Have another baby or not - with a stepchild twist

[NewMum293]

Sorry, I know there are loads of these threads but my situation is slightly different and would be interested in thoughts!

I have a 15 month old daughter and 6 year old stepson who we have stay with us every other weekend and longer in the holidays.

My husband and I have just started considering whether to have another baby and I’m very torn.

A big part of having another child for me would be for my daughter to benefit from that sibling relationship but she already gets on so well with her brother - it’s just that he lives elsewhere most of the time - so it’s not as clear cut as if she was an only child.

She was a relatively easy baby other than spitting up constantly for the first six months - a good sleeper from quite early on - but I still found the early days (the first six months) really quite hard so am a bit nervous about doing that again, though it’s so short in the grand scheme of things. Am also worried about getting a difficult baby and it being a short sharp shock!

I also get on so well with my daughter and worry that another baby would impact that bond.

My husband and I are both employed and I am the higher earner. My dream is to start my own business but I worry that more children means more financial responsibility on my shoulders which means that doing so would be too big a risk to take.

My husband is very hands on and a brilliant dad but adjusting to having our daughter did put a lot of pressure on our relationship and exacerbate some previous issues, and we have just finished a series of Relate sessions (which really helped and we’re in a really positive place now but conscious of putting more pressure on our marriage too).

But I do feel like now we’ve had my daughter, we’d be better equipped this time around and I would be much more relaxed about things that stressed me out this time around (naps!!), and that having another child around the house full time would be lovely.

We’re not in any particular rush to decide but would be interested in any opinions! x

Anyone? x

Hi there, @NewMum293. I can't say I'm any kind of baby or general decision-making wizard (my husband and I will probably be TTC our first in about a year and a half) but I really think if you're unsure then hold off for a little bit. Providing you're not in any medical crisis or there's no time crunch on having another baby, I think giving yourself a bit of time to think would be a beneficial decision. Even if you took 6mo to think about your options (e.g. on the daily having a quick think of; "would I be able to manage taking two babies to the shop", or "would I cope with feeding a newborn and potty training"), plus additionally would lower the risk of difficulties / inconveniences giving birth during the epidemic. I think only you and your partner can really decide what the right choice is- if I'm honest from what you've said I think you do want another baby, you're just worried that it will change things. All I can say is, if you have the financial, physical and emotional means as well as the desire to have another child then nothing should stop you. But I'd suggest not focusing too hard on the "sibling" aspect (particularly if your DD has a good relationship with your stepson), as your desire to only have another baby for her benefit could drive a wedge between them. As for the starting a business thing, I don't see it as a much more significant risk (if you've had one baby you've already taken the biggest risk IMO). If your husband is working full time then even if your career prospects went out the window for whatever reason, you hopefully wouldn't be in a total financial crisis. Plus, have a cheeky look on Gumtree or Freecycle for baby stuff if you decide to have another baby and you need more! Hope this helps, sorry for the long message but seemed like you needed some support . Best of luck! xx

I purposefully waited to have a 3 year age gap as i wanted my DD to have a bit more independence before also having a new baby to look after. I also have a step child and although I hope my DD will be close to DSD I also wanted my DD to have the experience of growing up full time with a sibling as unfortunately she doesn’t have that with DSD.

Thank you both for your replies. I think a bit more time to consider (and let my DD get a little older) is sensible.

If my daughter was an genuine only child, I think I would definitely be leaning more towards having another but as it stands, our dynamic (including my stepson) is working well. But I don’t want to leave it too long if we do decide to have another and be starting all over again (not a fan of the newborn stage!)

But you’re right that it’s not a decision to rush either way - thank you x

Sorry, I changed my username so it’s seems to have confused the Mumsnet system but just to clarify, I am the OP!