I'm a terrible mum and can't cope

[pinkdogday]

So I'm not really sure where to start here. I feel terrible for writing it all to be honest, and feel like a terrible mother.

When my 2nd dc was born 2 years ago, I have suffered on and off with bad anxiety and depression. There was a very small gap between my children (15 mo). I'm a mess. He suffered terribly with colic and was a whingey baby unlike my 1st, he also wanted feeding a lot and just felt I was constantly making bottles. We had no special bonding time as my eldest was still a baby so he just tagged along to what we were doing.

As he's gotten older he is just constantly on the go, still a whinger, never listens, throws the most horrendous tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants, every nappy change is still a fight, he still throws his food around.. you get the picture. Probably doesn't help that he is behind in speech and doesn't say much yet. Everyone describes him as a handful. I dread waking up in the mornings. Anything he shouldn't be doing he will definitely be doing, usually dangerous. This sounds normal toddler behaviour but it's just constant and my DH and I are often at our wits end and very stressed, often end up shouting which is not good.

My husband has been on furlough for months now and I've still been working, so he has taken over primary parent role mostly which has been great in some ways but I feel incredibly guilty about not being a proper mum. Some days my anxiety has been so bad I barely get out of bed.

Just the relentlessness of parenting is really really draining. We never get a break and have had 1 meal out together in about 18 months. The eldest still sleeps in with us so that at least we are getting some sleep. There's just never an off button. DH is of sound mind so doesn't suffer with stress like I do which is good, but I just feel like a failure.

I've tried various medications which just don't work and I can't cope with the side effects. Currently receiving CBT but to be honest I'm not finding it that helpful, and my practitioner is obviously working from home due to covid and they have young kids who are often screaming in the background, which is totally not their fault and I sympathise but it's impacting the usefulness. The sessions are meant to last 30-60 minutes and I am usually done within 10 minutes.

I don't even know what I want from this post really. Maybe just writing it all down will relieve some weight from my shoulders.

1. You ARE a proper mum, just as your DH is a proper dad. My DH is the primary carer too, nothing wrong with that.
2. You are not a failure. You are managing work, 2 young DC and mental health challenges during a global pandemic. It's never going to be easy, and you are seeking help - it might just take a bit of time to find something that works for you 3)Dc2 does sound like hard work, some children are and again it's fine to acknowledge it and not feel guilty about it

I don't have any good advice at the mo, just reassurance that you are not failing or a bad parent, so please give yourself a break - there is no point in being hard on yourself and making things worse, when it is clear you're at a very difficult time in your life as a family.
Things will change, get easier as the DC get older and hopefully you will find some therapy or medication that works for you

You sound completely exhausted and worn down by it all.

It's a really challenging, tough age. It does feel relentless when you're in the thick of it and it sounds like you're being very tough on yourself. A counsellor once advised that when I'm criticising myself, to try to think about what I'd say to a friend in the same position.

Don't feel guilty about working while your husband takes over the primary carer role - it's good for all of them. My DH did a lot of the carer activity when ours were little because I earned more so it made sense for me to work. Ours are late teenage now and still love spending time with both of us.

Is there anyone that could babysit for a couple of hours while you go out together, even if it's just for a walk?

Are you still in contact with your health visitor? They might be able to suggest something to help with the tantrums/whinging.

I know it's easy for me to say but you will get through this stage and it will become easier.

Being a "proper mum" doesn't mean being the primary care giver. I was back at work within 3 months of each of mine being born, my DH has always been their main carer. I am absolutely a "proper mum".

How much time have you given the medications? It can take up to 8 weeks to kick in, and like the contraceptive pill it can take a while to find one that works for you. Also, stop skipping out early on your CBT. Therapy is hard work, you have to really put the effort in to see improvements.

Also, make time for your husband. Hire a babysitter and go out to dinner once a month. It is vital to preserve your relationship!

Aw we all have times where we feel overwhelmed and you have a history of anxiety etc which I do too so it makes things more stressful & it’s harder to see light at the end of the tunnel.

Can you speak to your health visitor? Sometimes they have support workers work with them who can help with wee ones with difficult behaviour and often your local council might have a parenting team (mjne does) and they are very good, helpful and for me, non judgmental. We did triple p but you can do it online or Solihull is another parenting method but areas tend to use different tools but outcomes tend to be the same. I was referrred as my youngest was having big issues at home (I was a bit upset and felt terrible he’s youngest of 4) but it was so helpful and I really got a lot from it, all very positive and learned a lot about myself as a parent and I’ve been a mum 19 years so it’s not always easy to take but I found it helpful. Maybe they could offer some support. It takes a village after all...(I have no family close so it’s just me really)

Take care of you too, take time for yourself
And let your husband do the same and both be consistent and mindful of what you say in earshot of your kids. It’s very difficult when you’re feeling the way you do so speak to your gp and find support but really just take care of you.

OP it sounds really tough at the moment. I was also broken from no sleep at that stage but it does get better. Promise!

Please don't beat yourself up about not being a 'proper mum'. I struggle with exhaustion and lack of sleep and I also suffered with terrible anxiety when my kids were little. DH is semi-retired so is to some extent the main carer. School runs, supermarket shop, dishwasher etc. I was back at work when they were 6 months and have spent a lot of the lockdown on my laptop ignoring them out of necessity. But I am the one they want cuddles from them, who they want to read at night, who makes sure they eat vegetables who organises the birthday presents and the days out. Parenting is a joint thing. You are both proper parents! Not long ago new mums had parents nearby, billions of neighbours with kids a few metres away and kids could play out on the roads.

Give yourself a break, you are doing an amazing job

Thank you everyone, your kind words mean a lot. I don't think it helps that I really hate the heat, so I see all these families enjoying time at the beach and we're all stuck inside being very grumpy.

Huhokthen I do need to work harder on my CBT you're right. Unfortunately it's not me skipping out early on the sessions, I'd gladly talk longer but my practitioner ends it. I do need to do some more "homework" though.

I will try and contact my HV again but I have little faith in them getting back to me. My eldest never even had the 2 year check.

Do you you mean on social media? I would limit your exposure to social media while you are feeling this way.

A beach day with toddlers in a heatwave is my idea of hell. With my older kids we go sometimes, but in the evening when it is quieter.

@Bassettgirl

Do you you mean on social media? I would limit your exposure to social media while you are feeling this way.

A beach day with toddlers in a heatwave is my idea of hell. With my older kids we go sometimes, but in the evening when it is quieter.

Yeah social media and also people I know in real life. What I thought my life with kids would be like pre kids is entirely different to what it actually is like. I actually thought I'd feel happy and complete and content. But it's just worrying, stressful and exhausting!

The upside is I will have them both in pre school from September. I'm not entirely sure the youngest is ready but it's only for 6 hours a week and to be honest it might do him some good.