Husbands aggression

[firsttimemama6]

Hi, I have a 3 week old baby and I have been expressing once a day so I can sleep and husband feed baby in the mornings before he starts work so I can catch up on sleep. This morning the baby wouldn't take its bottle as it seems to prefer the breast and it had been crying for 10/15 minutes so I came downstairs wanting to soothe and feed the baby myself as I could hear it crying. However husband got angry with me and told me to go back upstairs and he needed to be able to soothe it himself. The baby didn't stop crying though and I came down again a few minutes later only to be told to go back upstairs again and leave him with the baby, but I couldn't leave my baby crying knowing it was upset and I could help it. I asked my husband to give me the baby but he wouldn't and told me he needs to be able to soothe it himself, and when I tried to pick up the baby my husband kicked me away and slapped me to stop me and shouted (which I didn't want him to do to frighten and distress the baby further). I was very upset and told him I would phone the police so he gave me the baby and I fled upstairs and fed it. I think my husband is jealous that the baby needs something from me that he can't give it. He has been slightly aggressive in the past but I thought we were past that and our relationship has been good the past couple of years but this morning shocked me. I can't bring myself to phone the police as i know he will he arrested and this happened once before and he was let off with a warning but I think it would be more serious this time. I don't want that drama or to do that to my baby's father as I know there would be serious consequences. He kept coming into the bedroom where I was feeding though telling me I have mental issues and he's going to tell our health visitor I'm not coping with our baby. This doesn't scare me as I know I am coping and am doing well. I just don't know where to go from here as I don't think I want to be with a man like that anymore but obviously we live together with our beautiful new baby and I need his help looking after it.

Are you safe? Phone the police.
Get some real life support.
Or are you waiting till he takes his aggression out in your child?

i just don't know where to go from here

As far away from your husband as possible.

Sorry but he’s abusing you and this will only get worse. You need to protect yourself and your baby.

Can you speak to your hv in private? Do you have family you can turn to?

He hit you, OP. You must, must leave.

Please don't consider leaving your baby alone with him. Frustrated people can't deal with a crying baby... Angry abusive ones anyway.
Imo.
Making plans to leave or have him removed by the police is the way forward op.. Is he on the bc?

Sorry realised he is your dh...

He assaulted you. You do need to call the police, and YOU need to have a serious discussion with the health visitor.

You need to get him out of your life before he also assaults your child. Your child should not be exposed to this growing up. It will not make for a safe, stable and happy home. You can do better on your own.

Also, you have admitted yourself that you are coping with the baby. You are doing well and you can continue to do well, and even better, without him.

I wouldn't let him even have any contact with your child once separated.

Don't try to convince yourself that he is a great father in spite of all this. He isn't or he wouldn't behave like this in the first place. He is an abuser who will continue to abuse you and also your child.

You and the baby are not safe with that man. He’s had his warning already. Time to phone the police.

I could forgive it if it was the first time (I did that years ago myself) but as you have found out a first time leads to a second.

Now I know better about these things. It’s the anger behind it that they can’t control.

Now it’s combined with jealousy because you can do something he can’t and it makes him feel inferior. And he can’t handle that. He feels superior to you and wants control over ‘his’ household. That won’t change.

You can’t win with this man. He is no good for your child.

And if he gives you a good shove and you accidentally bang your head and die (god forbid) he will be the one looking after your baby as he will say ‘she fell, officer’ but I can look after the baby....

He can’t handle a child. You know that deep down. Your child would be permanently cowed in fear of his anger. You know how challenging children can be at the best of times.

You have to be safe to look after dc.

He can’t handle one incident of difficulty, he’d have years of it. You know he would lose it and hit the child or punish the child for normal child behaviour because if his anger issues.

Added to that is that he is now trying to frighten you off phoning for help because he knows he shouldn’t have done that. But if he threatens you with saying your mental health is bad he thinks you will keep your trap shut for fear the baby will be removed (which is rubbish by the way).

It’s him that needs removed.

Please phone the police. You deserve better. Let them decide how best to handle him. If he’s done nothing wrong he has nothing to fear.

This is more than just frustration and jealousy. Aggressive people rarely change for good IMO, even if they really try. There's always something that gets the better of them and they revert to type. This is not a safe environment for you or your baby.

Not only did he lash out physically, he then followed up with a nice attempt at mental abuse, which makes his behaviour even worse. I suspect he doesn't like to be contradicted and feels undermined - this isn't going to get any better. Parenthood is full of disagreements about how to handle your children. Take this as your warning and get out this relationship before things get worse.

