i'll try to brush teeth, wash and go hair but there's not generally time. Go for breakfast at 8. Then everyone gets ready. DS ready in full, I can never get fully ready before DD needs to nap about 9:45/10. Yesterday I had to deal with strangers at lunchtime realising I hadn't managed to wash my face or brush my teeth. DD wakes up from nap at around 11:15/11:30, lunch for everyone at 12:00. At this point I tend to realise I've not drank all day. I try to eat but if DD is crying as normal I get kids food ready and then I barely eat. DD naps again around 2:30pm. Wakes 3-3.15, feeds. Dinner at 5. Bed at 7. By the time I've got DD to sleep and can escape the room it's 7:45/8 and I'm exhausted, I try to go for a walk but that's my productivity for the day gone. Nothing is getting done. I can start stuff but not finish it- just taken washing out the machine at 6:30 that I put in first thing this morning, still have 2 loads to go on.

Am I wasting time? Is there a more efficient way of doing stuff? Have you got any amazing time saving hacks? Right now I could get up at 6:30 so I can get ready fully, but that doesn't help me with the rest of the stuff. All tips greatfully received! If you've no tips then some form of virtual hug would be great, I've cried a lot today. Sorry for my long, incoherent ramble.

There were paragraphs in that but the app put paid to that.

Virtual hug here but no advice sorry. 3 yo twins and my days have been like yours for 3 years, I often head out for a walk with them and realise I've not brushed hair / teeth or I've got slippers on or something. I feel your pain! Fwiw you sound on top of things compared to me!

Are you getting any time for yourself? Alone. While dh has the kids.

Frustrating, relentless and lonely. You are doing what I think is the toughest stage of parenting through what's probably the toughest time in our generation. No wonder you feel like you are losing. But you are not losing. Not when winning is simply getting through the day in the easiest way possible. You are a flipping hero!!

Please lower your standards - wash less, care less, guilt less. My kids said at lunch time the other day "by the way we haven't had breakfast." Oops! I blame them. No one died!

What is partner doing to help - I think you need some head space. Even if it's just a 10 min walk. Virtual hug from me you poor thing. Let me get you a cup of tea.

Thanks for the hug *Bubble. Twins must be crazy hard, huge respect to you for making it outside the house! Good to know other people forget to do the basics. Nobody IRL tells you about their shit days!

Bernadette he's pretty good, but it will be taking them for a walk 45 mins before dinner, and by that time I'm just needing to calm down and regroup. I'm going out the house Saturday but only for 4 hours because DD will not take milk from a bottle or cup. (DH plays golf every Sunday but let's not go there, grrr) I guess i just need to hang on for when I can get more dedicated, worthwhile me time.

I had a similar age gap. I was back at work when my youngest was six months old! I can only offer my experience, but my youngest was largely weaned and on solids by this age. He was FF and would generally have some milk in the morning and then in the evening before bed. He was only having one nap around mid day. He was relatively happy to sit down and play with toys or his brother while I put my make up on for work. You definitely have to get yourself up, showered and dressed before you start on anyone else though.

What's your partner doing before 9am? He should be helping with breakfast and giving you time to get ready for the day. Likewise in the evening he should be there to help prep dinner or feed/bathe kids, or do stories. Even if you take turns with this stuff it makes a huge difference.

Evrything else sounds like you're sorted and have a good routine. It's a difficult age and stage!

There's only so much you can do, so just handle the greater need first. If one DC has to wail for a minute while you tend to the other, remember: "This is where they learn life lessons like how to share and wait their turn”.

Try to get your son to nap in the afternoon when you baby naps. If he won’t nap, train him to have some quiet time by himself. Put him wherever you’ve decided play time should be, give him an egg timer, and assure him you’ll return when the timer is up. When the timer is up, thank him for playing by himself like a big boy and reward him by either joining in with his play or reading a story. Expect some resistance at first because no one likes change. It might be a good idea to get a few new toys so that there is something special to begin this process. You could save some toys that he is only able to play with during quiet play time alone. This will help keep it fresh and exciting. The trick is to be very clear on your expectations with him so he knows what to expect. Also, make clear consequences if he breaches those expectations.

