Does anyone ever feel completely overwhelmed?! 😢

[christmasmammy]

Hi mums,
I’m just looking for advice really on how to deal with feeling completely overwhelmed and ‘lost’.

I am a mother to a 5 year old son, who has ASD. Some days can be really tricky And the smallest thing can lead to a huge meltdown ! On top of this I also work full time as a teacher, and do all the housework, laundry, cooking etc. My partner also works full time but goes to the gym 4x a week and sometimes goes out into town with friends. Because he’s at the gym I can’t even take the dog for a walk on a night as it’s 10pm when he gets in, and I have all the cooking etc to do.
I just feel like my entire life is spent looking after everyone else, and I don’t have anything for myself. I cook, clean, iron and work and that’s all I ever do 😢 sometimes I feel like more of a maid than a mother and wife, and I can never seem to stay 100% on top of the housework which really upsets me.
Today I came downstairs to a load of dishes left for me to clean and I just lost it and started sobbing. I have talked to my husband before about the housework but his stance is that the mess doesn’t bother him so he will just leave it. And because he has a manual job he doesn’t want to do any thing on days off etc. Even the days he’s off and I’m at work, he goes to the gym and I come home and start cooking and cleaning as he says that it’s his day off. I absolutely adore both him and my son, and he is an amazing father and husband, but I feel like while everyone has their own life I’m just their to look after them all.
How do people cope with keeping their own life and doing all of this 😢

He really needs to start doing more around the house! You must feel absolutely drained.. talk to him and list him out what he needs to do and if he won’t do it I really would think about leaving him!

Hi OP 👋🏻. Mum of a 4.5 year old with ASD here. I get it, I feel the same except my DH is helpful!

Said so frequently on here, but you have a DH problem. You need equal downtime. You're getting none and he's getting loads. Has he any idea how difficult it is to essentially be a carer to a small child with ASD and rub a house? I suspect not because it sounds like you do everything for him.

He is amazing with our son and on a Saturday we take our son out for the day somewhere together which is lovely. But I always have to plan and pack food for it. He is so patient and understanding with DS.
It’s more the feeling of just having nothing for myself, and just myself. DH can escape to the gym but I have nothing. I have to work a lot of hours at home and try to do this while he is out and I think he sees this as ‘my time’ but I’m still
working.

I found many teachers struggled with parenting a NT child and full time teaching and dropped to part time . (Not saying you should, but awareness it IS hard.)

I have an autistic daughter and have stopped mainstream teaching as I couldnt handle the mental load of teaching AND life and a child and was heading for a breakdown myself. I do very part time now :(

So many teachers leave schools locally for "a better work/life balance."

I am actually in awe that youve been managing this. Something has to give. If you want to teach full time you will absolutely have to have support at home (pay for cleaner/meal packages like hello fresh) to do this. Pay local childminder to have your child etc. If husband wont step up you will have to outsourcw.

Just realised I’ve put the wrong there in my post 🙈

Thank you! I think I’ll look into hello fresh 😊

He's not an amazing father and husband if he's leaving every thing to you is he? He's not doing his share. You need to have a long discussion with him about making things more equal and getting some time to yourself.

You poor thing. I'm a teacher and I'm dropping down to part time after my maternity leave as there's no way I could maintain any kind of sanity working 5 days plus every evening and weekend on top of being a mum. Being a teacher is full on as is being a mum (I imagine even more so with a child with ASD)

Do you have the option of working part time? Do you have shared finances? Even dropping one day might give you that bit of 'me time' you need. If that's not possible then, like others have said, your partner needs to step up and/or you need to be getting some help.

Your partner's job may be manual but if he has the energy to hit the gym four times a week he has the energy to do the dishes and run the hoover around. That's a terrible cop out.

I think you need to be blunt with him and give him options. No option to just leave the dishes and carry on. "I'm not coping. Are you going to do your fair share of the housework or are we getting a cleaner? Am I going to drop a day at work or are you going to take charge of DS two nights a week so I can get as much free time as you?"

