Unplanned third baby and small age gap - please help!

[munchymoo]

We have a 4.5 year old DS1 and 10 month old DS2. Recently found out I’m pregnant, totally unplanned.

I don’t think I can go through with a termination. I have a massively supportive DH who gets up at night with the children but he works long hours, would be home after bedtime most evenings so I’d be on my own a lot. I’m a SAHM currently although do plan to return to work.

I’m feeling so shit and guilty for my 2 DS’s. I feel like I’m about to ruin their lives. We have such a happy little family with a great dynamic and each child has their own space within the family plus DH and I have time for each other.

I’m so scared that little DS2 will suffer as hell only be 18 months when baby arrives and will be pushed out of babyhood too soon. Baby will literally be hot on his heels. I’m so worried that older DS1 will be out on his own so to speak during his childhood as there will always be a much bigger gap (3.9 years) between him and the other 2 little ones who‘ll be much closer in age.

I basically just feel so guilty that I’m ruining their lives. People tell me that a sibling is a gift but I’m an only child and so it’s hard for me to feel it. I love being able to give one on one time to each and I hate the idea I won’t be able to do that.

Feeling so low. Please help xx

I had a 5.5 year old, 14 month old and a newborn.

All older teens and a moved out twenty something adult. It was fine the oldest one got treated with older privileges to make them feel special.

During school the little two played together etc but then they both adored big sister.

They each have different sibling bonds which is more to do with personalities than age gaps.

@munchymoo no real help but share your issue (lo will be 15mo when the totally unplanned accidental new one arrives). I am scared beyond belief and do not even have a DH as supportive as you do.

All I can say is it'll be OK for your middle kid - they'll have a friend and a play buddy and honestly all babies need is a loving environment. As long as you can do that, you'll be fine. (at least I keep telling myself).

I have a (planned) 18 month gap between my 2 and was a bit apprehensive about how I’d be able to cope and was feeling guilty that ds1 wouldn’t get my full attention but it has actually been brilliant. They are 20 months and 3 now and get on brilliantly, I’d say on balance having his little brother has added much more to his life than it has taken away.

Take a bit of time to let the shock sink in and try not to worry. You will be ok.

Look, you do what you need to do and feel no guilt about it.

But just to let you know ...

I had a 3.5 year old and a much wanted 6 month old when I got pregnant with my third. It wasn't planned exactly - was thinking of a year or so later. There are 14 months between my second and third. It is the only pregnancy test I took where I looked at the positive and said "get me a drink"

Honestly, it did have an impact - on me as I was up for a promotion when I got pregnant and that didn't really help, on our finances - we were a family of 5 in a 2.5 bedroom tiny house. We had HUGE daycare costs. Through dh's physicality we managed to get three car seats into the back of our only car - a corolla - but it was some effort to get them in and out. Things have gotten a lot better since. We aren't any happier than the 2.5 bedroom/corolla days though.

those younger two reared themselves in some ways. Rarely had to play with them. They had each other. The older one also loved having them. They are young adults/teens now and we just spent a lovely day away at the beach with the three and they all get on so well. We live in a place where most people have 1 or 2 kids and I think ours love the slightly bigger group. Also the closer age meant their friends also got on really well.

I mean this sincerely - do what suits you best and what suits your family and feel no guilt- but don't think you are ruining their lives - my two girls are such close friends (mostly :)). They would say that each of them made the other's life.

wish you luck.

Thanks so much for this @pallisers. I must admit we are now considering the other option. It’s so hard.

One question I have - did you older one ever feel pushed out or more alone owing to the younger two being so close in age and thick as thieves?

Nope the eldest had lots of play dates with friends and enjoyed age appropriate "privileges" that the little ones didn't get.

If you always planned to have a 3rd child roll with it. If you were two and done then yes tough choices to be made.

There is no wrong or right answer

@muncymoo No, the eldest was absolutely fine. I will tell you that the middle one has had some issues with having a sister so close in age. it is a strange thing - on the one hand they were best friends all through school and are still very close and get on very well (god knows what the lockdown would have been if they didn't have each other) and on the other they are very intense and the older one sometimes feels, frankly, envious of her younger sib who has an easier way through life. It helped that they went to different high schools and different universities. They still each get on very well with the other's friends though. A lot of my middle child's issues though are just with her personality. If the eldest one was the middle one, he'd be completely unbothered by anything.

I always wanted a third. The timing wasn't perfect but I went with it. I didn't want any more after that - was hitting 40 and felt I had thrown the dice three times and lucked out didn't want to risk it again. Tbh I told dh if I got pregnant again I"d be giving him the news from planned parenthood.

As pp said, there is no right or wrong answer - just what you need to do for you and your family. I honestly wouldn't worry about the age gap though. My eldest gets on great with the younger two - even as kids the gap wasn't that big for holidays or activities and now they are older they all get on great. We spent the day at the beach yesterday with dh's younger sibling and spouse - there is a 15 year gap with dh and his sibling. They were a child when I started dating dh. We all socialise as adults now and love spending time with them. There is a lot to consider but I really wouldn't worry about the age gap. But it may be that your worries are giving you the reason you need to make a decision -that is fine too. good luck.