Does sex disappointment go away?

[onesteptwosteps]

Posting for a friend. She's just found out she's expecting a second boy. She's only planning to have two kids and really hoped for one of each. She doesn't want to feel disappointed but she does. She knows she's very lucky to be pregnant and she loves her son but can't help how she's feeling. Similarly she knows the boys may be completely different and it's down to personality etc - still she feels sad.

Any experience of this and will it go away when the baby is born? Or will she always feel a pang of regret?

TIA

No it goes. It's not logical really.. Its hormonal and emotional and lots of feelings about our own childhoods and other stuff that lead to this feeling. But our families become ours and the imagined child is soon forgotten when our own real babies arrive. At least it did with my darling baby boy, who is my one and only and is now a big boy of 9!

It goes and then you can’t imagine your family any other way.

I have a friend who felt very similarly. Her ds's are now 10&8 she still hankers after the 'what if' occasionally, and her wish for a daughter hasn't really vanished entirely. She did discuss having a third but of course you don't know what that would be and they never really wanted 3 children. When they were very small she used to have a little cry afterwards if any of her circle announced the birth of a girl (though she never put that onto them). Now however she can honestly say she isn't that fussed, and the 'what might have been' feelings no longer fall into the intrusive thoughts level of preoccupation. It came up in conversation fairly regularly with me cos my two are same ages but one of each and our pairs are really really similar in personality and dynamic despite the gender difference, I think she found that comforting as it gave her the perspective she needed that it isn't the governing factor in relationships necessarily.
She would have loved to have done the shopping, hair, clothes side of mother and daughter... Then she looks at my daughter and realises you don't necessarily get that anyway. 😆😆😆 Her two sons are such different characters it has definitely faded with time.
I suppose, whether it plagues you forever and you end up shouting at your teenage ds2 "you should have been a girl!" In an ugly temper (just to extrapolate to make the point), depends on how tightly you hold onto the fantasy of what that daughter would have been like.
Most likely she'll fall in love with the second and won't be able to imagine her family any other way in the end. 😊

It can be harder for some for personal or community reasons (if living in a community that goes on about it, it unsurprisingly can be harder - though many turn that frustration at that kind of BS to pride), but for most it passes quickly til you forget it was ever a thing.

My friends who wanted a boy but didn't get one got over it fairly easily. For those that didn't get a wanted daughter it's lasted a lot longer and been harder to accept. I think in part it's down to a societal expectation of some that girls will remain closer to their parents.

For me it’s never gone away, I’ll always be sad I didn’t have a daughter.

She's allowed to 'grieve' for the idea of a daughter, doesn't mean she won't love her son, but she is allowed to feel like this.

But she has to let herself feel it so she can move past it and get excited for her son

I had a baby earlier this year. I always really wanted a son but had a daughter. I now can’t imagine my life any other way and am so glad I had a girl and not a boy. So yes, IME it does go away! Once your child arrives, whatever sex it is it’s just “right” and you can’t imagine life any other way.

I've found it does pass. I come from a girl heavy family where boys are quite a rarity, so I always assumed I would have at least one daughter. Instead I have three boys.
It probably took me a month each time to adjust but after that I wouldn't want it any other way.

Thanks everyone for sharing. Seems a mixed bag. Totally agree that she needs to allow herself to feel it if she has any hope of moving past it eventually.

I think with your first baby it doesn't matter so much does it, because most people think they'll have more than one. I think with your second though its more final, like this is your family now forever and it's hard if you imagined something slightly different. Obviously though logically it's silly because you never know what you're going to get or how life will go so it's pretty minor. But still valid.

I had the same and I have 2 sons. To put it more accurately, I wasn't disappointed that my second was another boy, but I felt sad that I wouldn't ever have a daughter.

After refusing to feel guilty for a totally normal, hormonal response, I allowed myself a few days to let go of the idea or picture I'd had in my head, and instead filled it with questions I had about my new baby. Who would he look like, would he look like his brother etc.

By the time he was born, I couldn't imagine anyone else being part of the family. He's 6 now and a fucking legend, my boys are so close and I don't miss having a daughter. Our close friends all have girls who were very close to and they've all grown up together.

And if it makes your friend feel any better, I always think that if I were to have a third now I'd want another boy not a girl because I have a vision in my head of having a big brood of sons sitting around my kitchen whilst I make a lovingly fuss over them and feed them gigantic bowls of spaghetti. See? The vision we have in our head is responsible for so much and it's only when we feel guilty for a completely normal human response that we feel awful.

Imagining your family in a certain way is not a crime and certainly nothing to be berated for.

Reading these replies resonated with me.
I didn't find out the sec of my babies before birth, and with ds1 I didn't think I had any preference.
After he was born I was vaugly disappointed he wasn't a girl for about 5 months, nothing major at all just a feel.
With ds2 I knew I wanted a girl, I was fairly certain there wouldn't be another.
When he was born I didn't check what sex he was (I delivered him myself at home - no assistance was unplanned, it was just quick) until H phoned 999 and they asked. I looked, though "oh it's a boy" (in disappointment) and then almost immediately "oh, it's a boy" (in utter utter love) and that disappointment passed in literally a moment.

I've since felt over the years, as others have said, sad that I'll never have a daughter - not as a child but as a adult. But interestingly haven't thought about it for years, till I read this thread. My 2 are 17 & 14. I certainly don't miss having a female child now.

Yes it will go away, I always dreamed of having a little boy (not sure why) but when I found out I was having a girl I was devastated, I felt ashamed of myself and so guilty as many people could only dream of having a baby and i felt i was taking her for granted, but I couldn't help how I felt. Once I told my friends and family and saw how excited they were it was like a button switched, shes been here for 6 months now and I absolutely would not change her for anything shes my life, if I had another baby I'd be more than happy to have another baby girl xx

I know my dad always wanted a boy (living amongst a sea of women!) But also I know that he would never ever trade me for a different person even if they were a boy. he is however totally in love with DH and speaks to him on the phone often!

I didn't find our tht sex for DC2 and didn't allow to think that they might be a girl so was prepared for 2 boys.

I think it passes. I have two boys and honestly I would have liked a daughter. I felt tremendously guilty about these thoughts and never told anyone.
Now he is here I absolutely love the bones of him, just like his big brother and I would choose him over a million baby girls. Their personalities are so different and they are so gorgeous. My eldest is so sweet and sensitive but he is very 'boyish' in his games. I've embraced superheros and transformers and I just love watching him have fun so I enjoy whatever he enjoys.
I actually occasionally feel slightly relieved to have bypassed some of the complicated friendships and dramas that can come with girls.
I like the dynamic in our family and I love being the only female. I imagine when they are older being the little mum to two strapping lads and I love it. We are considering having a third but I genuinely would be happy with either sex.
A little girl would bring a new dynamic but a boy would just add to the amazing dynamic we have now.

A little different but dreamed of having two girls from being young. Fell pregnant with my first. She was a girl. So happy. I remember someone I went to school with had a boy when I was about 5 months pregnant. I actually can't relate to what i am about to say now.... But at the time I didn't like the tracksuits she put him in and thought even more that boys are not my thing. (This sounds horrible I know)

Fast forward my daughter turning two. I'm pregnant again. I'm having a boy. I can honestly say he's an absolute legend. love him to bits and can't understand the old me. I was in fairy land!! Anyhow if I had a third I'd hope for another boy I think! Weird.

I honestly think she will find her feet and end up loving the set up

All very reassuring for her, thank you for sharing 🙏🏼