Autistic son (3) is driving me to a nervous breakdown

[Xusi]

I love him dearly but he doesn't listen to a word I say, any attempt to redirect his behaviour results in a screaming fit or me being hurt. He's aggressive and defiant and he's driving me mad.

His latest obsession is trying to pull down the living room blinds which are just about hanging on - for now. He's already damaged the threads so half of of the fabric slats flap about unattached and look ridiculous.

It's a huge window so the blinds are almost ceiling to floor and if they come down my landlord will tell me I have to replace them which I can't afford. I've spent the past hour repeatedly leading him away from them then as soon as I sit down he goes back and tries to pull them down. He likes the attention be it negative or positive.

Taking him out is a nightmare. He can't come out the pram because he thrashes around, throws himself on the floor and tries to run away.

He pinches me and bites me. My left arm is covered in small cuts where he has pinched me and dug his nails in.

The only respite I get is him being in his special needs nursery twice a week but now they've closed for the summer.

He has broken countless electrical items and tries to push the tv off the stand on a daily basis. He's got a ton of toys including sensory ones and he doesn't bother with them. He doesn't want to play with me unless it involves hurting me.

The only thing he likes is his tablet and when that goes dead I get attacked. He whines from morning until night.

I had to replace the oven last month because he yanked the door down that hard it came off Its hinges which was obviously his goal.

I could go on and on. It's miserable.

Because he isn't neurotypical the usual parenting styles don't work. I'm told to ignore the negative behaviour but how do I ignore the fact he's trying to destroy our property?

I am at my wits end and worried for the future because if he is this bad at 3 how on earth will I cope when he's 10.

I have another child of 15 months and her life is impacted too because I can't take her anywhere nice, DS will meltdown the whole time we are out. He can also be aggressive to her.

If I knew he was autistic before I fell pregnant with #2 I would have never had another child.

DH is on the scene but works long hours so can't help any more than he already does. He's bathing him right now and I'm just sat in the bedroom crying.

I'm so down and depressed. Please tell me it gets better

Oh no :( I know exactly what you're talking about OP, I have an Autistic 5 year old who was exactly the same at 3. As a disabled single mum it was hell and it sounds like it's just as hard for you, with your husband working long hours.

I guess I just wanted to say that I get it. Some may think we're exaggerating when we describe how incessant and soul destroying it is, but until you've been through it, nobody can fully understand. It does get easier though, I promise you.
Have you had a referral to CAMHS? Any outside support at all??

@Alwaysinpain

Oh no :( I know exactly what you're talking about OP, I have an Autistic 5 year old who was exactly the same at 3. As a disabled single mum it was hell and it sounds like it's just as hard for you, with your husband working long hours.

I guess I just wanted to say that I get it. Some may think we're exaggerating when we describe how incessant and soul destroying it is, but until you've been through it, nobody can fully understand. It does get easier though, I promise you.
Have you had a referral to CAMHS? Any outside support at all??

Thank you so much. I can't tell you how good it feels to know I'm not alone, though I wouldn't wish this on anybody and I'm sorry you've struggled too.

He has no CAHMS involvement, the only involvement we had with them was when they referred us on to his paediatrican for the autism evaluation pathway.

Hearing that it gets easier may have just saved my sanity today. I really needed to hear that.

Yes classed as non verbal although he can count and identify colours and shapes. I'm praying he learns to communicate which will in turn reduce the hostility (fingers crossed)

Is your little one verbal?

I didn’t want to read this and run. It sounds like you are having a really tough time. There is an SEN board which maybe more helpful. It doesn’t appear in active threads so you may not have seen it.

It sounds like you could do with a break. Could your partner take some time off? Even half days so you can have some time to yourself?
Are there any childminders who specialise with working with looking after children with additional needs so you can have some extra time to recoup?
What activities do the nursery do with him that he likes?
Could you contact his paediatrician / gp / health visitor for some advice?
Are there any local support groups for parents that you could attend?

I haven't seen the SEN boards I will search it out in a minute thank you

DH has not long taken a holiday from work so isn't able to take another anytime soon. He's not working tomorrow thankfully so I'm going to try and get out for a couple of hours on my own.

At nursery they do alot of sensory play such as playing with dry rice and pasta, play dough, mark making with paints, he loves the sand pit and water tray they have in the garden and the slide.

We don't have an outdoor space as we're in a city apartment which isn't ideal really. We're saving up to move but it's a while off being possible yet.

I've never used a child minder before because I've always worried they wouldn't be able to handle him, he's Dennis the menace times ten

Don't get me wrong he's my baby and I love the bones of him but he's an incredibly difficult little boy to parent.

I had a telephone appointment with his paediatrican a fortnight ago and updated her with where we're at. She's keen to get him into SALT asap as she believes communication will be key to lessening the frustration but there's no sign of the sessions starting again anytime soon.

She said medication is an option later on if he doesn't improve but i don't think either of us want to go down that route whilst he's still so little unless absolutely necessary.

Thank you for the replies. You're very kind.

