Want my son to come home after school but feel guilty

[strawflower]

Hi all, I'm just wondering if people can help me clear my mind on this topic.

My son is 5, will be going into Y1 in Sep. Since he was 1, my mom and MIL have looked after him one day a week, moving to after school once he started.

I really appreciate that they did this because I preferred him to be with family when he was little, but I always struggled with it because even though I wanted to work, I also felt that the right/best thing would be for him to be with me.

They have always liked having him, especially my MIL who is crazy about children.

But now I work freelance from home and he's a bit older, I would really like him to start coming home after school, unless he has after school gymnastics etc.

I always went home with my mum after school, never childcare, and liked that, so I guess this is a big factor. I want him to able to have playdates etc. I am also facing facts that I may not be able to have another child, so want to spend as much time with him as possible (endometriosis, secondary infertility, IVF - another story).

But I know my mum and MIL (especially) will be sad and that makes me feel guilty and like I should still send him there even though I don't want to! At the moment, coronavirus is my excuse, but the truth is I want to be the one picking him up every day.

He's my child and we'll still see them loads at weekends, etc, so I shouldn't just do something because I feel guilty, should I?

Help!

Could you make it once a fortnight each, so they both have 1-1 time with him (I loved that with my grandmas)? Then you’d only have one after school without him every week.

Does he only go once a week? So you'd still be picking him up on the other 4 days?

If you don't need it for childcare I'd stop the regular arrangement but still make ad hoc plans to see them regularly or for them to pick up occasionally (once the virus is not longer as prevalent). But not every Monday, for example. Gives them more flexibility to make other plans too.

So are they doing one day a week each? I think if so I would leave it as it is as you still have three days a week to pick him up and a close bond between grandparents and their grandchild is so wonderful.

Don't over think this! He's your child and this is your time being a mum, mine are 15 & 19 and believe me their childhood races by.

Stop feeling guilty, my mum is a wonderful hands on Grandma but she appreciates she had her 'turn' when her children were young.

If you have the luxury of collecting your son from school everyday and it's something you enjoy, do it!

It sounds like you spend time with the grandparents at the weekend, so nobody is missing out.

Thanks all - especially allfalldown47, I would like to stop feeling guilty. I can see how quickly everything is going to go, especially now I think I may not be able to have another child.

To be clear - it's one day each so 2 days a week and yes, 3 days where I or his dad pick him up. Maybe the ad hoc thing is best.

I just have the freedom to pick him up and it's a 5 min walk to his school so it's actually more difficult to drive over to their houses to get him and is making less sense now he's older.

I loved my nan to death but she never picked me up from school as she lived miles away - we had a close bond from family time, evening / weekend babysitting and overnight stays - which I very much still want - so I don't think after school pick up is necessary for a close bond.

Although I suppose it is only 2 days a week... I would just like it to be ad hoc rather than every week I guess

I think it's lovely actually that he gets to spend 2 days a week after school with them. Why not just carry on and use that time to get work done and then you can be more present all the other times? Do you never need to work in the afternoons you have him or in the evenings or on weekends?

I think you are thinking about how guilty you feel about not being with him every day, but what do you think he feels about it? My grandparents picked me up every day after school, fed me dinner, mum picked me up about 6. Sometimes I spent the weekend with them too. I loved it. It was wonderful. And it meant when I was home with my mum, she was fully focussed on me and not stressing about finishing up work. I had a good relationship with all of them and really fond memories of those afterschool times.

I mean, I think it's fine if you really don't want it to be a set thing on set days, but do make the most of it. My dc don't really see their grandmas at all (too far away and other issues), maybe a few times a year. If I had the option to have them spend time with them more regularly, I would take it.

My mil used to collect my ds once a week until about y3, and I was a sahm. Gave me an afternoon with younger DD and DS loved it. He is 18 now and still very close to his granny.

Does your DS enjoy his time with his grannies?

He does enjoy it but he also likes being able to come home too, especially over the last 6 weeks or so when school has been back but he hasn't been able to go to theirs.

The main thing he says he likes about going to MIL's is that she buys him a magazine with a free toy each week - but tbh we want her to stop doing that because he gets too many tatty toys he pays no attention to and thinks toys are disposable because of it.

