Parents of shy children

[doadeer]

My son is a year and a half. Naturally his personality is quite introverted, though he is smiley and laughs a lot, he doesn't like to interact with people. I'm the opposite of this, I'm very outgoing and social.

The lockdown has made it much worse as we have no family locally and he's just been 80% with me and then 20% with his dad. (In same house I mean but DH works long hours)

He actively moves away from people and wants to play by himself. Family are struggling to understand this and why he won't play with them but I can see it's just so overwhelming for him.

My question is for those of you with shy/ introverted children how did manage to be accepting of their personality (I don't want to push him or make him feel there's something wrong) with encouraging social skills.

Hopeful bump

I'd say give it time, he's still very young. Will he be going to nursery? That should do wonders for confidence.

He's smiley and laughs a lot

That's all you need to worry about. He's happy. You are obviously doing a good job. He's not used to being around people and that wasn't his preference in the first place. I would just try to not put him in overwhelming situations but just have company when it suits and let him engage when he wants to.

Do you know anyone locally with children? Or have friends of your own that may sit and play with his toys for an hour. So if they come for a cuppa with you then sit on the floor and play with his toys and see if he'll join in building towers or something. Alternatively, could you look for a childminder for a couple of mornings a week. Then he'll meet other little people.

I let it be. That’s who he is and if other adults don’t like it that’s their problem. I made him say hello and goodbye and please and thank you. I never forced him out of his comfort zone. When he went to school I set up lots of 1:1 play dates (he played mostly with girls). He’s nearly 9 now and while he’s still quite shy and not boisterous he’s got loads of friends. He’s who he is.

When we went on play dates I never forced him to play. I would facilitate. I exposed him to lots of new situations but always within what would be okay for him. Stretching his comfort zone very very slightly.
As I said he’s 9 and he did a two night sleepover with his school- if you told me that even when he was 3, I would have found that unbelievable.

My DS is now 10, during his early years he was 'shy' but I hate that word. I told him he was cautious and I told him he was a 'look before you leap' type of a boy. Being a little more reserved is a positive quality. We had frustrating experiences like the times I would take him to preschool football and he would sit by my side the whole session but I took him anyway.
When he started school he made friends with two boys, both were completely unruly and they all got into lots of trouble. I encouraged these friendships despite other parents telling me not to. Once my son saw these boys challenging rules and suffering fairly minor consequences he challenged his own self imposed rules and started to open up and join in.
He is still a little cautious but he is also brave, independent and ambitious.
Both those early friends also got additional help for their behaviour in time and are doing fine. I am pleased we didn't shun them like others did and actually we benefitted so much from those friendships.
You will find a way too, in the meantime you can defend him to friends and family. He is doing nothing wrong and can play alone if he wants to.

sorry to drip, I should have written this in my original post.

He was going to nursery from when he was one, he went for three months until lockdown and he absolutely hated it, I don't think he ever settled in, and he wouldn't want to be parted from one member of staff who he really liked, he did not try to play with any of the other children.

Ever since he has been 4 weeks old, I have gone to groups every single day and socialise a lot with other parents, we see other children his age at least three or four times a week, they always try to play with him, but he never wants to play with them he prefers to go off and play with the trees and leaves (woody area). He actively moves away from where the "action" is.

We are planning a childminder from when he is 2 rather than nursery.

Thank you for all of the advice, I'm reading everything everyone is writing

Just keep doing what you’re doing. He’s still only young and may find these things easier as he matures.
As he gets older, you’ll be able to se if he’s simply shy (as in he eventually warms up to people given time) or if there is an issue emerging e.g. social anxiety, Selective Mutism and/ or autism.

My 3 year old was like this until she was about 2.5. She is very outgoing now and mad to make friends.

DS - now five - was exactly the same, perfectly happy playing by himself or with favoured adults and actively avoiding other kids. We eventually realised that he had hyper-sensitive hearing which made their noise very difficult for them (that has now eased, which is normal as they grow up) and was selectively mute at pre-school, but fine everywhere else.

We told him that he just takes a bit of time to warm up, and that he likes to think about things before he jumps in - and having that understanding and knowing we were ok with it somehow made it ok for him (even though it was agonising to watch sometimes) to just be himself. Very, very gradually he started to interact more, and now he is a real chatterbox at school just like he is at home.

The mix of social anxiety (leading to the mutism in some situations) and too-sharp hearing have both been helped - on the advice of the health visitor - by persisting in contact with other children, whereas at one point I was seriously wondering whether he'd ever cope with school. This was hard, knowing I was deliberately putting him in situations that made him uncomfortable, but she said that if I didn't he wouldn't "get over" it...so I just had to grit my teeth and do it (and cry sometimes on the way home).

A childminder sounds like a good plan if there are only one or two other children there whilst your DS is there, he can then build up confidence with them (it might take ages, it did with my DS, but the day I first saw him playing with another little boy was magic!) and hopefully he'll gradually come out of his shell a little.

