I want another child but not a baby

[MikeEhrmantraut]

I'm hoping for some pearls of wisdom or experience from other mumsnetters really. Like a great deal of other women I had a good pregnancy but a very tough delivery, pretty bad PND and have since had a miscarriage and an ectopic with surgery on the two times we tried for a second. Clearly I get pregnant easily I just struggle with what comes after.

We keep flirting with the idea of trying again for a second but after a lot of soul searching I've realised I bloody hated the baby months. My son now he's 3.5 is a delight. Life is easy, we get enough sleep, He can walk miles, he is silly and loving. Watching him play with his cousins is heart melting. We're not getting any younger and I see us with two children long term but the idea of pregnancy, the worry, the delivery and the first 1-2 years scares me something rotten.

Any advice lovely people? I'm tempted to just not bother with contraception and if it happens treat it as it's meant to be. And keep off social media so I don't escalate into shit mum guilt or fear like I did last time. Or is that a horrendous idea? I know no one else can make a decision but it's a lonely place to be right now.

Well unfortunately, unless you adopt, you can't have a child without going through those baby months....
Yeah it's shit at times, but look at what you've got now with your child.
Gotta go through that to get to the golden years.

If it's any consolation, you tend to be anxious the second time around. Yes, sleep deprivation is fucking horrible but you know it will pass and you have managed to keep one child alive already, so....

Added bonus; even if you fall pregnant tomorrow, your child is out of nappies and in nursery or reception (if you are in the UK), by the time the new baby is born. So, you still get some space to nap with the baby whilst they are away.

Finally, forewarned is forearmed. Have help arranged in advance for the PND and get the real-life support you need, away from social.

I had a traumatic birth and terrible PND with my first. The first year was awful. I had a second DC just under 3 years later and it was so much easier, mainly because I was less anxious as I knew roughly what to expect. Just because you had a tough time with the first doesn't mean the second time will also be bad.

Thanks for responding much appreciated

I struggled with my first. Not extremely but still found life very hard. I woke up most mornings with an overwhelming feeling of dread. I felt lonely, exhausted & DD1 was a tricky baby. It took me a good couple years to come round to thinking about no.2! I found life, much like you, so much easier when she grew up into an independent toddler & now pre-schooler!

No.2 arrived in March and it’s been a completely different experience. Massively so. And that’s despite a bloody pandemic! I’ve not felt an ounce of dread or low feeling. I’m thoroughly enjoying being a mum of 2. In many ways, it’s made me enjoy being a parent more. Which is odd as my hands are certainly full! I think part of it is that I was already a mum. Already tired. Already used to putting myself second & my life revolving around my child. Already just in the mum zone. DD2 has simply slotted in. I feel 100x more confident in looking after a baby. I don’t worry about everything & anything. I don’t even mind the night feeds (although I can’t wait to not be totally knackered 😂) With your first, you overthink everything. Everything is a big deal & you feel like it’s going to ruin their life if you do it wrong. & you feel like each phase will last forever. With your second, you realise phases are just that. They pass. The hard parts get easier. Time passes far too quickly really.

Good luck in your decision!

Thanks @Bol87 for sharing your experience and I'm so glad you're enjoying being a mum of two.

I felt like you! Sorry for your losses. Things were much much easier with DC2. Even with poor sleep. DC2 fitted in with our existing routine so it wasn't like starting from scratch like with DC1. And now they are older they play together so nicely and I'm so so glad we have more than one.

I feel very similar and am now 34 weeks pregnant with no.2! DD was 3 in May and an absolute delight. I love having a 'child' rather than a baby. Its fun, exciting and its just a joy to be with her and watch her grow.

I didn't enjoy the baby bit either. Shit birth & EMCS, difficult recovery and then PND. Even when I had come through the other side, I just found the baby stage a bit of a 'slog. (And DD was a good sleeper!). I see friends now with babies up to one and actually think 'ugh, what a drag!'. Sounds a bit mean, but I don't miss the whole pram / highchair / teething / nappies / jiggling a baby.

Anyway, we sort of got pregnant knowing we wanted another 'child' -its maybe 18 months of the not so good bit, and then it gets great.

I'm hoping maybe it won't be such a shock this time as like a PP said, I'm used to my life being very different now. We will see!

Have you considered adopting? They like your birth child to be older so you can afford to wait a while. You could start the process when your child is 4 or 5 then have the new child placed when your birth child is 6 or 7, they could be 3-5 years old. So no baby years. You're helping someone and completing your family at the same time. There's an adoption board on MN you can have a read of. Something to think about :)

All I'll say is it flys by the second time. I remember when we had my first. It felt like an eternity to get to 6 months and start weening. It felt like a lifetime to reach 12 months and her walking. The second time it was such a blur. One minute he was a newborn, the next minute he was a toddler! I don't remember much about his first year at all! I can remember every painstaking minute of my first child's baby months.

She is ruining our lives and honestly I just didn't want a daughter for real?

I had the same concerns when deciding on a third. I am not that keen on the pregnancy or baby stage but wanted the family you got as a result. With our second I budgeted for a really tough first year but after 6 months it felt easier. And as pps have said, it all goes so much faster. The days can feel long but you hit 6 months before you know it. With our third he is almost 2 before I know what has happened!

@Ducky1900

Well unfortunately, unless you adopt, you can't have a child without going through those baby months.... Yeah it's shit at times, but look at what you've got now with your child. Gotta go through that to get to the golden years.

If you adopt, you'll also probably have children who need to be treated at a much younger age to help them catch up developmentally - so in some ways that baby stage will be there. You'd also need to be stable and able to deal with attachment problems and trauma which can be very tough to handle. There are often some missed diagnoses including FASD and a realistic idea of your adopted child can be hard to get before they come to you and have settled in a bit.

Just wanted to add this (I'm an adoptee, hope to adopt when my birth children are a bit older) as adoption is not the same as having a birth child. The love is the same, but the parenting is not always the same. There are always some exceptions, but it is not really something to consider purely to skip the baby years and is likely to be more challenging longer-term than having a few years as mother to a baby who's been born to you. Not to put anyone off, but it is something that would need wider consideration than missing baby years and it's sometimes recommended you wait for birth children to be older before going down the adoption route.

I hope it goes well, whatever you decide, OP. I had a difficult time with my first and it took years to be able to consider another - for me, I actually longed for the baby but the hospital mucking up care had caused massive stress, then my ds had a kidney condition and for the first year we were in and out of hospital and getting no real sleep (which was awful for my mh). I think your PND is sensible to consider. Would it help to request to talk to a perinatal psychiatrist? They can give really helpful advice and help to put a plan in place for different scenarios and find the best way for you to remain stable. I'd also suggest that you maybe think about what was really awful last time (what went wrong in delivery etc) and how you could avoid similar happening this time. I know several ladies who had a planned C section after birth trauma and that was helpful (doctors try to talk you out of it, but most of the time are obliged to agree unless there's a medical reason to avoid).

The miscarriage and the ectopic must have been so stressful too. Would a counsellor be an option to help you chat things through and reach a conclusion? xxx

It sounds like you’ve had a really tough time so only you know whether you can put yourself through it.

I definitely enjoy DC more as he’s getting older. He’s only 8.5m and I can tell by the time he’s walking around and talking it’s going to be so func we get glimpses of it now. Currently pregnant with DC2 and me and DP agreed that we don’t enjoy the early baby time so we’ll do what ever necessary to get through then enjoy the time after.

They’re not babies forever thankfully.