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Single parent - "Do i have a dad"

7 replies

losttt · 15/07/2020 22:36

Im a single parent my dd is 7, its been me and her from day 1, bf freaked and left me. Hasnt had anything to do with her at all, never seen her, never heard from him etc etc.
Anyway, she has recently been (understandably) curious, seeing other people with dads has prompted questions.

Currently she knows:

  • Everyone has a mum and dad but not everyone has them both in their lives
  • Her "dad" is just the person who made her, but to be a "dad" you need to be there, care for them, raise them.
  • He was my bf but only mummy chose to raise her

So last night she asked his name, and if i have his number and i said i dont, (as i believe i have an old one for him) She also said do i have a picture, i said im not sure i need to check. But she left it as that and was fine.

I do have a pic, i kept them for exactly this reason but imagined she'd be much older when asked me.

My thoughts are - maybe shes too young for a pic, as this might make it far too real that he is a real person out in the world and i obv dont want her obsessing espesh at this age. Im not at all naive, i know this is just kicking a can down the road, but i feel 7 is slightly too young.

Also my approach has always been, tell her the truth as age appropriately as poss. Ive never wanted to say she doesnt have a dad or say anything bad about him.

I guess im asking for ppl who have been in this situation where the dad totally wasnt on the scene, what you said, how you handled it? Any tips?

Thank you x

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
IHaveBrilloHair · 15/07/2020 22:39

Bookmarking, just because I will come back but cant answer right now.

Weekends · 15/07/2020 22:46

Hi,

I'm a single parent to my 7 year old daughter. It's slightly different in terms of her understanding her life story (as she is adopted) but I do lots of talking about how all families are different etc etc and she's quite confident with that now. Todd Parr books are good for talking about different families.

Also of course totally different circumstances, but my daughter manages ok with the photos she has.

You know your little girl best. When were you thinking of talking about how babies are made? It might be best to clear up who her biological father is well before then so she can process the two things separately and not have 'the talk' as an emotionally charged conversation about how she came to be.

Good luck!

WishingOnABar · 15/07/2020 22:47

To cut a long story short I’ve told ds being a parent is a big responsibility and his bio dad decided he would not be able to do a good job so he has not been involved. I have said once ds is 18 and an adult, I will give him his dads details and he can see if they can get together as equals to get to know each other without there being any expectation of a parent / child relationship. I made sure to enforce how loved he is and that I love taking care of him, no digs or insults aimed at ex either. He’s been fine with it I think

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losttt · 15/07/2020 22:54

@Weekends went straight to amazon and have ordered the family book ❤️ you have no idea how long ive been looking for a book like this. The ones i found weren't quite right so thank you

OP posts:
losttt · 15/07/2020 22:56

@WishingOnABar I love that, about he decided he wouldnt make a good dad. Really useful :-) thank you.

Yes exactly, when theyre old enough than absolutely they can do as they wish.

So hard trying to be truthful but also protect their feelings xx

OP posts:
Weekends · 15/07/2020 23:00

😀 Enjoy!

Starlightstarbright1 · 15/07/2020 23:09

My Ds is 13 but not seen his dad since he was 3 . He has needed to know more as he got older .

I will have to wait and see when my Ds is grown up but I haven’t lied but have been honest about how he wasn’t able to put him first which is what you do as a parent .

I tried to balance between not having a mysterious figure he can fantasise about as some knight in shinning armour and not wanting him to grow up bitter and angry.

I think if she wants to see a picture I would show her.

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