Tell me how things changed when you had your second baby

[bornninthe80s]

What's life like with two? How did this affect your first born and your relationship with your OH? How do the siblings get on now? Any regrets? Did you always know you'd have two or was there a point you wanted just one?

I want to know everything

In some ways it affected DH more than me, as we went from (with one child) me doing most of the childcare with DH doing other non child jobs and occasionally taking DC1, to (with toddler and newborn) me mostly looking after the baby and DH looking after DC1. So he did much more solo/hands on parenting than before. That was a good thing overall but in the short term it felt like nobody ever got a break.

There was even less spare time, sleep and spare energy than before - but tbh DC1 had been such a difficult baby that we’d pretty much bottomed out on those anyway.

DC1 didn’t react badly to DC2’s arrival. It helped a lot that she started morning nursery soon after DC2 was born - so she was busy and happy there and had plenty of attention.

They didn’t really play together until DC2 reached age 2, although there were some lovely moments with DC1 making Dc2 laugh. Since age 2 and 4 they have played together a lot - at first it was about 50:50 playing and arguing, and required a lot of supervision, but now they are 7 and 5 they generally get along well and have been great together on holidays and during lockdown. Having each other has taught them both to wait, share, take turns - DC1 is still very demanding and without a sibling, I suspect would’ve got her own way a lot more which wouldn’t have been good for her long term.

No regrets.

We both always wanted two, then after DC1 (preemie, non sleeping, non feeding, crying) I thought I couldn’t face it, but came back round to two.

So interesting to read, thank you @minipie for taking the time to reply!

I had depression after my 2nd child and having 2 under 2 was the most difficult time of my life. I hated it at the time and wished I'd never had dc2. That bond took ages to develop.

Dc 1 was 17 months when dc 2 was born and loved being a big brother. There was no jealousy or animosity and tried his best to be helpful. My bond with him didn't change.

It was very hard until dc 2 was about 18 months/2 years.

They're 7 & 9 now, get on great most of the time despite bickering quite a lot. Dc2 is lovely and nothing like that needy, clingy, fussy baby. I'm now glad I had 2 close together and not a big age gap. I'm also glad I didn't have any more.

I’ll let you know in about 5ish weeks when DD2 makes her appearance. DD1 is 6.5 now so it will be interesting to see how she copes with going from being an only to having to share me and DH. She’s very excited to be a big sister though.

My DC are 2.5 years and 4 months. I worried a lot about my bond with my eldest but it hasnt changed. I ask for her help with baby and she will bring me nappies, bottle and tell me when her sister is crying "Muuuuuuuuuum baby wah waaaah" 😂 obviously the baby has never knew any different so just enjoys having a hyper toddler bouncing around them.

DP does much more one on one parenting than before. Often will take one DC whilst I sort the other etc. Sex is a bit more trickier but you find ways.

It's crazy hectic but I am enjoying it so much, their bond is so lovely (so far) My only issue is that I thought I wanted 2 and then done, but find myself debating another one. I dont know if that feeling ever really goes.

All very interesting reading thanks everyone. Massive congrats to you @BeingATwatItsABingThing for the impending arrival of your number 2!

Thank you.

I am about to come into a huge culture shock. DH and I are so used to having our evenings and sleep back.

That's what I'm worrying about too! Our DD sleeps great, including day nap.

I wonder if other mums of two are too busy to comment

I have a 5.5yo and a 1yo.
We wanted a closer age gap but I had 4 MCs between my babies so tbh I'm just happy to have a healthy happy baby.

After birth it was quite hard, my eldest loved having a baby but my time was suddenly diverted from her. 4 weeks after baby was born she started school so my routine for baby just kind of slotted around the school day, but this meant I had time to bond with baby on his own.

As baby has grown they have been excellent together, dd is old enough to be a real help, I can leave them alone for short periods of time.

We'd forgotten a lot of the crap baby stuff including weaning and awful sleep/naps but with an older one it's good to remind yourself that it's all a phase and they come out almost normal at the end!

In hindsight it's all worked out well but we had a rough few years of trying.
Definitely no regrets.
Good luck OP.

My DS is 2.5 and my DD is nearly 3 months. I have found it hard so far. My DS has become a little monster since his sister was born. I never had to tell him off before now I'm constantly saying kind hands, don't hit the baby etc. I constantly feel guilty that I am neglecting the baby as she just gets put in the sling or rocker so I can focus on DS. Bedtimes are a nightmare as they both want me. However when DS is sweet with DD, it melts my heart.

In an ideal world would have been better to wait till DS around 3 and hopefully less needy but I'm quite old so didn't feel time was on my side.

My eldest was 2 yrs 3 mo this when little sister was born (now 3 and 1). I thought I'd done well in emotionally preparing eldest but was still jealous when sister was born. For me also the first 6 months were a lot of 'gentle hands', 'no slapping'.

