I have a really bright and capable son. He generally does well at school and has never really been a problem, but recently I’ve seen the normal teenage changes and tried my best to accommodate them.
For instance, through the pandemic, my son has wanted to go to bed in the early hours and wake up late afternoon. This is so he can socialise over SM.
Fine, I accepted this as I wanted him to keep in contact with others. There was a stipulation however, that whenever he woke up, on a school day he was expected to do 2-3 hours of School work.
Some days he has been better than others. Initially, we had more good days, where he has fulfilled his end of the bargain, but more recently (last 5 weeks) he has stopped bothering about school and has been neglecting his studies.
To begin with, I said that bedtime had to be earlier if he couldn’t stick to the plan. (Plus he looks exhausted). So I said 2am bedtime at the latest. However, he was taking his mobile phone to bed and staying on Snapchat after I’d gone to bed myself. He generally put it down around 6am.
I tried removing the phone, just out of the room after 2 am, just on the side in the hallway and I began switching off the internet, but again, after I’d go to bed he’d just go get it and turn the internet back on. To attempt this ‘compromise’ I had been staying up until 2am myself and getting up at 6am for my own work - but clearly that was futile.
Roll on to this week and I had a message from his teacher about all of his outstanding work. I’m livid. I pay £50 a month for his phone and the only thing we asked in return was, for him to make sure it didn’t distract him from his studies.
So Wednesday I snapped and took the phone off him following a warning that he would lose it if he didn’t get up and complete his school work, or at least make a mark on it. He ignored me and stayed in bed until 3.30pm, got up, took an hour long shower and then when I checked on him an hour later, was lounging on his bed on Snapchat.
Attitude: “so? It’s my life”
I told him we would try again Thursday and if he made an effort to get up by 11.30 and do his work, he could have his phone back. I called him at 11.30am, but again he ignored me, lazed around, took hours to get ready and began playing computer games.
So I refused to return his phone.
Roll on to today and I said, it’s the last day of term, make it count and you can have your phone. You guessed it, he did nothing and when I mentioned this, brought his lap down downstairs with English task open and said “I need your help, you do it”. This was followed by demanding his phone back and when I said no, he had not yet done what I have asked him to do, he began to scream, cry, tell me he hates me, tell me I’m ruining his life, that his school work doesn’t matter “it’s a pandemic!” and he must have used every swear words going.
I refused to engage, I just said that I pay for the phone, it is a privilege and it has always come with the expectation that he works for it (at school). That he has not kept to his end of the bargain and that I was not going to pay for it, for him to stay up all night, sleep all day and do nothing in between. That everyday he knows what he has to do to get his phone back, so it is only his decisions that have prevented this.
Cue more tantrums; door slamming and “ I hate you’s”.
I don’t know what to do. I feel like a failure. I am not even sure whether I’m in the right or wrong. I’m so tired.