I’ve just had a really challenging afternoon and need to vent. Basically I’ve started work again very part time, just 1.5 days a week. My mum offered to help with my five month old DD. I didn’t have the easiest childhood and have had to have a lot of therapy to repair some of the damage from the way I was parented. But I figured my Mum has changed a lot in the decades since then and I will be here (I am working from home) to check everything runs smoothly anyway. My Mum is a child protection social worker so officially a “Responsible Adult”.
My Mum being here was a disaster and I am Not Okay. DD was getting fussy and my mum was so mis-attuned to what she needed. Interrupting her feed, basically saying that she was a better parent than me because “she wanted to be with her child all the time” rather than work. In the end I politely told her to go home because DD just needs me right now.
DD has been quite distressed this afternoon, she has what looks like a teething rash on her cheeks. My mum said she stuck her finger in her mouth (!!)) and could maybe feel a tooth coming in at the top. DD is probably also overtired and hot and overstimulated (by my mum). I’ve given her some Calpol and a feed now and she’s asleep on me.
DD’s hair now stinks of cigarettes and perfume, which I can’t wait to wash out of her hair. I’ve realised that mixture of smells is actually triggering for me, I’m sitting here holding her because she needs to sleep and she has been very upset but I feel so disgusted and upset by the smell, it’s hard to stay with it.