When the baby’s napping and he’s quiet too, don’t do housework! Just sit and space out. Stare at a wall. Listen to music. Close your eyes. Read a magazine.

Try to involve your toddler in caring for your baby if you can. He might be able to help you out with nappy changes by passing you the wet wipes or a new nappy. My toddler was surprisingly helpful. He entertained the baby, and got stuff when I was stuck on the sofa nursing. His chatter and questions also made for interesting conversations.

When you wonder why you ever had your children so close together, don’t forget to step back and focus on the positives of a small age gap. There are lots, trust me, but that’s another thread!

I'm single parent to a 3 year old and 1 year old. While the little one naps I get stuff done by putting the TV on for the older one or getting him to play with something like playdoh or Playmobil on the kitchen table while I buzz round tidying/putting washing on etc. It's hard that I can't give the eldest 1 on 1 attention during that time but at least the basics get done.

The bathroom gets a wipe round while they're in the bath, the 1 year old can sit in the highchair with toys for a short while while I hang washing out etc. Ironing has to be done while they're both asleep obviously but I only iron my work clothes really. Lowering standards helps! But yes some days it all gets a bit much.

Where is your other half in all this?

At the moment DH is working from home so it’s easier for me. Our 2 are just 4 and just 1. Wake up at 7 and a bf DD2, wake up DD1 and head down stairs for nappy change then we start breakfast at this point DH comes downstairs showered and dressed I go upstairs to get showered and dressed. I come down stairs to dressed children with brushed teeth.

Summerhouse thank you. Was feeding DD to sleep and your message made me cry. A cathartic cry!

Fatted my DS was more like your youngest, had dropped his morning nap, dropped feeds (FF) and was eating loads of food by now. DD treated exactly the same bar (BF) and I think, controversially, this is some of the issue. She will play happily by herself but has started hassling me, just because she likes to have a good whinge sometimes it seems. Hoping it's a leap. Damn it, I'm going to have to get out of bed earlier, aren't I.

Invisimamma DH is pretty good, gets DS ready but is laxidasical and does things slowly. He needs a bomb up his arse, and I've tried. He cooks dinner 2/3 times a week (terrible cook, but beggars can't be choosers), reads lots of stories and bathed them tonight. I wish he would take charge - "you sit on sofa Plugs and I'll do X,Y and Z". But he won't, it just doesn't enter his head. And then when I tell him what to do I'm nagging/controlling/whatever. He does his best, he's just slow. Good to know you think routine is OK. Just need to bide my time it seems!

Some excellent advice Ricekrispie and you've actually described DS to a tee. Made me remember he is great, most if the time and will occupy himself when baby naps. He loves the baby and plays with her lots, brings her toys when she cries. I feel like I do need permission to stare into space or just zone out, so I will start doing that. I wanted two close together and you're right, I must remember the positives!

Timeforsinging you really are wonder woman, see I have no cause to complain. I fall into that trap of thinking they should always be occupied when actually 5 mins in the highchair while I sweep up is fine. Time to lower some more standards! Find that bit hard.

Lockdown that sounds ace. That's how I want it to work, but my husband needs a crowbar to get him out of bed in the morning. He just faffs around having multiple poos and a luxurious 15 minute shave. He can't/won't comprehend how valuable time is nowadays! If I wander off to get ready I feel like I'm missing out on time with the kids... when actually if I just crack on and get ready, I'll have more time with them.

Oh dear god, deffo not wonder woman, just blagging my way through it all! I have help from my mum but it's to enable me to go to work not so I can get time to myself.

My eldest actually enjoys being helpful (if he's in the right mood) and earns pennies for his money box doing odd bits of dusting and pretend hoovering. It's all life skills too

I have a 3.5 year old and a 16 month old.
I'm in my own 5 days a week while DH works 8am and gets home at 11pm.

It's very tough.

Extremely tough.

No real advice because I just try to take each day as it comes. I try not to be strict on a routine, I have a 'loose' routine for naps etc but activities are just how the kids (and I) are feeling. If they want to wake up a little later one day, that's fine!