My ds is the same. He is 6 now, and so strong, it really scares me. I don't know how I will cope as he gets bigger. One thing that did help was learning pecs. It gave him a way to communicate something he wanted, which reduced his frustration a bit. Also a vibration plate, the kind used for exercise, is really good for calming him. Lying him face down on an exercise ball and pushing on his back to bounce him was good when he was 3-4. Wrapping tightly in a piece of fabric (like a baby wrap sling). A dark tent, a hammock, a swing have all been moderately successful. Playfoam is a good sensory activity, so is play dough and magic sand. Water play is good for some (not ds, he can't stand being wet)

I couldn't read and run. Contact local special needs nurseries and schools, their staff will often work as PAs to kids outside of school hours, and take them out. They will be used to the behaviour challenges, and you get some respite. Loads of staff have done it on evenings and weekends where I've worked.

Some good suggestions there YCBS thank you! I'll give a few of those a go and see whether they help him. I hope so.

I'm sorry you struggle too. I can relate to DS being strong. He's very tall and stocky for his age, people assume he's around 5 and are shocked when I say he's just turned 3.

Thank you Givealittle I had no idea that was an option, his nursery didn't mention anything like that to me but if as it's a thing I will definitely look into it. Naively I hoped SN nurseries wouldn't be breaking up completely for 6 weeks but I understand they need a break too.

He has calmed down now and gone to bed, thank heavens. Until It begins again tomorrow

@Xusi Sorry! I had an early night.

Yes, very very verbal, so the opposite to your DS.

Never stops. Chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter and not all of it makes sense. I don't think it's necessarily 'better' or easier to deal with than if she was non-verbal. Of course I can only try and imagine what that must be like for you, both emotionally and practically.

I love my child to absolute pieces and would die for her and without her, but she drives me round the absolute bend.
She is generally a really happy, adorable child but she quite literally 'Polices' me (which may sound amusing from an outside perspective but when it's everything you do, down to the tiniest thing like how I'm sat or why I'm stood a certain way or why I'm putting cutlery away instead of plates for example; it becomes utterly soul destroying). Some days are great, some days are not so great. I just have to hope that mentally, I'm having a strong/positive day on her bad days 🤷🏼‍♀️
When she's doing her thing where she repeats every damn thing she tells me THREE TIMES and I'm struggling either emotionally or I'm in a lot of pain with my disabilities (or both), it can be very, very hard. Though still MASSIVELY easier to handle than when she was 3! At that age, I don't think they (children with ASD especially) can take in what they're not meant to be doing. Add in communication barriers such as them being non-verbal, then that must be ten times harder. It will improve tremendously as he gets a little bit older though, I promise you that. At the very least, things will be easier for you to cope with.

At school mine is often very over-friendly and full on with the other children and sometimes, I think they can be a bit overwhelmed with her. Which of course, leads to her being left out and frequently coming home upset at having had nobody to play with. I've tried sitting her down and explaining but she doesn't take it in.
I genuinely, wholeheartedly believe that Autistic children/maybe even adults too, have an ability to essentially 'switch off' their hearing. Again, I'm being deadly serious there. Some things just cannot be explained to her, no matter how simply they're put.

Hang in there and try as hard as you can to find joy in the positives

PS - I do realise all Autistic children are different and progress differently as they get older. However I guess I just wanted you to know that besides not being non-verbal, my DD was exactly the same at that age and attacked me too. I remember my blood would often run cold whenever an episode of her cartoon would end, as I knew I'd be attacked. To this day, even though she doesn't lash out anymore, I still feel my heart skip a beat whenever any programme ends, even something I'm watching!
If she broke a toy or it began raining when she wanted to play in the garden for example - I got attacked.
It did stop though. Now I just get a meltdown or a tantrum (depending on anger level) and get told very furiously how whatever-it-is is all 'my fault!'

I'm here anyway, if you need to talk

Please keep an open mind about medication. My SIL didn't want to medicate her son until he was suicidal at age 9. They gave him medication and he loves it and thrives. He says he finally feels peace in his own head. Turns out that he is actually a really good and nice kid (now an easy teenager) with a great sense of humor and a good friend. Previously he was frustrated, bullied, friendless and very, very unhappy. Medication can help, it's not turned him into a zombie but into someone who can finally live as a neurotypical child.

You poor thing, it sounds tough. I have a 9 year old with autism and another genetic condition which causes the autism and for us it has got a lot better over time. I can remember 3 as the hardest time, it is so much easier when there is a full time school routine.

At age 3 things that helped us were pecs (a book of pictures of things he liked) so he could communicate his needs. Routines (we used picture strips to show him what would be happening next), a weighted blanket and an indoor pod swing (e.g www.wayfair.co.uk/Freeport-Park--Amya-Pod-Hanging-Chair-GJOU3977-L165-K~FINT2866.html?refid=GX200082350062-FINT2866&device=m&ptid=425532427133&targetid=pla-425532427133&network=g&ireid=50121591&device=m&gclid=Cj0KCQjw3s_4BRDPARIsAJsyoLPfvS5WJO5AVNa4xTFge3gy2kHEjYJaLxMRCGdKFZLDGHlHt6Kx5_MaAuE2EALw_wcB)

We also started an aba programme at age 3. This was key in getting our son to speak but it can also be used to retrain behaviour. ABA consultants are expensive so I read up on the programme and trained some people to work with him at home. It was a lot of work but worth it long term.

Hang in there, it must be really tough at the moment with the pandemic but it is not that long until your son will be in school and you will get more of a break.