I never work evenings or weekends, I'm very protective of my time - sometimes I have to finish stuff off for an hour after I've picked him up but he wants to rest and watch tv in that time usually anyway.

Perhaps the best thing to do is to see how it goes having him come home from school everyday until October half term- we need to see how things go with coronavirus anyway.

@mindutopia I don;t feel guilty about not picking him up everyday, I feel guilty stopping him going to his grandmothers' because I want to enjoy picking him up while he's still young and I might not have any more kids.

And he will spend weekends there, babysitting, occasional afterschool, etc. so is it really such a big deal?

They have to drive past our house to take him to theirs and he has said it makes him feel sad when he drives past that he can't just come home.

It's only two after-school pick-ups a week which isn't that much really in the long-term scheme of things.
I understand you want to spend as much time as possible with him, however maybe you need to consider that your DM & MIL may not have as long left, in good health etc, to spend such quality time with him, at least in compared to you.
It sounds like you're trying to recreate your childhood for your child, rather than what may be best for your child.
I only saw my grandparents a few times a year at most (both sets lived far away) so didn't have that opportunity to build strong relationships or memories with them. In contrast we live relatively close to my PIL (my mum is dead) & pre-Covid they spent two days a week with DS (2) & did the school run with DD on those days, & had looked after DD before she started school. They have a wonderful relationship, which I know PIL adore & treasure, & I'm sure DC will when they're older & I wouldn't change that for anything.

I am not trying to recreate my childhood for my child! Haha, that would be weird I am just acknowledging my own experience could be an influence, as everyone's is.

Are you saying that you think after school pick-ups are necessary for a close relationship? I don't think they are when there are plenty of other times to bond.

I suppose the health thing is a thought, but my MIL is in fine fettle. My own mother is slightly less healthy, but that's another reason why it might not be the best to continue to have her look after him.

It does feel a bit like a can of worms to be honest.

I have just been thinking really hard about this and I think what is at the heart of this is my own need for independence. In this case - independence from our parents! As weird as that may sound when we're used to thinking of it as independence from our roles as mothers / from our children.

I'm lucky they have been so involved and I know that. But maybe now he's getting older, I'm sensing the chance to get back to socialising with them, rather than depending on them - while still letting them spend as much 1 on 1 time as possible with the babysitting that I really need - evenings and weekends!

I have often found it difficult / disliked the change in dynamics since my son was born. They've spent more time looking after him than we have spent socialising and having fun as a whole family.

Maybe now I'm just sensing a chance to put things back to where they were a little...

But then I think - well that's literally putting your needs before his (maybe?) - so back to square one with the guilt!! Arggghhh

It probably won’t be sustainable once he starts having homework.

@Purpleartichoke - which won't be sustainable? Any of it ?

I think it's time to separate a little and the after school thing is a good start.

It opens options for play dates and yes they can pick him up ad hoc- it's ridiculous in a way that you don't feel like you can say "my son and I want that time together!"

You can perhaps increase the wider family time together and reduce the childcare element so it's a "treat" for everyone.

oh @randommess thank you for saying that. It is ridiculous that I feel i can't say these things isn't it. And I think the idea of us having more fun, treat times together is hitting it on the head.

From your DS point of view If his grandparents look after him every week at least once then they are pretty much another set of parents rather than than grandparents.

I think it's nicer for him if spending time with his grandparents is fun indulgent time. Also as DC get older often grandparents can get a bit "boring" and they try to keep them stuck in being "little" IYSWIM.

Yes - these are things I think as well! They can't treat him every week otherwise he'll be completely spoiled - but they should be allowed to treat him when they see him.

And my mother is certainly guilty of trying to keep him "little"!

Are you going to collect him then have to do work? I always used to go to my grandparents after school. I loved it

he has said it makes him feel sad when he drives past that he can't just come home

Well then there’s your answer. He’s told you he wants to go home not to either of their houses. Just explain to them (nicely) that DS wants to go straight home after school instead now, but that if they’re happy to then they could pick him up on occasion and then it will be more of a treat for him, rather than routine.

Thanks Owwlie and everyone!