‘High needs’ babies/toddlers

[Planetneptune]

Morning all
If any of you feel that your baby/toddler was/is high needs, what typical characteristics do they show?
I do think my DD is high needs but I’m not sure, here’s a few examples:

Cried and screamed hysterically every single car journey from birth to about 1 year (and still does if she’s not distracted - she 16 months now)

Did not have have established feeding patterns until I started weaning her and I broke it up to meal times but even now she will frequently refuse meals and want snacks instead

Sleep is just so unpredictable and I never know how each night will go

She has never had a nap schedule - ever! It’s very hard work to get her to nap and each day changes in terms of how I achieve this because one day a certain technique will work then the next she doesn’t like it

Hates mild transitions such as nappy changing and getting dressed

Has thrown tantrums since about 7 months old which started when toys were taken from her at baby groups - it became a joke where everyone would wait for DD to lose it!

Has always had really intense separation anxiety

Has always hated being in the pram - would not EVER sit in the pram without kicking and screaming

Needs a huge amount of physical contact (which I love, actually). She does need to be held a lot even as a toddler now she likes to be carried most places and cuddled. Could not be out down as a baby.

Did not manage to get her to fall asleep in a cot until she was around 1, until then we co slept because I just could not get her to sleep longer than 5 minutes without me

Would not ever be passed to someone else even if she knew them fairly well

I love her to bits and she’s full of character! A few people have mentioned the term High Needs and it kind of does make sense because she has always seemed quite difficult compared to my friends children and I used to think I was doing something to cause this fussiness but I think maybe it’s just her personality?

Mine was the same. Pram and car seat refuser. Kicked and screamed at nappy changes. Found transitions to different things hard. For the first 3 years he would have tantrums regularly throughout the day.

Everyone else’s babies seemed so much easier than mine.

I thought it was something I did too but my second is not like this at all.

@Mol1628 It can be difficult can’t it! The tantrums multiple times a day I can fully relate to. My DD currently has more per day than I can count - anything seems to set her off! I’m glad your second is a bit easier for you

Mine was/is the same. She’s now 2.5 and is still the same. My 3 month old is the opposite!! I think it’s just who they are as I’ve done nothing different. I also think looking back my 2 Year old had undiagnosed reflux hence the hating of being put down.

Also I made the mistake yesterday of going for a pub lunch with DD - it was an experience to put it politely

I don’t know what came over me thinking she’s actually sit in the high chair for longer than 5 minutes haha

My eldest cried all day every day for the first four months of his life. He had reflux though so that explained that away. He never napped for more than half an hour unless I held him. He wasn't too bad in the car, but we did do forward facing at a year. He was just a very grumpy baby and I really didn't enjoy the baby stage with him, I will be honest.

He is 7 now and being assessed for ASD and ADHD. Which has led to DH and I looking at his baby stage in a new light.

DD was a lot of work as a baby - didnyt sleep much or consistenly, breastfed all the time, didn't eat solids at all until she was 9 months, needed to be held a lot, easily upset etc. She's now a very polite, thoughtful and low-maintenence teenager, and I think the effort of the early years of parenting built a lot of trust between us.

DD1 was like this! The car journeys, lack of sleeping, buggy, everything. It was so difficult. She’s now seven but I remember thinking so clearly ‘what am I doing wrong?!’ Everyone else seemed to be managing so much better than me.

In retrospect, I think like WingingThis’s DD she had undiagnosed reflux and that was a huge part of our problems. I think it’s also partly character. She has always noticed everything (I think she is the brightest of my four children) and she finds it really hard to relax and go to sleep even now (although we now have to wake her at 8am so don’t worry, the sleepless nights do end.) She got a lot easier (weirdly) when she gained a younger sibling at 2.7, and easier again at 3/3.5 when she gained more independence. IMO some babies just don’t like being babies.

@gunpower
When you say ‘some babies just don’t like being babies’ I really get that. My DD always seems to be wanting to do things she can’t physically do yet and she does seem very bright (I know it’s early days) but her imitation and vocabulary are really coming on quickly!
The reflux is an interesting point - I may look in to that as she was always so unsettled so this could be the same for her.

I definitely think my DD was/is high needs. When she was about 6 months I was desperately googling ‘why is my baby like this?!’ and came across all the high needs stuff and it described her perfectly. She also had reflux so I think that contributed. Could never be put down, never used bouncers, play mats etc just because she wouldn’t ever just ‘be’. Only slept for 30 min naps, huge battles to get to sleep, hated the car and so on.

Not a brag here, because I think it’s had it’s downsides, but she’s always been ahead of her peers. Sat at 4 months, walked at 10 months, speaking short sentences clearly at 17 months etc. BUT I think this all has meant her brain struggles to switch off and she also really struggles to independently play. She is still like complete velcro but it has become much easier.

Expecting DC no. 2 and intrigued (terrified?) to see how their baby days pan out. I definitely think high needs is a real thing.