My son went to a childminder. After a rocky start he trusted her and no one else. No one. She took him to loads of things but he preferred to play by himself. She looked after one other boy and slowly he made friends with him. That was it.
He didn’t have ‘friends’ till he went to school. Even now he quite likes his own company. Lockdown has been much easier on him than others. He does have a much younger sibling. Whose personality is the very opposite. He went to nursery and walked in on day 1 and never looked back. DS1 would have hated nursery. He didn’t like other children encroaching on his space and he liked doing calm activities and so on.

It’s hard to imagine them when they are older. When we used to have dinner guests and he was around 3 I used to prep him before hand and he would still hide in my lap. He’s still not the life and soul of any party but as I said, he’s nearly nine, he’s hugely popular with his mates because he’s very easy going. DS2 meanwhile will high five complete strangers given half a chance.

I agree with the let him be suggestions and keep doing what you are doing. He is still very young and he may always maintain some introverted traits and he may not. Introverted doesn’t mean anti social or shy but he may need some down time away from other people. Also, maybe readjust expectations regarding playing with others. Developmentally most children don’t begin to play together until around 3 and even later is normal. Before that they usually side along play and even then it is fine if he isn’t doing that at 18 months.

My son was rather like this (except he didn’t go to nursery until 2 and adjusted well). He is now almost 4 and has begun to play with other kids in the last six months, although lockdown slowed this down. He will now chat to neighbours we meet in the street and my friends but is still hesitant if he feels overwhelmed by an adult. We have relatives who live further away who really wanted him to go to them and play when he was younger but it definitely overwhelmed him. I tried to readjust the expectations of the adults and failing that, ignore any issue they had with it. I felt like my son was rather like a cat that goes to the person making the least fuss rather than the person desperate for attention! I would let him go off to play and encourage others to let him interact a bit more on his terms. It helped when we had longer visits where he could get used to people (and the adults had relaxed!). He wouldn’t necessarily interact on the first day. As for accepting him, I am introverted but sociable - I need time on my own to recharge and really enjoy time with my friends, especially one to one - which made it easy to empathise with.

I felt like my son was rather like a cat that goes to the person making the least fuss rather than the person desperate for attention! I would let him go off to play and encourage others to let him interact a bit more on his terms

Word for word this is what i told my mum! But she's not really like this, she's a very busy person and he shied away from her.

My son gives lots of smiles to people and enjoys engaging with them at a distance but he doesn't want to interact directly with them.

I think I have quite a smiley face and all of the other little ones we hang out with always come over to me and want to play or read stories. This makes my son very jealous!

This could have been me writing about my son at that age! The only person he ever really wanted was me. He hated other adults making a huge fuss of him. He was very wary of older children and ignored anyone younger. He went to a childminder from 1yo as dh and I worked full time but was very quiet, not too interested in playing with others etc. I never really worried as I am quite quiet and so is DH so thought he probably just preferred a quieter place/people as that was what he was used to.

Anyway, fast forward to now. He is 3yo and the most sociable, confident little chap. Begs to go and see family (the very same family he used to scream in terror at if they so much as looked at him!). Approaches other children in parks/playgrounds and asks them to play. During lockdown he stood on our front doorstep and used to shout "Hi! Hello!" to passers by and try to engage them in conversation. He is a totally different child. I didn't do anything to encourage this - it must just be some kind of developmental / confidence thing. I'd see how your boy gets on and, you never know, he may go through a similar transformation over the next year!

Thank you messages has been very reassuring. I don't want it to seem that I'm implying there is anything wrong with him - it's fine to be introverted of course! I would say DH is, even though he's a great conversationalist and people would say he is outgoing ( he never feels it)

I just don't want him to be scared of people

Thanks again everyone 💐

My 3.5 year old is shy, it's more obviously as my 4.10 year old is very outgoing. They did a Christmas concert at nursery, there were only 3 other parents in the audience and she wouldn't look at anyone just held onto her keyworkers hand so tight. She is a much more nervous girl than her sister, she is scared of pretty much all animals and hates people talking to her unless she has instigated it. She always prefers to play on her own but is forced to socialise more than she would probably like by her sister who will talk to anyone and everyone. Just before lockdown was the first time she ever spoke about friends and actively playing with other children in nursery.

I just leave her to it really, I dont force her into situations I know she will be uncomfortable with but she spends a lot of time around other children both with and without her sister. I try not to mention her shyness when she can hear she isn't scared of people she just likes interactions to be on her own terms or led by her sister. I suspect this is just who she is as long as she is happy and it isnt holding her back too much then I'm happy to let her be.

There are two sorts of people. Extroverts and introverts. Both equally valid.

Introverts can be sociable, they can also be shy. Extroverts can be shy too sometimes, especially when they are overwhelmed.

Don't try and make your dc into something they're not.

Some people are very outgoing and social, some are happy on their own or with one or two others.

If he started nursery when he was just one, he wasn't quite at the stage where children start to co-operate and play together anyway.

He'll be fine. And tell your relatives to stop getting in his face and back off a bit. Let him come to them when he's ready.

I'd say give it time too. My DD used to be exactly like this and now at age 4 she is the life and soul of every party there is going and you'd never know she was ever an introvert. We didn't do anything special apart from just being supportive, gently encouraging her to join in and try stuff but also letting her know that if she didn't want to it's ok too