Toddler years, is it really going to be this bad for a long time to come?

[Ididnotseethiscoming]

Hi, I'm new to MN.

I have one DS who is 20 months old, I am almost 30 and currently on furlough from my usual full-time job, I have been furloughed since the beginning of lockdown.

DS is just extremely hard work at the moment and I feel so guilty for how I am feeling towards him. He is also a very loving child, which I love.

It might be useful to mention that I have suffered from depression and anxiety previously (last time I was medicated was 2 years ago) and my doctor has just represcribed me the same medications as last time (Citalopram). I have been struggling with internal rage, which sometimes becomes external towards DH, as well as feeling low, anxious, overwhelmed and unmotivated.

DS is an extremely wanted child, we had a hard time falling pregnant. 5 years and 3 rounds of failed ICSI, eventually we fell pregnant when not trying during a break from IVF.

So that's a bit of background if it helps at all.

DS is very demanding, cries immediately if he wants something and it turns into a full blown tantrum if I can't guess what that is immediately. I can't take him anywhere (i.e supermarket) as he screams bloody murder the entire time. He hangs off of me while I am trying to cook dinner and cries. He has just started to hit me as well.

He says a lot of words which is great and when he does tantrum I either try to distract him, which hardly ever works, or ignore him. I try to stay calm.

I have started putting him in nursery for one day a week so it isn't a complete shock for him when I do go back to work.

My issue is that I am not enjoying 90% of parenting right now and I feel so guilty. I have no desire to play with DS as he gets so frustrated and tantrums at the smallest mishap he makes. I find myself counting down the days until Tuesday when he is in nursery for the day, cue more guilt. I live for when he is napping or due in bed. Then I feel so guilty for all my thoughts while he is asleep or at nursery and I miss him.

My doctor said it's rough pretty much for the first 5 years. Is this true? Am I in for 3.5 more years of this?

Thanks for reading if you got this far and I look forward to hearing your views

Sorry you're feeling like this. First off, don't beat yourself up about it. Anyone who says they've never felt like this about their toddler is either extremely lucky, or lying. Secondly no this is not it now for 5 years, but it will not be the only irritating behaviour he shows in the next 5 years either. Oh- and thirdly, this is an INCREDIBLY difficult time for everyone, toddlers and mums of toddlers included (maybe even especially).

I think you need to so a bit of lovebombing your son for both of your sakes. www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/sep/22/oliver-james-love-bombing-children. Basically it's just being as nice as possible to him, playing with him, kissing & cuddling etc very intensively. That puts you in control and conversely ought to Hello him separate from you a bit.

I think up til about 2-3 is still a bit intense. My youngest is now 2.5 and really quite easy (but he was always easy). My very intense older one is still very intense and not all that enjoyable at 7. So it does depend on the child.

But being essentially a 'SAHP' when you don't really want to be is awful. I've been home with both of mine since March. I am still working FT (not furloughed). Toddler back to nursery 3-4 days from beginning of June and my older one started holiday club this week. It's been hell. Truly absolute hell. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I don't necessarily think it's the age, but it's the current situation too. I've not really enjoyed any of it. They can pick up on how you're feeling though and that can make it worse - so when they're grumpy and you're grumpy, they get even grumpier, etc. Personally, I can't wait until I can eventually be back in the office and have even longer days away to get a break (won't be til January or after probably). So I wouldn't worry that it's you or him. It's just a really hard time and it will get easier. Do you know when you'll be going back to work?

It gets much easier when they can meaningfully communicate by talking. This age is hugely frustrating for a lot of kids because they understand a lot but can't get their thoughts out to share them with you.

I find the stuff Janet Lansbury writes about toddlers to be very useful - she goes on about confident momentum a lot ie don't try to placate them all the time, but make a decision and then just confidently go with it. If they sense that you're wavering or worrying about upsetting them all the time it makes them feel insecure and anxious and they will just be more whiny. It's OK to decide - you're the adult, he's the child. But she's also fairly big on age appropriate expectations so not punishing them for stuff they just literally can't do yet.

And self care - ie ensuring you get a break - is essential too. I find being outside is helpful, as is being with other parents of similar aged kids, especially if they are people I consider friends rather than just random strangers (if you can do that with corona restrictions - I'm not in UK so not sure what regs are there now).

