I am not an effective parent

[tryingtobebetterforfamily]

I need some help to be a better mum.

I have two children who are 8 and 4, and have come to the realisation I am not an effective parent.

I have turned into my parents and seem to shout/punish and give consequences instead of using boundaries.

I really want to change this and be a good mum.

I have read so many parenting books to try and not be my parents yet have found myself role modelling their ways and it's awful.

I hated being a child and resent my parents now and I really don't want my children to be that way.

How can I put in place changes that they will understand and accept?

I feel like I have no control over their behaviour and I do resort to giving consequences when what I want is for them to make the better choices.

Please do not berate me, I am here asking for simple steps to implement positive changes and improve things for all the family.

Oh bless you.
You've not given much info about their behaviour/your relationship so sorry if any of this is patronising or not relevant.
The key is your relationship with your children.
So if you've got into a negative cycle with your kids you first need to rebuild your bond with them.
You can do this by giving them compliments, cuddles and kisses all the time, lots of smiling at them, making sure you listen to them and have conversations with them, ask them questions about things you know they like to talk about (even if really boring to you!) laugh when they think they're being funny, tickle them, play with them etc.
Really celebrate them making good choices like acting sensibly when crossing a road/being friendly when they visited granny... Just try and notice good stuff they do and compliment them on it. It just makes them crave more of this positive attention.
If they do something you're not happy with, don't shout, instead you could just talk to them and ask them questions "why did you make the choice to do that?" "How do you think it makes __ feel?" "Why is doing that not a good idea?". You can prompt them to explain why it's not a good choice, helping them to reflect on their behaviour (which just shouting at them won't do). If they really have no idea why it was a poor choice, just explain why to them yourself and make sure you say "now that you know this is not a sensible choice, I expect you not to do it again".
Then ask "is there something you feel you should do to make this situation better?" If they've been mean they may suggest they say sorry for example. At which point you can say "well done that's a great idea, you made a poor choice earlier but now you're making a good choice". Really celebrate them making this better choice and trying to set things right. They may say they don't know what to do. That's fine, you can suggest something to help remedy the situation. Children need this explicitly taught. You could suggest things like: writing a sorry note, doing some helpful thing like tidying their room to help everyone feel better, not having their xbox or whatever for an hour "to help them remember not to make a poor choice".

If they make the same poor choice again, this is where you get a bit firmer. Make your voice a bit lower and turn your mouth down a bit. Change its volume a bit (either a touch louder or a touch quieter than is normal for you).
Say something along the lines of: "I'm very disappointed that you decided to/made a choice to. You knew this was a bad choice because __."
Then make your voice a bit lighter and say "I remember yesterday/earlier when you were so kind to your sister/played so nicely in the garden/helped me tidy up/something else they did well. I wish that lovely boy/girl was back"
This shows them that you care about them and know they are capable of behaving well.
Make your voice low and firm again and say something like "I think because you've made this choice we need to have the consequence of_, but I really hope in the future I'll see more of my lovely child who (name somethings they do well and kindly)".
I know this sounds really scripted but actually having a scripted/structured response to behaviour helps you to react proportionally rather than emotively. Your children will come to understand the boundaries and know what the consequences of making a poor choice are (ie an unhappy mum rather than lovely usual mum).
Also start each day afresh. Avoid phrases like "you always do this/that is just like you etc". Instead say the opposite "that is not like you, I know you are lovely". It shows you have faith in them and makes them want to live up to it.
Hope some if that helps.
Good luck.

Thank you so much, all that you have said is so helpful and I can start with it straight away.

I have fallen into a negative mode and I am not genuine when I give praise, more I'm robotic.

It's been a really tough time of late and I think I've just become almost numb and so focused on all the "bad stuff" they do that I've failed to notice all the really great things they do.

I really appreciate the time you took to post and give examples, it will allow me to change and be more positive and hopefully improve the household for us all.

This post is really helpful to me - I’ve found I’m the same at the moment @tryingtobebetterforfamily, and @Dontiknowit your advice
looks brilliant - I’ve copied it out!

It's so easy to just get into a negative cycle isn't it, we've all done it!
Btw wanting to make a change to improve your family life makes you an amazing mum, not an "ineffective" one. Your kids are very lucky to have you, I'm sure you'll find the joy in parenting again soon. Xx