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Parenting

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Original poster

Returning to work - experiencing 'mom guilt'

19 replies

Birchgirl · 30/07/2020 22:28

I'm due to return to work in a few weeks time . Due to financial reasons and wanting future DC I'll be returning full time.

I cannot shake this extreme feeling of guilt that I'll be in work more than I see my DC.

Part of me thinks it'll be OK due to my long term plan being to go part time in 2ish years and those are the years she'll remember. But then the other part of me keeps thinking I'm going to miss a crucial time in DC life.

I'm just looking for some positive stories / reassuring stories of parents who have gone back to work full time.

Also a bit of a hand hold

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Elbbob · 30/07/2020 22:37

It is really hard. How old will your daughter be when you go back? Who will be looking after her?My daughter was 12 months and it was heartbreaking for the first 3 months leaving her at nursery but but 18 months old she absolutely loved it and still does now, and we make the most of weekends. It will be fine!

Original poster

Birchgirl · 31/07/2020 07:50

She'll be 10 months. It'll be my mum and MIL x

OP posts:

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 31/07/2020 08:01

My son has a settling in session at nursery today. He needs to start soon because I go back to work soon. Its awful, isnt it?

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Letsallscreamatthesistene · 31/07/2020 08:02

Actually the one bit of advice ive been given that seems good is to keep goodbye's short, but dont sneak off when they're not looking. A quick kiss and say goodbye, and leave. Dragging things out tends to cause more upset.

Original poster

Birchgirl · 31/07/2020 09:55

It's not the going back to work part that worries me. It's the full time part.

I'm worried that I won't have much time for her and it'll affect her in the long run. Or it'll even affect our bond.

I know this sounds silly but I'm really worried

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Original poster

Birchgirl · 31/07/2020 17:36

Bump

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 31/07/2020 17:42

I initially went back to work part time then at 18 months went full time until my DD turned 3 and I went on a second maternity leave. It’s been hard but I really prioritised my time with DD in the evenings and weekends and can confidently say it didn’t effect our bond at all. I’m now lucky I can take a longer maternity leave as I was full time during my pregnancy

AnnaSW1 · 31/07/2020 17:47

I know it's easy to say if maybe you can't afford it but could you go back part time to start with?

I went back 3 days a week as full time would have just been too hard. After a year I increased it to 4 days

DeRigueurMortis · 31/07/2020 17:53

I went back to work 4 months after DS was born 4 days a week. At 12 months I went back full time.

I'm not going to lie.... the first day I left him at nursery (after settling sessions) I cried my eyes out.

When I picked him up he was happy as Larry and that was so reassuring.

The mum guilt was real but tbh it wore off as I saw how much fun he had at nursery.

As he got older I realised I wouldn't have done "messy" play and a whole load of activities they did with him - plus the social interaction with other children was a real boon.

I finally put the guilt to bed on the first day of school when he walked in, totally confident and happy chatting to his nursery friends where other parents were trying to coax anxious, screaming children into school having never been in anyone else's care.

It's tough I know but there's pros and cons to every situation and I'm in no way trying to be derogatory about SAHM's.

All I'm saying is that your child won't forget who is mummy is because he's at nursery and will likely thrive there

DeRigueurMortis · 31/07/2020 17:59

Apologies I see he's being cared for by family.

My post still stands and tbh it's lovely that your child will have some bonding time with grandparents.

That's valuable in itself

ZooKeeper19 · 31/07/2020 18:12

@Birchgirl is your work office-based by any chance? Will you have the option of WFH a day or two? Could you try this?

Also to ease your guilt (and mine). Our generation went to nursery at 6m as our mums had to work. We all turned out fine. I am not saying it is totally OK, but it's acceptable in the long run. Surviving on minimal wage puts stress on you too. You really cannot win.

HeyMicky · 31/07/2020 18:19

So you will absolutely not see much of her. Especially when she's young - get up, breakfast and dress, drop her off; collect after work, bit of supper and bath and bed. It's just how it is.