I had to accept that my eldest was going to watch A Lot of TV for a few months as it was the only way to get them to stay away from the baby while I did Nap time.
However, about 6 months in they Started to interact and now play (a bit), that's just lovely and to me it really feels like our family of 4 is a team.

It helped that my youngest has always been an excellent napper (opposite of eldest!) which meant I could give oldest some daily 1 on 1 time. I'm not going to lie, it has been bloody tough at times, the mum guilt can be immense (if you let it), but it does get better. I love it and havnt ruled out a third

My youngest is 5 weeks and my twins are 3 and 3 months so I’m literally in the thick of it! I’m not going to lie it’s HARD. Harder than I could’ve imagined. The guilt I feel over my twins having to take a back seat is immense, the baby cries all day, unless attached to my boob, won’t nap or be put down and my twins are watching more paw patrol than I feel comfortable with but at the moment needs must. The behaviour of my elder two has deteriorated massively, they are desperate for my attention, they are rough with the baby (want to kiss him and hold him all the time), my house is trashed and bedtime is a nightmare. I know that eventually everything will settle down and be lovely (number 3 was much planned and wanted) but for now it’s not very enjoyable for anyone!!!!

It was surprisingly OK but then - DD (oldest) was 3 and a pretty easy toddler; slept well, didn't use buggy anymore, just out of nappies and was at nursery two days a week; DS was also a not too difficult newborn and baby, and a reasonable sleeper. So we didn't have any long-term exhaustion to contend with. DD never got jealous of DS and he wasn't so demanding that I couldn't give her attention anyway. I think it helped that we had both parents nearby, so they both had attention from and time with them (and DH and I got some time to ourselves)

They're now 9 and 12 and get on suprisingly well. Bickerings are brief and sporadic, but now DD is entering adolescence (and her brother is not a very mature 9yo) I expect he will start to grate on her a lot more soon.

So not much help from me on dealing with challenges, but worth saying it's not always a massive challenge either.

Always knew I wanted at least 2. Started trying for second when eldest was only 9 months. Bit crazy really. But at that age she was a dream baby so it seemed like a good idea.

Took a while and fell pregnant just when she was starting to walk! Exhausting.

22 month age gap, both girls. Now aged 5 and 3 (and they have a 9 month old brother).

No regrets! They are best friends, constant play mates, even when they fight I see it as building important conflict skills!!

It was pretty intense at the beginning, I do remember feeling quite flustered a lot of the time. I was determined they would be friends so poured lots of energy into eldest, making sure she didn’t resent her baby sister. Baby got neglected a bit. Now she’s a VERY outspoken 3 year old so she’s making up for lost time.

Also my husband is incredible. Really really hands on, does loads of the night stuff, so much energy for playing with them both, always does bedtime etc etc. I think if he was less great, I would have really struggled.

Sleep is an ongoing challenge. They totally used to tag team us. Having a second pushed me into coffee addiction. We were so smug about our first sleeping in, second born is an early riser and wakes the whole house. Aaaargh.

One of the things I like about having 2 though is that it keeps you humble. Our first was basically a model baby. After a couple of months of absolute hell, she slept pretty well, smiled at everyone, happy to be passed around, once weaned ate everything and feeding her was a joy. We were THOSE parents. Thought she ate well because we love food and she was picking up on our vibes. Happy to be passed around - because we were so relaxed about it. HA!!!

Had our second - that showed us. She was incredibly clingy, terrible sleeper, refused to be put in a high chair and only ate beetroot and yoghurt for the first year of her life.

It’s reassuring to know that not everything is down to how great/rubbish your parenting is.

Also there’s a lot you can do with one baby that you can’t do with 2 (or 3). With first I used to do post natal yoga, baby swimming, buggy running, etc. Second time round I couldn’t do any of that. It was much more intense and harder. Going from 2 to 3 has been a doddle in comparison to 1 to 2. Probably because it’s already complete chaos so adding one more to the mix doesn’t make a huge difference. Whereas life with one child (especially an easygoing one) was pretty chilled. Still no regrets!!

@bornninthe80s

That's what I'm worrying about too! Our DD sleeps great, including day nap.

I wonder if other mums of two are too busy to comment

Pretty much 🤣🤣

I made sure not to make the same mistake with DH that I made when first was born. When we got home from hospital I will give DH the baby after feed to wind or just to hold so I wasn't left holding the baby or baby preferring me like the first time🤣

My first was excited to have a sibling and kept telling everyone I was in hospital with the baby. The neighbors all knew by the time I got home.
There's 2.5 years and two weeks between them. No jealousy or animosity at all. First was left alone for a bit longer than before and one day first child smeared bitter all over his Thomas the tank trains. You just have to laugh.
Like the first poster they are now 5 and 7 and have kept one another happy, angry, excited all through lockdown. They get up to so much mischief . Eldest loves playing the grown up and youngest keeps on clinging on to being the baby.
Although youngest tends to enjoy annoying eldest 1% of the time.

