I hate maternity leave and have given up on making friends.

[Willowygirl]

As the title says, my baby is 7 weeks old, we spent the first week in hospital after a traumatic birth trapped in a room with no visitors allowed and now I still feel trapped but in the house. I hate where we live, I don’t know anybody and didn’t get the chance to meet anyone locally before lockdown. My Nct was all online and there are still no baby groups running. I miss my home city which I can’t really go home too yet and I miss my friends. We do try and go out but I’m so fed up of walking round our housing estate and the woods plus we never see anyone and if we do you have to avoid them anyway.
I can’t see how this will get better and am really dreading the winter months. I honestly cannot wait to go back to work just so I’m not bored. I have tried meeting other mums, joined apps and local groups but any suggestion I make of meeting up is overlooked or ignored. Even the evening activities I would normally do are not running like a dance class. I know this sounds like a pity post and it is. I just absolutely cannot bear another day in the house with no future plans. Please tell me I’m not going to spend my maternity leave wishing I was at work and being envious of all the other mums who seem to have a friendship group. I have never had a problem making friends and I really miss my friends and family back home. It’s just not possible to move back home😟

Do you have a group WhatsApp from your online NCT?

We’ve started park meet-ups from ours, and there are hundreds of messages a day. It’s good to know we’re going through similar things even if we couldn’t meet in person for the first weeks.

It’s funny times,and obviously covid has really limited opportunities for external activities & meet ups
Is your child care sorted?
You don’t need to make mum friends or have a connection with others just because you all have babies. It’s a big ol myth sold to women that you're only truly fulfilled being mummy with all the other mummies
Try meet some mums who are returning to work, you’ll have that in common
You’ll find your rhythm with the baby, just settle to a routine that works for you.
I didn’t like mat leave,found it crushingly dull,the majority in my baby group had given up work and were scarily evangelical about being a housewife.
Only people,I’m in contact with from baby group are the mums who returned to work. Got really bored with the eye rolling, and such a shame you had to go back from the sahm

Hi OP,

I could have written your post when my son was the same age- we moved to a different country when he was 7 weeks old and I felt so lonely and missed everything about my old life, as well as just feeling utterly exhausted and discombobulated as a new mum. . All I can say is that it all got a lot better with time. You are not alone and I’m sure many other mums near you feel very similar.. the previous post suggesting WhatsApp contact and park meet-ups with nct mums could help.. and regular video calls with your friends back home may help to ease some of your isolation.

How long are you having off? You don’t have to take a long maternity leave you know. I find small babies pretty dull to be honest so went back to work at 4 months with my first and 5 months with my second. Worked for us!

Im 5 months in to a 6 month mat leave. Ive hated it, its been incredibly dull. Im CANNOT wait to go back to work. I think its a myth that once you have a baby you'll be on cloud 9 everyday and love hanging around with your newborn. My son is very nearly 5 months old now, and is only just becomming interesting.

Hi OP
Sorry you are struggling. I didn't make any 'mum' friends for ages. I went back to work quickly (living abroad, little mat leave which suited me as I'm not a baby person).

I also had some time as a stay at home mum and this didn't suit me either; I love my children hugely but I need to work and the structure of it suits me better. I now work term time only which is a god balance.

Also, it was only when my DD got to school that I made my real local friends. There are seven of us (some with husbands too) and they've become great friends. I hated baby groups as I could never transfer them to being real friends (even though one has become a good friend since!).
I'm sorry, I don't have any advice just to keep trying, you will find / meet people. Really good friends take time to make.

Yes there is the mummy myth,you suddenly see career as an empty avaricious pursuit...and realise it’s all about the bubba and Forgo career and external pursuits to be mummy

Bullshit

Where abouts do you live?

Looking back I think I had post natal depression with my first; work saved me by going back when DD was 4 months.

Preferring to have days at work and be a parent does NOT mean you love your child any less. DD (now 13) is a wonderful, well rounded person so whatever you do don't feel guilty for your thoughts. No one warns you that parenting is full of guilt!

Parenting is only full of guilt if you chose it to be,if you become martyred

@SentientAndCognisant absolutely, a point well made.. To be fair, it took me time to learn this though!

Last time I joined mum & baby yoga, swimming, mum groups, libraries etc. Most people were nice and friendly for chatting to. Some activities were painful uncomfortable and talking to people was difficult. I didn't make any lasting friendships and found it lonely too

I had pretty much the same experience and this was during a normal period - covid makes it so much harder. My older kids are at school and I still wouldn't say I have mum friends - but i do have more friendly mum acquaintances. I don't mind about it now though. Young babies are hard work and it must be so lonely at the moment, I would definitely have wanted to go back to work too (and did cut my maternity leave a bit short), I think what you are feeling is very normal / common.