But loads of us do it. And our children are not impacted negatively. The time you spend with them is the time that counts. Good quality reading every evening and highly engaged weekends may be better for you and your family then being at home full time but half arsed - it was for me (if you were to be half arsed, not all SAHMs etc).

Lazypuppy · 31/07/2020 19:20

I never felt the mum guilt as i couldn't wait to be me again, not just mum which is how everyone sees you. People at work don't tend to ever see you with a baby.

I loved 8 hours a day of no baby stuff, try to focus on yourself for a change. Baby will be fine in childcare

Original poster

Birchgirl · 01/08/2020 19:37

Unfortunately WFH or part time just isn't an option. I plan to go part time in about 2 years and keep telling myself that that's the age she'll notice more so it'll be OK. But then the guilt creeps back in

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Thriceisnice · 01/08/2020 19:42

Honestly, I think I'm a better mum for going to work. Not compared to others, but it makes me a nicer person iyswim. I have a cleaner and try to do 'life admin' in lunch breaks and in the late evening, so that evenings and weekends are very much mummy time. My dd was also looked agree my family when I returned to work, phasing in nursery increasingly from age 2, and the bond she has with them in phenomenal. It's like her having a 2nd home, which I absolutely love as although my grandad was lovely, I never had that super close bond like dd does with my parents.

DeRigueurMortis · 01/08/2020 19:44

Honestly OP it will be ok.

Your child won't forget who Mummy is nor will they be in any way "damaged".

Spending time with grandparents is a real opportunity for them to feel secure not just in their primary family unit but understand that there a lots of family members who love them.

GP's can have a hugely positive impact on children in terms of general socialisation and understanding different perspectives.

In turn by working you're offering your child a great start in terms of financial stability and the time you will have together will be cherished and positive because you're not utterly frazzled by looking after them constantly.

HarrietM87 · 01/08/2020 19:56

I think you’re really lucky that you’ve got family to look after your child. They will truly love each other.

I went back full time when my son was 11 months. No family nearby so we got a nanny for him to try to create that one to one relationship. DH had him one day a week so he was with the nanny 4 days. We live near the office and he woke early so I’d see him each morning 6.30-9am, then again 5.30-7pm (id log back into work remotely after he was in bed). It was honestly fine. Being back at work was great - I felt like myself again. DS thrived. Part time isn’t really an option in my career so I never considered it. However, I’ll be off on mat leave again shortly, from when he’s 2.5-3.5 and can’t wait to have that time with him.

Thriceisnice · 01/08/2020 19:59

@derigueurmortis you've reminded me about the benefits of a range of carers. My dad loves science, so he and dd do all kinds of potions and experiments, and he loves to read, so they go to the library together. My mum crafts and bakes, so dd joins in with that. My mil has taught her to sign as that's what she does for work. And I also love books and messy stuff taking her to the park, so that's what we do. It's honestly been so good for her.

YoBeaches · 02/08/2020 15:46

I go back to work at in a week after 13 months off with dd. Her first full day at nursery is tomorrow, she's done some settles and she was due to start in June but all got delayed through covid.

I'm tearful all day today. She'll love nursery, she'll love being with other babies and toddlers and all the activities she'll do.

I'm lucky to be in a very well paid job that I spent 20 years building my career for prior to having a baby. I have to go back both for finances now, and those of the future. My earnings won't stay this high in the scheme of things so I need to look long term.

My DH has consolidated his days and will have one day a week with dd.

We just have to look at it that it's moving to the next stage in life for all of you. Dc won't lose any bond with you at all, and encouraging new relationships is a good thing in my opinion, especially with grandparents. Ours don't live nearby so can't help out.

Tissues at the ready. Dh is doing drop off tomo. It's not that she going to nursery that is upsetting, it's that the best year of my life is coming to an end 😢

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