For us as parents, very little down time until youngest started sleeping. We were happy with two until recently (me)😆 I'm glad they have each other as I am an only child and DH siblings are11 and 17 years younger than him so teenager and mid twenties. Best of luck.

Hey, it was the best thing we ever did having another child, after our first I was adament I wasn't having another but after 2 year I changed my mind, mine and my partners relationship hasn't changed at all. I have found going from 1-2 easier than 0-1 even though I worried I wouldn't cope when my partner went back to work but it's lovely. Yeah some days are hard but most days are smooth. My nearly 3 year old is quite a good child so half the battle.

Good luck with whatever you choose xxx

It was a tense 4 minutes spent on my back with one baby on me and forceps trying to extract the other via my c section incision.

Hi, I have a dd who is 2 yrs 8 months and ds who is 3 months now and I like the age gap between them. Sometimes dd is still a little bit needy and can get abit overwhelming when I'm trying to feed ds and she's constantly asking for a snack/drink/toilet but she loves him so much, she's obsessed with him and wants to hold him all the time, always gives him kisses. She played up a bit in the first few weeks, but ds was born on Xmas eve and my mum came to stay to look after her while I was in the hospital so I out that down to the change and the overwhelm if Christmas and new years etc. After 2 it 3 weeks I think she realised he's not going anywhere lol so she decided to get on with it. Although she can be full on during the day she goes to bed at 7pm , 2 stories then is left to self settle and has been like this since a year old and she sleeps through til morning. I couldn't have even contemplated having another if she was still waking in the night tbh

Loved reading through this thread :)
I have a 16m/o and expecting second in May so it was great reading other mums experiences with 2.

My dd is currently quite clingy to me and at that moany tantrum stage

DD1 had just turned 2 when DD2 was born. I found the first 6 months or so ok (despite lockdown) but after that the extreme sleep deprivation with DD2 plus once she became more mobile I started to struggle a lot. Also lockdown fatigue. At times I've been so very low. Being with 2 little children day in day out at times its been so exhausting. But now DD2 is almost 18 months and lockdown easing I've started to see a chink of light at the end of the tunnel! They play together & laugh together (also scrap at times!). I love knowing they have each other!

@SleepingStandingUp

It was a tense 4 minutes spent on my back with one baby on me and forceps trying to extract the other via my c section incision.

😂

I had to pay my nanny a shed load more being as my first was only 2 !. Worth every penny coz at the end of the day she was totally frazzled.

I have nearly 2yo and a 4.5 yo.

I think you just have a capacity for stress, exhaustion etc and you'll sometimes hit that whether you have one or two or more DC. In some ways it's less work because dc1 learns not to expect your full attention all the time, raising an only child can be quite intense and claustrophobic.

Way less of the mum and baby groups/hanging out in parks side of things because there's too much housework, nursery pick up times, and groups are full of first time mums finding their feet which is boring when you're not a ftm!

You have good days and bad days, like anything else. When it's bad, it's worse and when is good it's better than just one, imho.

Depends on what kind of baby you get though!

I’ve got a 5 year old and a 19 month old. 3 and a half year gap which wasn’t planned but we had 2 mc.

I’ve found going from 1-2 absolutely fine compared to 0-1. I find with 2 they entertain each other whereas with 1 I found it really intense as it’s you that is mainly the entertainment.

Yes, there is physically more work such as more laundry, cooking but what’s another load of washing/extra chopping when you are already doing it anyway?

Baby 2 has been easier than our first with regards to sleep but I think it’s pot luck. It could go either way.

I think your first child’s temperament has a lot to do with how they take the new addition. Our first child is very laid back thankfully.

They have just recently starting to engage probably together and it’s adorable. They do fight now and then as well.

With 1 I used to dread the thought of having 12 hours of just me and baby in front of me. Now the days are broken up with school runs and a nap. The days go so fast. I do 1 toddler group now (Covid permitting) compared to loads with my first. Just don’t have time and can’t be bothered.

I do miss 1-2-1 time with my eldest but my husband and I tend to take it in turns at the weekend having time just with her to do ‘big kid’ stuff, usually involving little bits of Lego!

I recommend keeping your eldest in childcare when a second child is born if they already go. We all benefited (me-sleep, older child-more attention/friends. Newborns are boring to them!)

As our second child gets older, taking our eldest child to after school clubs etc has got harder but lockdown has helped with this. It helps if you have local family support though which we don’t.

I love having 2 and I’m glad we did.