He could also be teething. I keep teething rings in the freezer and dispatch at the first sign of crankiness. Sometimes he's not bothered by it, sometimes he chomps that thing like a dog with a bone - then I give calpol or baby nurofen, because there's no sense them being miserable because they are in pain. IME the molars and canines are much harder on them than the first teeth.

If he's not sleeping well that can be another reason for crankiness and can make things harder on you as well if you're not getting much chance to recharge.

What is DH doing to take the load off you? Or is he leaving everything to you because you are furloughed?

Thank you all.

I am back to work in October at the latest I believe.

I have read something similar before, I suppose I need to trust my instincts a bit more. For example I often feel a bit bad for putting him down for a nap when he's resisting it a bit, even though he is super tired. Also I have been taking him to my Aunt's for garden visits so he can play with my cousin's children when they visit (3 and 5 yo). DS just cries most of the time we are there as he is struggling since lockdown and spending all of his time with either me or DH.

DH is great most of the time. He is very hands on when he is at home. My only issue is our two dogs. They need two walks a day and often DH will get up early and walk them and I will do the evening walk to have a little break from the house and DS. Lately DH is getting in a huff that he has to get up and walk them as I should be able to do it with DS during the day. I find this extremely difficult with the way DS behaves at the moment. Not to mention, I don't have two small dogs, we have two big huskies and one of them is not very good with other dogs, so needs keeping at eye on constantly. I simply cannot give both her and DS all my attention at the same time. DH has been getting quite aggy about this. Sometimes I lie and say I have walked them when I actually haven't, this makes me extremely anxious, the lying. I actually don't agree that they NEED two walks everyday. They are both 7 and one has Arthritis, one walk during the week seems fine to me! DH does not agree though.

Oh and yes, DS is definitely teething. Canines are through but I think Molars are on the way! He's had a few unsettled nights lately.

My two year old was an absolute tyrant until she could speak.

Now she can communicate she's polite, kind, funny - and generally so charming I'm dreading her going back to nursery next week.

Dropping her off used to be the highlight of my day!

Yikes, it does sound like he's going through an unusually difficult patch right now. While it's true there will be challenges for some time ahead (can't vouch all the way to 5 as my DD is about to turn 4), but the challenges change and in my opinion they are easier - a longer attention span, more ability to play with other children with less support/monitoring needed, better communication skills, more consistent sleep.....

Seconding the love-bombing idea. Sometimes it's better to avoid kids getting into the habit of having tantrums, just for a couple of days. I'm not saying to give him everything he wants, but a couple of days that are busy with activities can give you both a positive experience, and then you have lots of opportunity to praise him for positive behaviours instead of having to deal with negative ones.

I've find parenting books about positive parenting quite helpful. They just make me feel more confident in doing things that I already theoretically know I should be doing. Worth a shot? I quite liked the Calmest Toddler on the Block.

If he's not enjoying visiting the cousins, maybe leave these for a bit. It doesn't sound like pleasant experience for any of you, and he might be building up negative associations. Either see them somewhere different, or give him a break from it for a while.

Dogs are tricky. Do they need to have a walk, or would a run around with a ball do for once a day? I wouldn't lie to your DH, it'll just make you feel crap and anxious. If you can't do it, just be very calm when you speak to him and say that right now, you can't manage it.

The current situation is really tough with a toddler. It won't always be like this.

I will definitely look into giving this Love Bombing a try. It sounds quite cathartics to be able to just go with the flow with DS.

I think the dogs would be fine with a bit of time in the garden and a ball until the evening when either myself or DH could take them out. However DH absolutely does not agree, he would end up taking them out every morning and then throwing it in my face at every opportunity.

It's good to know that when he is able to communicate more things should improve. DH would like another child, however I am not keen on doing this all over again and prolonging the hard times.

I second reading some Janet Lansbury / listening to her podcasts.

I have a really short temper and struggle with any screaming / whinging etc. Lansbury talks about imagining you are the CEO of a big company, acting with calm authority. Sounds ridiculous but it has really helped me! DD responded well to me calmly acknowledging her feelings etc when she was having a meltdown. Its not ignoring, or giving in, but just sort of saying 'I hear how annoyed you are about x. Ill be in the kitchen when you are ready for a cuddle'. Not a magic fix but felt like the right sort of approach for us.

DD is 3 now and everything is 10000 x easier. She is a total delight.