Managing a suddenly rude child.

[Gillian1980]

Dd is 5 next week and in the last few weeks she’s become incredibly rude which is very unlike how she’s always been.

She’s been brought up to say please, thank you, excuse me, pardon etc. She of course has had her moments, usually if tired or really excited, but generally was very polite.

She’s started giving orders instead of asking and not using her Ps & Qs, interrupting , shouting. Eg usually she’d say “can I have a drink please?” But now she says “get me a drink, now!”

I’ve spoken to her about it, remind her to ask nicely, pretended I can’t hear her unless she is polite. She says sorry and then speaks nicely..... until 2 minutes later when it all starts again!

Anyone have any experience of this and any suggestions?

Thanks 😊

what is she watching on TV/youtube?

I have a couple of different ways, death stare or ask them to repeat until they realise what they said. It's not that they are being rude intentionally but they are being blunt, asking without manners. It's a consistent reminder until it becomes automatic.

Selective hearing

You only hear her when she says please or thank you

When I told my ds 5 I wasn't happy with his behaviour the other day he informed me he was more than satisfied with his behaviour thanks!! We were camping and he was impatient to do all the activities and pitching the tent was not his priority!!

After a chat he told me he was sick of being bossed about being the youngest - I did reply that as his dm it was my job to make sure he was safe /
He had tried to reclaim a stick very close to the edge of a huge hill!
Roll on September.

I disagree with some pps. This needs a firm " that is not how we ask for things in this house" and walk away from her.

Subtlety is lost on five year olds, and unacceptable behaviour has to be acknowledged as such from the off. You don't need to yell or shout. Just "that is not how we speak in this family" and withdraw attention for a couple of minutes. And of course she doesn't get what she wants.

@z0fl0ra mostly Lego Friends and Paw Patrol, or EllieV Lego videos on YouTube.

I'd sit down and have a think about possible reasons for this behaviour change and be honest with yourself. Something is likely to be going on to make her try this new tack. Figure out what it could be and see if you can fix it at source or at least talk to her about it without explicitly asking her why she's doing it (she won't know).

Essentially it's getting her attention - could you up the amount of time you/other parents spends with her on her own?

Meanwhile ignore the poor behaviour and up the praise and responsiveness for polite behaviour. If you respond (even negatively) to the impolite behaviour you are reinforcing it.

@saraclara yes, I’ve had some very firm “we do not speak to each other like that in our house”.... we are generally pretty firm parents.

My party line was ' no-one speaks rudely in this house. Your father and I don't speak rudely and you would hate it if we did. So you don't speak rudely either.'
Repeat as necessary.

My ds1 went through a very sharp-tongued phase when he was about 4 or 5, I remember saying "I don't think I like rude little boys" and him replying "I don't think I like rude little mummies!" which served me right for making such a stupid remark in the first place. He'll be 18 next month and has a rapier wit - and the maturity to know how and when to use it.

Tell her firmly that it's rude, why it's rude, and what she should have said instead. Every time. And when she's not being rude, praise and explain that people much prefer helping her/getting her what she's asked for/playing with her when she uses kind words. She'll grow out of it.

Yes, it’s been since she started holiday club. They say she behaves brilliantly there and is polite etc. She says she really enjoys it there and happily skips in every day. Maybe she’s copying other kids.

Other than having a rude speaking manner she’s pretty well behaved.

She could really enjoy it and at the same time miss being with you / be jealous of a sibling who's at home / be worried about something etc. Would really urge you to try to set aside some special 1:1 time for her at a predictable time each day/every other day as well as laying down firm behavioural boundaries. Good luck

Could there be a child at holiday camp who speaks like this and she's picking up/copying this child?

I would continue with "we don't speak like that in this house" and walking away or go with pretending not to hear.

When my ds went though a phase I made it positive attention for asking nicely. An example that always made him laugh was when he was polite I'd pretend to turn my ears up - turning up the volume because I'm sure I just heard something really lovely asked for.
Kids get off on praise (usually - there's some exceptions!)
And I'd spontaneously give him more than what he asked for "please may I have a drink" "wow I'm so impressed with how you asked - I'm going to ask if you'd like a haribo sweet too?"

She does get 1:1 time with me every working day (3 days p/w), between her finishing club and us collecting her brother from nursery.... about 1.5hrs.
And 1:1 with her dad for about 45 mins every evening.
Over the weekend we try to even out time with each of the kids, time as a family and time where me and DH each gets a bit of time to ourselves.

Honestly, she gets loads & loads of positive attention and 1:1 time as well as family time.