It is a pretty shitty time to become a new parent! With my ds, we get in the car and go to different towns and cities close by for a walk to mix the scenery up. We have set outside to go to cafes to break the day up. Lockdown drove me loopy with monotony so finding little things to do each day now restrictions have eased slightly has really helped. Admittedly, our NCT group is quite active although we don't meet up as much as I envisaged. Where abouts in the country are you OP? There may be mums on here who would love to meet up!

Coronavirus is not an easy time, and especially not for you op at a time when lots of support and new friends are vital to wellbeing. It would better to acknowledge that this is the situation rather a failure on your part to pull off meet ups etc. It is simply not something that is going to happen for a while given all of the problems attached to meeting new people at the moment, and I felt lonely at times with my first baby too even with friends and the groups. Once your baby learns to talk it does get easier.

You said you can not move back, but it might be time now to spend more time in your home city catching up with friends and family, are you able to go for a few days/a week? I would also consider asking different friends to stay with you too op. Your parents, old friends etc could now come safely.

I would also start doing some things you enjoy alone, exercise, days out, shopping - taking care of yourself. You may not be able to make tons of new friends with babies right now, but there is nothing stopping you meeting new people in other places. I would plan every day to have some time with the baby, some time off for you and make sure weekends are fun when you are together.

Do you drive OP?

If you let us know whereabouts in the country you are some of us might be local enough for meet ups?

Thank you so much for all your lovely replies. I am feeling much better today but have taken some of suggestions on board and messaged my Nct group and hopefully we will meet up in a couple of weeks. I’m in Cambridgeshire and would love to meet people in the area and the city. I think maybe I’m being too impatient and expect the same friendships I have back home that took several years to get as solid as we are now.
I will also look at inviting my friends to stay and maybe planning a night away somewhere in the middle.

You survive maternity leave? I'm on my second maternity leave and it's just as crap without the anxiety of a first time mom. I realised I just don't like babies and can't wait till this one grows up. I've a 3 year old and so much more fun! No naps to worry about, she eats like a normal person, at a table, she uses a toilet, she talks and does fun stuff! This maternity leave is going faster I think. 10 weeks in. I now know 100% I won't be doing it again and it's nice to be certain your done having kids aswell.

Hi OP,

Yes it’s brutal having a baby at the moment. My DD is 11 months now so her whole life has been in lockdowns pretty much.

Haven’t made any mum friends myself and looking forward to getting back to work next month. Parenting is hard but covid has added an extra layer of boredom and isolation and sometimes it feels like there’s no end in sight.

Hope things open up soon and you get to make some friends and enjoy the rest of your maternity leave. I find making plans for the future keeps me sane. Even booking a refundable weekend away somewhere gives something to look forward to. Sorry my post is so negative! I’m just telling myself that things won’t be like this forever and we will have weekends away, nights out and fun days out with our los soon to keep myself going.

I think you need to be really patient with yourself. When my two were 7 weeks old, we were barely even managing to leave the house yet. This was years before COVID. The early weeks are really hard, and I found mat leave incredibly boring - even with NCT and classes and the library open, etc. But your baby is still really little and you are still adjusting and probably exhausted. So be patient with yourself. I really made an effort to get out the middle part of the day every day. Even if it was to go to a different park for a walk around or now to get a take away coffee and sit on the beach or something. Just the act of leaving the house when there was nothing else to do really broke up the day and helped.

OP's baby will now be about 10 months old 🙂 though I hope you did manage to find some company through the winter x

Feel the same as you. You're not alone! Baby is 7w. New city. No friends. I have 2 other children to keep me busy but I feel like with the pandemic making connections with other people let alone making a friendship feels impossible. Everything for children is pretty much fully booked if reopening, or I can't manage to take 3 children alone or it would cost a fortune for all of us to go. No normal toddler groups are open yet.. and even when they are I'm going to be scared to go as I'm pretty sure I can't handle 3 of them at once in public and I don't want to look like I can't manage. Probably wouldn't be able to make friends anyway as would constantly be needing to sort one or other of them out. At least you can go back to work if you want.. my mat leave will end then I'll be at home anyway but the ongoing pandemic means it's not quite what I had in mind!

That's hard. I haven't moved city and my family are near by but I don't have many friends as most of my old friends kinda abandoned me once I had my first kid as it's not their kind of lifestyle. I spend most my days walking around going to get take away coffee on my own. I meet my mam maybe once or twice a week though. My older kid is in creche so at least she is kept busy.

I hated maternity leave too. It was pre-covid and there were plenty of baby groups, but I didn't find them to be the source of lifelong friends they're reputed to be. I muddled through but the one thing that cheered me up was going back to work. It was like someone had put the lights back on! I was on leave for 9 months but wish I'd gone back after 6 (I was worried I'd be judged for going back 'early'). Being at home alone with an infant is tough. I found Box sets saved my sanity. I honestly don't know how I'd have coped without Mad Men!