I used to look at these 'perfect' mums and honestly, I think we all know deep down that nothing can really be perfect and they probably have bad days too (they just don't let on)

@TwoPlugs

Lockdown that sounds ace. That's how I want it to work, but my husband needs a crowbar to get him out of bed in the morning. He just faffs around having multiple poos and a luxurious 15 minute shave. He can't/won't comprehend how valuable time is nowadays! If I wander off to get ready I feel like I'm missing out on time with the kids... when actually if I just crack on and get ready, I'll have more time with them.

You need to say to mine if you want to get up at 7 and leave the house by 8.10 or whatever then we get 30 mins each to get ready. Once he has had his 30 mins take the kids and hand them over and then get yourself ready. Kids can play around him in the bedroom.

We do a similar routine to @Lockdownseperation

Two kids, baby and four year old. Get up at 7, husband starts work at 9, in that time we both get breakfast, showered and dressed.

7am oldest son gets up
7.05-7.30 we all eat cereal together, baby eats purée
7.30-7.45 cup of tea, four year old watches TV, baby rolls about causing chaos
7.45-8.10 I have shower and get dressed, or husband does if baby is breast feeding
8.10-8.40 Husband has shower and gets dressed, meanwhile I get the two kids dressed.
8.40-9.00 Try and get four year old to brush teeth and go to the toilet. He has a tantrum or two before this happens.
9.00 Husband disappears upstairs.

It's rubbish getting up early to get ready before everyone else, but it works. My DH works compressed hours and always leaves the house around 6am, so I never had the luxury of being able to rely on his help in the mornings.

It’s definitely easier when you have two adults working together efficiently. W

Before lockdown and my second child being born my husband used to work away in the week, so I was getting up before my eldest woke to have a shower and get dressed. I think it’s about carving out time for yourself and prioritising you as well as everyone else.

If things return to normal and my husband is working away again, soon I will have to get both kids up by myself and then one off to school and one to nursery in time to be at work for 9am, which I am dreading!

Thanks for the replies and advice. Fed DD this morning, jumped out of bed and got ready straight away. Washed and dressed before breakfast and felt so much better and in control for it. All the replies have helped me realise I have to pick what needs to be done and the rest is a bonus if I manage it. No crying today, hooray! Still feel like I need to play with them both a bit more.

I would stick the 3 year old in front of the tv/tablet while the baby naps. Then you can wash/dress/eat etc.

Sounds like you're doing really well considering! No advice really but just keep doing part tasks where you can. For example, put washing in washer the night before, turn it on at breakfast, at lunch (or whenever you walk past it) take washing out - 3 year old could 'help'. For getting dressed etc I used to do my make up while baby was playing in the bath, or in their cot., or brush my hair in the kitchen etc - have a bag of things you can take round the house and be flexible on where you get ready? It's not ideal, it's not perfect but like everything it's a phase, it will get easier eventually, good luck, stay strong

I've got 3 kids under 4 including 7mo twins who are breastfed. Routine and a switched-on DH are my saviours.

Some things that work for me:

• Taking turns with DH to shower and dress after breakfast. I never skip this, helps me wake up and mentally face the day!
• Babies have a routine for feeds and meals. Now on 3 feeds a day plus dreamfeed so much less demanding on me.
• No feeding to sleep (except dreamfeed but they're already asleep I guess)
• DH does at least one nap put-down a day and we alternate bedtimes so one night I do twins and he does eldest then we swap. I feed babies first obviously. But there is no 'won't settle for him'. We just push through any resistance. You can't be the sole person who can comfort them, you'll never get a break.
• One load of washing a day. Get a dryer if you can, hanging out and folding washing takes so much time. I don't iron anything for me and the kids - DH does his own shirts if needed.
• We meal plan for the week and take turns to cook. Once kids are asleep, whoever isn't cooking does a quick tidy, gets laundry out of dryer etc, sort into piles, empty bin, whatever.
• When twins have their main nap, after lunch DS1 gets some TV and we CHILL.
• Try to get out of the house most days. Kids enjoy the stroll, we get to chat.

It is NOT easy. We have a cleaner once a week to do a deep clean of bathrooms, kitchen, clean floors etc which is a massive help. If you can afford it, do it. Otherwise pick one job a day each and fit it in wherever.