PPD - recovery positivity please!

[Atticus500]

I’ve posted a few times on here recently, and thanks to some very kind MNers who pointed out that I was reaching crisis point, I’ve been in touch with my GP again and been referred to my local perinatal MH crisis team and a counsellor. But what I’ve found helpful is to hear from others who have been through this and come out the other side. I’ve been on ADs for 4 weeks and still having terribly bad days so I think I’ve got to wait it out for longer, but hearing that things get better and I will recover will really help if anyone is willing to share.
For context, happy pregnancy, but all went to shit with coronavirus in third trimester resulting in no antenatal classes, reduced care and limited support. Also impacted birth plan which went out of the window and resulted in c-section without epidural, and seriously poor aftercare (to quote the nurse when I stood up and blood poured onto the floor - “here’s a sanitary towel and there’s the toilet”). Recovery also impacted further by DH unable to take time off work (we were thankful he wasn’t laid off so didn’t feel he could take time off) and I was at home on my own 3 days after the birth trying to run the house, recover from the surgery, care for the baby and in pain throughout. Long story short, I ended up having a complete breakdown 2.5 weeks postpartum and told my GP and HV I thought I had PND. I’ve been on citalopram at 20mg for the last two weeks (10mg for first two weeks), and have certainly had better days overall, but still finding it really tough. Things got so bad I moved in with my parents leaving my DH at home. It feels like this is how it will always be - that I will always cry everyday and feel completely lost; and that I’ll always feel like I’ve made a mistake and I’ll never get my life back. That everyone would be better off without me, and that I can never be happy with our baby. I waited to have much wanted daughter until 38, so this has all been a huge shock and something I never thought I’d feel.
If ever I needed the help of others to encourage me, it’s now and any positive experiences from you all would be hugely appreciated. X

Hi OP - I responded to your other thread and I'm so pleased that you reached out and are now getting the specialist MH support you need from the perinatal team.

I probably shared some of my story on the original thread, so I won't repeat it here, but I just want to say that it does get better. You won't feel like this forever because what you have is an illness from which there will be a recovery.

I went back to work at 3 months, which was the start of feeling like my old self again, and then at 6 months things got much easier with the baby. I had a massive panic at the beginning of lockdown at the thought of being stuck in the house with the baby again, but it has been a blessing in disguise. Despite WFH part-time and juggling childcare, it's been had a second stab at maternity leave and I feel like I've really bonded with my baby (now 1 year old). I'm now fully off the meds.

My advice would be not to look too far into the future (easy said!) and just take it one day at a time. Days turn into weeks, which turn into months. Gradually you'll look back and think 'this week was easier' and so on. And please don't worry about not enjoying this time - it really doesn't matter. Your baby won't know and won't be affected.

Thank you for your kind words ihaveoflate. It is reassuring to know I’m not the only one to feel this way and that it will get better eventually. I just find each day so incredibly difficult

I was diagnosed with PND two week after my baby was born in February and the feelings I had were such a shock to the system. I felt very much like you described and it hit me like a truck; I have an older DD and didn’t have those feelings with her so I completely didn’t expect it this time. Although Covid made things a lot harder the fact that DH was furloughed helped my recovery otherwise I think I’d of ended up doing the same as you and moving in with my mum.
My DS is now 5 months and since being diagnosed with PND I’ve had CBT which has really helped and I feel much better. It was slow at first where I started to have some good days and then I started to be able to look back at a week and say they were mostly good days. Now I can look back on a week and feel that there were good parts in each day even if some parts were tough. In the midst of it all I didn’t feel like I would ever feel better but people reassured me that I would and I’m glad they were right.
My main advice is to try and take one day at a time and if a day is too overwhelming then take a half day at a time or an hour at a time. You will start feeling like yourself again and it does get better.