My one just turned 16 months and is a tiny bit better as he can walk. The typical characteristics of my son is:

He is demanding
Doesn't cry a lot unless hurt but constantly whinges all day long
Clingy
Challenging
Constantly feeds (bf)
Hates being in car seat, pram and high chair and kicks off as soon as he is about to be strapped in
Wants constant attention and to be held forward facing
Won't sit on laps
Very active but need to be in his eyesight all the time
Doesn't sleep well, constantly wakes up

You have described my daughter. She is 4 now and is still very hard work. She s actually having a tantrum now as I write, simply out of frustration because she couldn't make her point across.
Nursery find her so easy though. She seems to be very intense with those she is close to.
In our case it wasn't reflux but simply her character.

@OneKeyAtATime a lot of people mention how my DS is such a good boy (smiley & curious) but it's totally different when he is with me and DH. He is very intense. It's only if people spend a whole day with him understand how hard work and tiring he is.

DD2 was similar. I'm not sure the term 'high needs' is an official one, some babies are just harder work than others for various reasons. As with many other pp's mine did have reflux which obviously was a big contributing factor. She's 7 now though and a fantastic quirky character and very strong minded and the toddler years were 'fun' ..... not reflux related.

From a few weeks old my eldest would sometimes cry so hard when upset or tired that he stopped breathing and passed out. He continued to do this until he was about three... once his nursery even called an ambulance because he was passed out longer than usual. It’s a known thing in babies but it can be quite freaky to see.

He also cried at all sorts of things his little sister doesn’t. If I tried something like leaving him in a cot or bouncer while I have a shower he would scream so hysterically it was impossible, I could only put him down while he was asleep.

At baby massage classes the screaming would start for taking his clothes off and putting them on again. It was a surprise to me to find his little sister isn’t bothered by putting clothes on or off!

Some babies are definitely harder than others though I think they all have their challenges!!

You've just described my DD1, apart from losing it when others took toys away.

She was also very early to hit milestones. Walking at ten months but still wearing 3 to 6 months clothes. Speaking at 12 months and speaking in sentences by 18 months. Totally freaked the HV out at her 18 months check to the point where she passed all but one of the 3 and 4 year checks the poor woman tried on her.

Diagnosed with ASD at 12, had a pretty tough teenage and is now early twenties with a highly scientific degree under her belt.

It's been a rollercoaster and remembering the sleep deprivation still makes me shudder.

It took me until she was six to have a second baby, who was a very different child, slept beautifully from birth, including in the car and was very happy to be put down.

Not dissimilar really. DD had severe separation anxiety from 10 weeks. From 2 days old she was aware of wanting me over DH or nurses and would scream hysterically until I held and rocked her. She woke regularly as well as more and for longer than her peers, eats well but regularly demands snacks. She would scream in the car or when put down from a very young age to the point that the HV didn't believe it and I had to show her a demo! She was hard to burp and settle, very clear on what she wanted from very young age. She has been late with physical milestones but cognitively ahead. At 23 months I basically have a 3yr old in an 15 months old body and she is soo bossy! She is very verbal and knows exactly what she wants with little negotiation. She's a delight but exhausting to parent!

I'm sure my little girl - 5 months- is high needs!

• Hates the car with a passion- can genuinely scream for an entire journey, and not because she's hungry.
• Breastfeeds on demand (read A LOT) and is generally only comforted by the boob.
• does not take any other form of comfort, ie dummy.
• hates not having my undivided attention (tough when I have a toddler).
• Absolutely no chance of regular naps. She has been known to go 12 hours without a proper nap before, which lead to the most horrendous over tiredness.
• Sling or carried Over pram any day.

It's exhausting!

Thanks Newbiehere.

What I also found difficult was reading on mumsnet that 'at 6 weeks/3months/ 6 months etc it get a so much better'. We always clung to that and it never materialised!

I also read somewhere that high needs babies make laid back toddlers so you are sort of going through the terrible twos earlier than usual but then it's done.
Well that definitely didn't apply to us!

Do any of you have any magic solutions for the car? I had the journey from hell yesterday and I'm desperately looking for things I can do 🙈

@ginandgingers92 a mirror so she can see me has helped a little.

My DS1 was an awful baby - cried a lot, never slept, breastfed all the time, had reflux and horrible nappies, some caused by a cows milk allergy. He was quite sociable and smiley though and enjoyed people giving him attention. He was a clingy toddler, and rarely left my side at groups although he has grown in confidence. He is enthusiastic about school but had a hard time settling in initially. He has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers (at 5.5 years). His paediatrician thinks that some of his early years are indicative of his neurodiversity. Though I don’t think that all grouchy babies are explained by autism spectrum disorders.

I guess all kids are different but they all grow out of it.

I have a 3yo who still isn't toilet trained but still cries when having a nappy change - I've tried everything to calm him but he still gets distressed.

I'd be interested in how other mums change an uncooperative older toddler.

Mine cried less in an ERF seat that was nice and high up so he could see out of the window. Guess it depends on the car but our baby seat sat very low so he could only really see the door handle area.
Actually one of the first car sleeps he had was on the way back from the shop after having the seat fitted. He was 9 months old. First non crying car journey we ever had.

I think often those described as high needs babies have something going on - whether physical pain / discomfort from something like reflux or allergies, to sensory processing disorder.

I have twins with ASD and both have sensory processing issues but they are hyposensitive to most sensory input. Many of the things that people associate with high needs could definitely be down to being hypersensitive to at least some of the eight sensory systems.