Your experience - Moving back to my home country after divorce with children

[lilyblue82]

Hello all,

I am after some advice on experiences of moving back to the home country after separation and taking the children with me. My ex and I are both Italian, both from the same area. Children are 6 and 8 and they are both fluent in Italian.

My ex husband and I have been married from 2007 (we moved to London in 2007) until 2016, we divorced in March 2017, we got back together in June of 2017, moved from London to Birmingham in 2018 (because of his career) but my ex cheated AGAIN on me and we separated about two months ago. He cheated multiple times, he had an affair for about a year when I was pregnant with my youngest and I have endured so much humiliation (I had PTSD because my youngest was born as a result of a trauma he created). We moved from London (I left all my friends, it's a city I love so much) to Birmingham for a fresh start but I found him cheating on me again just before lockdown.

There is one episode in 2019 where my ex husband hit my eldest and left the child traumatised. My ex also suffered depression and he is bipolar. He harassed me and he was arrested in 2016, I dropped the charges.

My situation is:

I have a great job and my manager is supportive of the move, however they want to transfer me on an Italian contract. If this does not work out I won't be able to say that I have a job if I move back to Italy and at the moment it is not easy to have a job there.

I have a house in Birmingham I am prepared to sell if I have to.

I have a lawyer who is taking care of my case.

I am ALONE in Birmingham, I have few friends but I am scared of being alone and I am scared of falling into depression again

I would have a house in my hometown I have to refurbish, the kids can have my family and my ex's family close by together with relatives and friends. They can live in a great nurturing environment and I am happy to pay for tickets to my husband to come and see them once a month and I am prepared for him to have the kids for the majority of their school holidays.

I would love to hear experiences from those who have been in a similar situation and the outcome.

Thank you

xx

Forgot to say that I work from home as my company is based in London, I have nothing in Birmingham except that my children have their dad there.

Will your ex agree to the kids moving country?

If you are allowed legally it seems a no brainier!

My ex will fight until the end and that’s where my worries are. I am not sure the court will allow me to move back if I don’t have a job or the perspective of a job although I seriously fear for my mental health if I spend more time in Birmingham. Does anyone have experience of a court granting the move without the perspective of a job? Thanks

The court weighs up everything, its not just about a job.

Also, as your kids are little your ex will need to agree to them going to Italy with you. You cant just take them.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene I know I can’t just take them and I’m happy to pay for tickets for him to see them once a month. He is going to fight my decision and he will probably want to fight in court rather than mediation. I just hope I could hear experienced of people in a similar situation as mine

If he physically assaulted your eldest should he be anywhere near your children?

I had a friend go through something similar to this (albeit Spain, not Italy). You need to look reasonable and well considered in court. My friend won his court case because he was the more reasonable one, his ex was really hardline about things and it didnt go in her favour. She wanted to take the child and move to London with no prospect of a job and no consideration as to how she was going to pay for things. That also didnt go in her favour. I think if you're saying that you'll happily pay for tickets for him to fly to Italy every month you'll need to prove you can afford it (can you? With no prospect of a job?) You're ex also needs to agree that he wants to go to Italy every month. You need to look at schools they will go to, prove that they're good. In essence, you need to prove that their lives will be better in Italy than they are here. The fact that your ex is violent will go against him, but you need to put together a well thought out, practical, reasonable plan.

I think it will be hard, as you's have to be 100% sure that you will have a stable job and income once you move, support (do you have family where you want to move), and you'd have to prove that's in the children's best interest. Are your kids settled here? Job market in Italy is not good right now, at all.

Also, maybe you could post on the legal section here or join a facebook group with mums who've been through the same (there are a few groups for italian mums).

I don't think you can. Hague convention. But best of luck

Oh and you asked for experience, I was told a firm 'no' by my lawyer (Spain) my children were born here and I am British. Father Spanish.

The Hague Convention is to prevent child abduction. If the OPs ex agrees to letting the children live in Italy then its not abduction. OPs ex would have to agree to it though, she cant just take them.

Precisely, she has said clearly he would fight it.

This is child abduction in the eyes of the law, if one parent refuses to let the children move countries.

Were they born in the UK?

She already says in a post above she knows she cant just take them.

How often does he have sole charge of the DC now?

We have 50% shared custody and I’m prepared to challenge that

@lillyblue82 Where were your children born? Where do they go to school/doctors etc... this is key. Your issues with your ex are irrelevant, sadly.

If they were born in Italy you have a fighting chance. Presumably they are at school and registered with doctors here etc.

I am stuck in Spain for this very issue. I leave own my own (I would NEVER) it would be 'abandonment'.

Many women in your situation.

@BillieEilish if they have been here since 2007 there are good chances the children were born here and are British (they should be entitled to the citizenship anyway, as they were born 5 years after their parents arrival).

With a 50% custody I'm not sure you will be able to leave.

I agree, a good chance, but many people (wisely) choose to give birth back home. I so wish I had.

I sadly, also think she can't take the DC's back.

I imagine the difficulty of travel in the Covid era may also be brought up at trial.

Could you try to move back to London if Italy isn't an option?

@BillieEilish, yes, I think in this specific case it will be tough. Even assuming that the family back home is supporting and helpful (and that might be true but it might also be false) the other parent will not agree for the kids to move. My biggest worry, if I was the OP, would be leaving a job that is certain in the current climate.