Being an amazing dad isn't just coming along for the ride on a weekend trip out. That's the fun bit! An amazing dad doesn't watch his child's mother work herself to the bone whilst he gets time to himself every day. He's living as a single man whilst letting you take on all the responsibilities of parenting. It's not easy to change somebody but I think you just need to start looking out for yourself and if he is unwilling to make changes to improve your life and mental health then you need to be making those changes for yourself.

Well he is NOT an amazing husband and father. If he can’t pull his weight at home and is therefore a poor role model for his son then he is not even a mediocre husband or father.

I agree about outsourcing, and i'm a sahm.

I would never normally need to outsource my cleaning, but just before lockdown I made arrangements to do just that. As I said my 4 year old child has ASD and is challenging. I also have a 2 year old who at the time barely slept and a large house (not bragging but for context, a smaller one would have been much easier).

I simply could not keep on top of all of the hospital appointments (for DD, some ASD related some other issues), cooking, ironing, entertaining toddler, submitting a parent led EHCP (mountains and mountains of paperwork, phone calls, emails etc), washing , caring for elder DD and her many meltdowns, negotiating with the primary school and having constant meetings to get them even to accept her etc etc etc on my own as well as cleaning the house. I kept it tidy, hoovered daily, cleaned kitchen daily etc but in the end I told DH that I was getting a cleaner to come in for two hours once a week to give it a really thorough clean. I was sick of trying my best and things still looking grubby.

Plus I was finding that when things needed a good scrub - things like giving the shower a scrub round the limescaly bits need quite harsh chemicals and every time I tried I'd have children trying to get involved, frankly dangerous.

So, just before lockdown I booked the cleaner then bloody COVID put paid to it! However now DH works from home and will do for the foreseeable future so I have a lot more hands on help. He's lost 3 hours a day commuting time. He does lots of what I couldn't and if he can't then he is with the children while I do it. And DD will be starting school (hopefully!) full time from September giving me lots more time.

Ah, the cleaner that never was!

Do it OP. DH was given two choices here, he either gave up some hobby time (no chance!) to help me out or we got a cleaner. He chose wisely. But the small disagreement we had about it initially drove a deeper conversation about me having no time and he came to the realisation that I needed some downtime too. I challenge anyone to spend a day in my shoes and say I 'don't work' just because I'm not in paid employment. He seemed to be of the view initially that because I was at home 'not working' that I must be having a jolly old time. He was firmly put right on that score!

It is hard parenting a child with ASD. How you do it and work full time too I don't know. Hats off to you.

Sorry he's not a partner if you're doing all that.

He gets to the gym 4 nights a week. Where's your equivalent

Serious talk needed about equal share.

Saturday together isn't enough. Especially if you have to prep everything

You need equal leisure time. If he goes to the gym for 6 hours a week, or whatever it is, you get 6 hours a week to do the stuff you want to do. Draw up a rota and put it on Excel if you have to. How you're living isn't fair on you and is a bad example for your son

I wish I asked for part time.. lo was up at 3am.. what if I had school.. :/

Hang on.... so you both work full time, but you have to do all the housework, childcare and dog care.... and he gets to have “days off” on the weekend and gym trips. How exactly has he reached the conclusion this is fair? Where is your time off.

I’d be tempted to add up all the hours you do around the house plus your work hours and present it to him so he can see how his 40 hour week pales in comparison.

This article is interesting and that’s without having a teaching job on top!

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/mother-equivalent-2-jobs-full-time-childcare-98-hours-work-mum-survey-a8258676.html%3famp

I agree with pp; how can he be a good father and partner if he’s not doing his share of childcare and housework? He needs to pull his finger out

Your husband is a massive, massive, selfish bellend is the problem.

I’m so angry on your behalf!

He’d be out on his ear I’m afraid, in my house.

He's far from amazing! No decent husband would behave like that

This is completely unfair. You need to say enough is enough. You need to both have equal amounts of leisure time and decide each week what you both want to do. Be firm on this.