Thank you everyone. I know if it was someone else I would advise them to phone the police too, but I just can't bring myself to as I know it will have serious consequences for him, all our neighbours will see him being taken away, social services may get involved and it is very final and I need time to think before I do something so drastic. He adores the baby and with the exception of this morning which was in front of her, I know he would never harm or frighten her. It was me he was angry with. I also know though that I can't put up with that in a relationship and I don't want to, especially when he has since denied he kicked and slapped me and tells me I have issues and am at fault. I don't have any family nearby and I don't feel I can talk to close friends or family about it as they now he has been a bit aggressive in the past and think it is history and I don't want them to think badly of him until I have decided what to do. I am going to move into the spare room with the baby for now until I have a plan and clear my head, get some sleep and look after our baby and stay out of his way as much as possible.

That really isn't a great plan. He is a ticking time bomb, a similar situation will happen again and by half leaving him you are stoking the fire. It is absolutely critical you call the police, if you don't when you do finally leave or he does hurt you or your child you won't have the evidence to support and further family court hearing.

Your relationship mirrors mine with my ex. I did call the police every time he hurt me. This was rare but becoming more frequent. My word against his so never got to court. However when I did finally leave his violence stepped up because he knew he was no longer in control. I initially stayed in the spare room. His violence and aggression got worse had to leave left to my parents who were a daily three hour commute from work. I couldn't bare him having access was so worried about abduction and harm. My police reporting was so important at court. He attacked me twice in court from this I got a restraining order the the child arrangements order I needed to keep my child safe. Now in a fantastic relationship with a man who loves me dearly and a baby on the way. You are on the beginning of a hard hard journey but there is light at the end of the tunnel do not give up hope x

I totally understand where you’re coming from, but by denying his own behaviour and claiming it’s all your own issue this man is gaslighting you. If you don’t get away from him, he will start to get under your skin and into your head. Act now while you can see it for what it really is - unacceptable physical abuse.

The man is a shit. He isn't a good father, let alone a good partner. You don't know that he won't hurt the baby eventually. And besides, screen if he didn't but he hits you, your baby will either witness it, or realise at some point.

All this "but a baby needs a father/the father should be in the baby's life" is crap unless they are actually a good father and a good person. I don't get why some people on this forum go to such lengths to try to get their children to have contact with shit men.

Call your health visitor. Contact social services. Call the police sooner rather than later. (Call police first though). Inform them of everything. Get out of there and don't give a flying crap if he gets arrested and people should think badly of him, he's a turdburger. Don't put him before the safety of you or your baby.

He told you that you have mental issues because he's panicking now and trying to lay the blame on you!

Oh honey you need to get away from him, it’s only going to get worse. He’s trying to make you question your sanity, and there is absolutely nothing that says he won’t also harm your baby if he gets frustrated enough. You and your baby deserve so so much more than this. Even if you don’t want to call the police, have someone with you when you end the relationship and make sure he takes everything of his when he leaves, and leaves his keys too

I know he would never harm or frighten her

Yet...

Your husband is abusive. You and your baby are very vulnerable. I understand that you don't feel able to call the police right now. But please call the National DV helpline on 0808 2000 247 or contact Women's Aid (you can do web chat, email, or find your local service): www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Op the best way to hurt the mother is to hurt the child. My fear is that he is unpredictable. If you don’t report this to the police and you break up and he gets joint custody your child may not be safe with him.

If your baby was older, his behaviour would have harmed and frightened her.

You need to protect your child and yourself from this man.

It is him causing the 'drama', not you. What did he do last time that meant he got a warning?

You are putting your child at risk by staying. Leave now and call the police. Anything else is irresponsible.
I don’t have a perfect marriage and having a baby made our relationship a bit strained but if my DH had tried to stop me getting to our baby I’d have been gone in minutes. No exceptions.

The problem is OP if you don't call the police then the abuse will be difficult to prove later on when you need it - you won't be entitled to legal aid for divorce and getting him out of the house is a hell of a lot easier when you have provable abuse.

I know you don't want to ruin his life but the thing is, it's not you that's ruined it, it's him. You shouldn't shield him from consequences, or nothing will change. He's hit you and you did nothing, so he'll hit you again. And next time he might really hurt you.

What did he do in the past?

OH OP, you really do need to call the police. I know it's a serious step, but his behavior is serious.

You say He adores the baby and with the exception of this morning which was in front of her, I know he would never harm or frighten her.

It's been 3 weeks, THREE WEEKS, that's all, and this has happened. Just think about that, he's only been able to control himself for 3 weeks and I'd be pretty sure that he did frighten her.

Babies are hard, people more tired than they've ever been, and they cry a lot! What's going to happen the next time she's crying and he can't settle her? Please act now before things get any worse.

Domestic violence is child abuse.

He is already abusing your daughter. She is not even a month old and he is already abusing her.

If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for her. She is totally and utterly dependant on you for her wellbeing and survival. Currently, she is not being protected from her abuser.

PPs have given you resources you can access, but ultimately this has to come from you.

You know this is wrong and you know that you need to take action. Your daughter is relying on you - you must not let her down.