Need some 'me' time but just can't seem to bring myself leave DS with childminder/daycare

[oneplusone]

Hi, just wondering what's wrong with me! I'm a full time SAHM and have been for over 4 years. DD is in reception, mornings only so it's just me and DS in the mornings. I've been thinking for some time that I really need some time to myself, I want to start studying for a new career/job once both kids are at school and sometimes being at home all the time really really really gets to me and I'm desperate for some space from the kids.

So anyway, I keep getting lists of local childminders with vacancies and enquring at local daynurseries about spaces, as I would like to leave DS with childminder/at daycare for one morning a week whilst DD is at school.

But, when it really comes down to making a decision and getting on with it I just can't seem to do it. I think it's a combination of guilt at leaving DS with someone else as I never did that with DD and thinking I should just try and stick it out as he'll be starting at preschool next september. And also he is just sooooo cute and adorable that I kind of don't want to miss out on even a few hours of his life as i know soon he'll be at school etc and I'll see much less of him.

But then there are the bad days when I just so desperately need some space and that's usually when i start calling around to see where there might be a vacancy for him. But by the time I have narrowed a few places down things are fine again and I decide I don't want to leave him anywhere.

What on earth is wrong with me? Why can't i make a decision and stick to it? Have any of you had this kind of dilema?

Sorry this is long and rambling, it's kind of hard to even explain how i feel really but i hope you get the gist!

I should add that we have no family or suitable friends nearby that could childmind for me to give me a break sometimes and I suppose I would much more readily take that option if it was available.

i haven't had this situation exactly, but i put DS into childminders when i went to work, and he is still there while i am now on maternity, until the baby is born. The main reason is because my back is sore, and i have trouble taking care of him on my own at the moment.

i feel guilty sometimes about it, even though it's just a few weeks. When the baby comes, he's still going to go to the childminders 1 day a week.

you have to have time for just you- sod feeling guilty- you are a woman, not 'just' a mother. Besides, it's valuable for kids to learn about sharing/friendships/time away from mother. My DS is 15mths, loves the childminder's and is a very happy, playful little boy.

start small- maybe a morning a week, then perhaps a whole day. sometimes you'll miss him, sometimes you won't. it's odd at first, but it's really worth it!

Thanks PG, I think I just need some reassurance that he'll be fine. He's terrible in the creche at the gym, screams the whole time and that's only around 40 mins.

I am going to bite the bullet and give it a go.

I thought I should farm out DD1 somewhere else, as I thought she must be completely fed up with me. Took nearly a year to get her a preschool place, but now she's there she loves it.

I never leave DD2. I left the pair of them at the creche at the gym a few times. DD1 had a great time, DD2 was so upset she was scratching her face, and each time I picked her up she'd done a poo and no one had noticed.

No one nearby I can call on either - I mean, my neighbour would help like a shot, but I'm really put off by the number of trips she and her children take to A&E. Accident prone to say the least.

So I always have my little friend with me, and accept the limitations that puts on me.

I may look again if a tempting job is waved in front of me!

oneplusone- creche is very different to childminder's environment. childminder will provide consistency and more one-to-one time, and he/she may prove invaluable.

mine is so lovely that she's offered to have DS when i go into labour, day or night. DS gets excited when he sees her front door, so i know he's happy to go, and he gets excited when we pick him up, so i know he's happy to come home too

Can you find a local toddler group that is frequented by local childminders? I find that is a good way to get to know childminders in a 'no pressure to decide' setting. It then makes it easier to ask them to help out starting with a few hours here or there - since your dc will already know them.

What about a part-time nanny? This way you can have DS around you, but still have "me time"