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Anxiety around my mother in law. Advice desperately welcome

5 replies

BeanEm · 16/07/2020 20:36

Sorry for the long read, but I could really do with some advice.

I've got major anxiety around my mother in law taking the baby out for a walk. She has done it once so far, when they got back she'd put way too many layers on him and it was obvious he'd been crying a lot, if not the whole time they were out. He works himself up so much if you don't calm him down, we don't pander to him, but letting him cry it out doesn't work. He just gets worse and worse and I spent the rest of the afternoon/evening trying to calm him down and he as so overtired because he never had an afternoon nap!
I had told her before they went out that he doesn't need many layers as he is always quite warm, takes after his dad. But she was concerned because it was windy, but he was roasting hot when I picked him up! I told my partner and he just said 'she's old school' like thats an excuse...
I want to let her take him out again because, mentally, I could really do with just a couple of hours to myself, its been so intense recently. But honestly I think I would just spend the whole time worrying about what state he will be in when they get back!
Shes said to me before, "grandparents don't mind the crying because we can hand them back"

Am I being silly? We get on, but my partner is quite a bit older so his parents in turn are too, both in their 70s. We definitely aren't close and I don't feel I can tell her anything without being judged as the namby pamby millennial generation... I'm not overly paraboid as a mother but my partner keeps saying she wants to take him and why don't I let her help more. For my sanity I do need a rest but I'm so anxious.

On top of this, we are renovating our flat and really need to move out for a bit and the obvious thing would be to their house but I can't even bear the thought of that, I'm struggling in my own home with my emotions, let alone trying to do so somewhere I'm so anxious and uncomfortable.

Please, any advice is desperately welcome!!!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
MynameisHappind · 17/07/2020 07:10

I get it but for your own mental health let her keep taking him out, your baby wull be fine a bit sweaty or crying wont do him lasting damage.

Eggcellent29 · 17/07/2020 09:46

Overheating a baby is very dangerous! It could do him lasting damage. She needs to stop this. If you can’t trust her to follow instructions, I wouldn’t let her take him.

In regards to the crying, I wouldn’t like this either. It’s true that a bit of crying won’t do him harm, but why repeatedly stress him out? Like you say, it makes the rest of the day terrible for you both. He is crying because he had an unmet need and his carer at the time is ignoring him - it sounds like he may be crying because he is too hot!

I would knock it on the head. Or take baby for a walk yourself.

Disclaimer - I don’t let anyone take my baby out without me for these very reasons, so consider my advice with this in mind :) I would never, ever let my MIL take my baby for a walk on her own. Other Mums may have a more laid back approach!

Lockdownseperation · 17/07/2020 15:46

That’s not anxiety. Those are reasonable concerns.

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Floralprints · 17/07/2020 17:20

How old is your little one and do you still see health visitors or midwives? I've had something similar in that MILs technique differed from the current guidelines. I basically blamed the MW/HV and said they had explicitly instructed me to do it a particular way (current guidelines) and half rolled my eyes at how the rules always change (after the usual it-didn't-harm-mine retort). I hoped it came across as me being on her side but gave me a chance to point out the dangers by "quoting the midwife."
If that doesn't work, I would dress the baby ready for the walk and not provide the extra layers!

Probably best not to move in with them. It will only highlight the difference in parenting styles and make you feel judged and more anxious. Could you check Airbnb for short term options?

alexdgr8 · 17/07/2020 17:29

@MynameisHappind

I get it but for your own mental health let her keep taking him out, your baby wull be fine a bit sweaty or crying wont do him lasting damage.
this is dangerous advice. babies cannot sweat. that's the point. they get over-heated and cannot regulate. many cot death are due to inadvertent over heating.
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