Expecting DC2 and need hand-holding

[mamadoit]

I need non-judgmental advice on how to survive this stage in my life. DC1 is 2.5 right now, has always been a demanding baby and toddler but is now worse than ever. The levels of stress I experience just trying to get her dressed in the morning are definitely unhealthy. I end up losing my temper soooo much more than I would have even recently considered acceptable.

DC2 is coming very soon. It has been an awful summer, trying unsuccessfully to manage DC1’s behaviour while knowing things are about to get infinitely harder with a newborn in tow. I have always wanted children, both were planned, and I know how lucky I am, but I feel absolutely empty and like I have nothing to give either of them right now. Recently have begun to feel very distant from DC1, even when she hugs me. DH gets cross when I lose it with DC1, which confirms my own feelings of inadequacy.

Please tell me it will be alright one day.

When you discussed having another baby wit your husband what were the reasons? Your first child is still young. Do you have a support network? Do you work OP?

Mostly to give DC1 a sibling - we both grew up with siblings and we’d hate her to be deprived of one. Both our families live far away, so no support network, plus now with Covid I don’t think anyone would even come into our house, so am preparing for many lonely days!

I do work, but am of course going on maternity leave.

I know it sounds cliche but it's just a phase, I found the terrible twos exhausting with one of mine but you do get through it and my youngest breezed through those years and it was such a different story.

I know it's hard but try to get out as much as possible so you're not constantly dealing with tantrums or destructive behaviour.
Go somewhere she can run around let off steam and if you feel the way you say - empty with nothing to give fake it for her sake until you can get some support.

Your dr and health visitor are there for this, you may have depression which needs to be addressed before baby arrives but you will get through it and be open with your dh about you're feelings.

Is there any way you can stretch to giving DC1 some time in nursery while you are on mat leave? Two or three half days a week would make a huge difference to you all I think.

Also - get to bed as early as you can, and have regular snacks. Tiredness and hunger are such killers of patience and given you are heavily pregnant, you are probably permanently tired and hungry.

Can DH take over for the “flashpoints” eg getting DD dressed? I tend to lose it around bathtime and life is so much better at the moment as DH is wfh and mostly does bathtime.

Id put your eldest in nursery to give you some time with the baby tbh.

I'm in the same boat - let's say tempers have been well and truly frayed recently. I did wonder what I was doing when DD woke up for the third time last night. It's hot, it's a hard age and there's limited options to entertain them - let's cut ourselves some slack!

My DH is taking over as much as he can round work, we're getting out before it's too hot in the mornings and I'm treating myself to an ice cream every day!

Nobody will judge you, it’s really brave of you to reach out on here.

I have one approaching two but I have the exact same fears about having a second baby and also don’t have family around.

Speak to your gp or health visitor if your low feelings continue and make sure they know how you’re feeling going into this next phase so they can be there to support you.

I would say don’t beat yourself up, your daughter won’t remember these days and just focus on the bigger picture. This time next year you’ll have got through the hard part of no sleep and you’ll have two children who will be able to start to entertain each other. It’s going to be hard but that’s the same for everyone with children. Just go easy on yourself and yes focus on the future if you’re finding the current times hard.

You'll get through it, the twos and threes are a really difficult time, but you'll manage. I found that making games out of things helped enormously - things like 'wouldn't it be funny if I turned around and you had already put York to shirt on?' (takes sip of tea, breathes,..) Then pretend to be amazed. My two loved games like that and used to like racing to do things (when they were tired and grumpy and wanted carrying while walking, I'd say things like 'who can get to that post box first' that kind of thing, just jollying them along). We did this thing with them that made them laugh which was eg 'if you were to eat all that broccoli on your plate we'd fall off our chairs' and my husband I would actually do it 😂 (not in a restaurant, mind). It just made it all fun and gave us a break as they were cheerful and actually doing stuff we wanted them to. I have to say though it doesn't work when they're preteens and you want them to load the dishwasher...

I can recommend the Philippa Perry book ‘the book you wish your parents had read’ I went through a bit of a shouty phase too. It was horrible. And the more I shouted the more he shouted. And then sometimes it frightened the baby and she cried and that made me feel like the worst mum ever. Things are a lot easier now. It’s not easy and it takes work and really looking at yourself and your triggers. But so worth it.

Many DC really act up when baby is due because they know something is going on and change is scary for them. I wouldn't talk about the baby etc don't let it be what everyone talks to you and her about.

Thank you for the kind words, everyone. DC1 does go to nursery 3 days a week, otherwise I’d definitely be in for trouble!

I have considered going to GP with the way I feel, but what she will do is send me on a mental health course, which I probably won’t be able to attend because of childcare commitments! Am already on anti-depressants, so no respite there.

Have ordered the book

Oh great! I’ve actually read it twice because I was slipping into old habits again. It’s very gentle tho, no guilt. Just figuring out how to do things differently.