Son opting out of seeing family

[FatMumSlim72]

FatMumSlim72
Aibu to want my 20 year old son to join me in meeting my parents and my sister and BIL on Friday, having not seen the latter two since November? We are due to meet outside at a NT park and only for a few hours. He is anxious about catching the virus and has not been out of our village for months, but I explained we would be safe being outside etc. He says he has seen them on Zoom and that is enough. I asked dh what he thought and he said I was pressurising our son. Don’t children sometimes have to think what would be nice for others and put themselves out?! I’m wondering if he is autistic or selfish or if I have too high expectations....so confusing. My 13 year old moaned about coming along but he then said he will and it will mean a lot to my family. My dh has very different views about how often to see family - ie as little as possible.

He’s 20 for goodness sake! Let him spend his time how he wants.

So because he's either anxious about his health or using it as an excuse to not spend 2 hours I na NT place seeing family, you think he's autistic??

He doesn't want to see them. He's an adult. Just go and enjoy it.

It's tricky ... my elderly DPs are very good to my 19 year old DS, very generous financially (monthly allowance to help him at Uni) etc etc and very kind and thoughtful towards him .. he enjoys their company & has been visiting during lockdown to help them (yes, I know it's against the rules) so I would have been disappointed if he had refused to see them.

Is your DS genuinely worried about coronavirus or using it as an 'excuse' not to see them?

"Don’t children sometimes have to think what would be nice for others and put themselves out?!"

At 20 he's not a child and can think for himself. His choices are his own.

Yes Ragwort, it's the disappointment. I just know my family would love to see him. It feels too easy just to say no all the time. Yet I do see it is his decision.
As for autism - it wasn't just in this regard but many instances over the years. Sorry that wasn't clear.

It's not for you to decide. It's up to him

You you feel it his anxiety that's the barrier, can you change the location to where he's more comfortable - like less people in your garden?

He's 20, he's past you being able to teach him what is nice to do. He knows what's nice and what isn't and it is his choice not to go.

I’d be more thinking that he needs some reassurance to start gradually going a bit further and socialising a bit. It’s understandable to feel nervous about it.

Might be good for him to start spreading out a bit, so that would be my motivation.

He's 20. He doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to. The more you pressure him the less he will want to go.

What’s the priority-going to the NT park or him being there?

If it’s the first-go anyway and do a Zoom call with family separately. If you want him to be there-invite family to you instead.

This sounds like you have chosen to go somewhere that most 20 year olds probably wouldn’t want to go, but you need him there too.

He's 20 so he's an adult. If u want to see family go, he doesn't have to.

I'll be honest from my teen years I would flat out not want to go see extended family because it was always boring, I didn't particularly have anything in common with or anything to talk about with them. It just made me annoyed with my parents for wasting my time doing what they wanted to do with people I didn't particularly like spending time with, i would rather have done school work etc. Once I went to uni I rarely saw extended family and I've been fine with it.