Feeling like a rubbish mum

[RubbishMum2]

My DD is 2.5 and the last two months have been so challenging. I guess it is the famous terrible twos, but up to that point she had been a dream, even as a baby hardly ever cried so it's a bit of a shock.
Now she just never seems happy, whinges and cries a lot, and throws tantrums at the slightest thing. If we happen to be near during a tantrum she sometimes bites or hits (mostly me, not so much dad, and noone else thankfully!)
I feel so down. I feel like we had such a strong bond and now its gone. We used to play for hours, she cuddled me all the time, everything I did made her laugh. Now she is not interested and will often request dad and mostly just wants him now. So I let them play and busy myself with cooking/cleaning.
I thought I could wing parenting with love and common sense but now realise I probably need to read books, I have no clue, especially about discipline, and just feel like an unwanted rubbish mum.
I realise it's mostly my own insecurities but how do I make a 2.5 y old happy again?

Firstly, you can’t MAKE anyone happy.

Secondly, if as a mum, you are worried about your child’s short term happiness instead of what is in their long-term best interests, I suspect you are going to sleep walk into some discipline issues. I’m certainly not saying you have to be mean, but you need to have consistent boundaries for toddlers. If she bites during a tantrum, be firm: “no biting. Biting hurts mummy and makes mummy sad.” If it happens again, add a consequence “no biting. Biting hurts mummy. If you bite x will/won’t happen” (pick a consequence you are happy with a will follow through on). Don’t lose your cool, don’t shout. Calm and consistent.

Reinforce good behaviour. Explain how it is helpful to you and that it makes you happy. Praise needs to be specific “good girl” doesn’t tell which part of what she did is good. “Thank you x, sitting nicely at the table helps mummy. If I don’t have to clean up food after dinner, I have more time to play with you!” If there’s something you want to encourage, be specific about exactly what you want to see, and exactly what the reward is - “if you put your shoes/coat on with no crying, we will have time to stop at the swings on the way home”.

Give notice before a change of activity to avoid difficult transitions. “In two minutes, we are going to tidy up the play dough, and then we will have lunch”...”one minute till tidy time!”.... “right, now we are going to tidy the play dough and have lunch”. Every time a transition goes smoothly, that needs to be rewarded with a little bit of attention “thank you for doing what I asked so quickly, that’s very helpful”

Use directed choices when possible “it’s time to get dressed. Would you like your green top, or your blue one” rather than always choosing for them, or asking “what would you like to wear”.

I’m not guaranteeing any of this will get you through the terrible twos with perfect ease. But they were all helpful tricks to me! My DD is much much easier now she’s approaching 4. We do still have the odd irrational eruption, but only really when she’s hungry or tired.

I haven’t got much advice but I’m still going through this sort of thing with DD who has just turned 3, but it is a lot better. It started about 2.5 and I can see improvements which makes me hopeful for the next few months.

I think they have a lot going on developmentally, and it’s a funny time with everything going on at the moment too.

I’d think about this being temporary and just concentrate on making sure you are ok. I just tried to stay calm, I did shout a bit here and there, I took any break that was offered. If DD wanted her dad over me I’d let her, it will come back round.

If you are concerned that you aren’t making her happy, you probably are more than you know. I don’t take a lot of photos generally so sometimes think when did we last do something fun etc. But maybe take a photo if she’s giggling and you have your phone handy, or if you think back on the day make a note of something you did for her (anything at all big or small). You will probably realise you are doing a lot more than you give yourself credit for

Thank you so much both!
@crazychemist this is very helpful. i try to implement most of this already but didn't think to be more specific with the praising, i will start this today.
@PapercraftNinja thank you it helps to know I am not alone and it gets better. It sounds very similar, I do shout occasionnally too although I try not to! There is definitely a lot going on developmentally, her speech is coming on leaps and bounds, she's just learnt to sing, do puzzles, plus a lot of social skills from starting nursery again. Hopefully it will pass!
I am guilty of only remembering hard times and my own failings, but really we also have a lot of fun, I do find myself scrolling through photos to try and remind myself and keep myself positive!