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Original poster

Changed my mind... only want one child

24 replies

dejags · 17/09/2002 10:44

As some of you may know DH and I have been trying to conceive our second child for a while now. I have had the strangest change of heart recently and have gone from wanting another child desparately to not wanting to have another in the space of a week. DH is obviously confused and upset and he really wants another child (although he says that if it's not what I want then he will go with that).

I can't really pinpoint why the change of heart, I just have this overwhelming sense of wanting to maintain the status quo. I also feel really happy with the way things are going with DH & DS - we have an ordered existence and I suppose I am terrified of upsetting the applecart.

Have any of you decided just to have one child and has that always been what you wanted?

Sorry for this rambling post I just needed to get this off my chest.

Dejags

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karenanne · 17/09/2002 11:18

hi
i too have decided on only one.my dd is now 2 and a half and all everyone keeps aksing is whens the next one?when i tell them we are only having one they look at me as if im mad or even tell me im cruel.i did have a few probs when pregnant but although that did help us to make the decision we just feel happy with the dd we've got.shes well adjusted and very sociable and doesnt get evrything she wants ..as people think she'll be spoilt rotten,i just feel deep down that i dont want anymore.i guess im lucky dp agrees,but i would just talk to your dh and explain you just want to stay at one for the moment,im sure he'll understand and in time (unlike me)you may change your mind again!

FrancesJ · 17/09/2002 12:59

Well, I wanted two (although I didn't say that after the birth of no 1) but Mum only ever wanted one (me, of course). I know that she got quite a lot of stick for it (this being the mid-seventies and all when small families were rarer) but I don't think she's ever regretted her decision. So I know I'm not talking from personal experience, but I'd say always, always go for what feels right for you - and never be afraid of changing your mind either way. By the way, I had a lovely, really happy childhood with lots of friends to play with. Just thought I'd mention it in case elderly aunties try to 'guilt trip' you with the only child stereotypes as they certainly tried to with my Mum.

philly · 17/09/2002 13:20

This may be out of turn,or not what you want to hear but DH and I tried for our second for some time and I had very similar feelings to you after a while,they came on suddenly just as you say has happened to you I also felt that I loved my elder ds so much that I had no room for more.I wonder now if it was a way of protecting myself if I did not become pregnant again although I certainly was not conscious of this.As you can gather I did get pregnant although the feelings of uncertainty remained until that blue line appeared and then the elation was greater than the first time and I have to say now that I wouldn't change a thing,I would have been happy with one ,no doubt my career would be in better shape and I would never critisize anyone for making that choice,my younger son's best friend has no siblings and a nicer child you could not hope to find but I do feel that our childrens lives and our own have been enriched by having siblings and I also know that my father ,an only one,feels a tremendous burden of responsibility towards his elderly parents and has no siblings to share this with.

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Families General parenting

SueDonim · 17/09/2002 13:31

There's been quite a lot of discussion on mumsnet about this very subject, dejags, which you might like to read. I'll have to post them in separate messages as it seems impossible to put two links into one post here. Here's the first one

SueDonim · 17/09/2002 13:32

Number TWO

SueDonim · 17/09/2002 13:33

The third link

SueDonim · 17/09/2002 13:35

And another

Batters · 17/09/2002 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twink · 17/09/2002 14:10

There's another thread here which might be of interest too.

Croppy · 17/09/2002 14:15

Baffling isn't it Batters. I wish someone could eaxplan why the desire to have only one child incites such animosity?

IDismyname · 17/09/2002 22:54

Dejags
We tried for about 2 years for number 2, and I just realised, over the space for a few months that it was putting a strain on our marriage, and that yes, I was happy with just the one.
I sat dh down one evening andtold him, and was surprised that he actually supported me in my decision.
Coil is now fitted, and life can go on, as far as I'm concerned...
Good luck. Trust your instincts!

Viv · 18/09/2002 10:03

Dejags, go with what feels right, my dd is now 5 and an only one and despite ups and downs about wanting another one, once I reconciled my thoughts when she was about 21/2 I became so much more content and dd and I became so much closer and have a wonderful relationship.
Good luck and thinking of you.

sb34 · 18/09/2002 12:07

Message withdrawn

sb34 · 18/09/2002 12:08

Message withdrawn

Clarinet60 · 18/09/2002 19:19

sb34, I know what you mean. Last yr, just after my first miscarriage, people I'd just met kept asking when I was going to have another child. It almost makes you want to blurt out all the sad details just to see them squirm.

sobernow · 18/09/2002 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ionesmum · 18/09/2002 22:55

My mum was certain as soon as I was born that she didn't want any more children. I loved being an only child and although I want another baby it is because I do, not because I think that dd 'needs' a sibling. So many of mine and dh's families have siblings that they either don't connect with or openly dislike, I can really understand not wanting to upset a harmonious family.

Bobbins · 18/09/2002 23:07

After I had my son, my auntie kindly called me a couple of weeks later. I was sore and hassled and said I thought one was enough. She said that I'd change my mind, and implied that it was selfish to have only one, as he'd lose out.(she just has one child and has had loads of failed attempts at having more). At the time I thought that if i had another one (as the first seemed so co-operative and lovely) I might always compare the next negatively. I think each to their own. I know friends that have one child at the moment that now think that because of our experience they should have more.

I'd love to be able to afford (or just be in the situation to have) a big brood or just one smashing one. Anything would be good. Do what you want and count your blessings I say.As long as a child has love nothing is wrong.

Lindy · 18/09/2002 23:18

Some very good points have been raised here, I too am perfectly content with my one child and will not have another - although DH would like another, but respects my point of view. I also hate being asked ' is he your first ?' Why should it be 'selfish' to only have one, surely that way the only child has all the love & attention from the parents - so how can that be 'selfish'? I ususally don't bother to explain the many reasons why I wouldn't want another & just say 'because of my age - 44' which does shut people up but actually that is not the main reason.

Agree that it is an entirely personal choice, I have made similar comments on the other threads about siblings not getting on so I won't repeat them here - but everyone must make their own decision, which should be respected.

susanmt · 19/09/2002 13:28

Funny enough, I have 2 and have decided to stop (want to keep my kidneys, dont want any more anyway) and people are always smiling knowingly and saying in a condescending manner 'Oh well, just wait'. Seems that no matter what you do with your choices on children there is someone who will be negative about it. I am the eldest of 6 (amalgamated stepfamily who all get on very well) and I dont know when my Dad and stepmum ever slept. I certainly couldn't go there, but I know several people who want to. Its you choice, you have to do what you are happy with! I think thats the way to have a happy child and a happy family!

Katherine · 24/09/2002 09:16

I know when I was expecting my second that I had lots of worries about caring enough for two, dividing my attention etc. Like you said I was happy with the status quo why would I want anything to change? But it did change and I am happy now and expecting my third.

The mind is a funny thing. It may be a way of protecting yourself from frustration of not getting pg again. It may be fears of rocking the boat like I had. On the other hand it could be a perfectly rational descision like so many mums have decribed her.

As long as children are loved and secure I don't think anyone has the right to say what is best for them other than mummy and daddy. You have to do what is right for you.

parent · 24/09/2002 17:23

When I had my second child I found it very hard for the first couple of months. As you do get used to looking after one, and you find yourself thinking where the extra hours in the day are going to come from to suddenly look after two. But a routine soon develops and before long your a pro and quite adapt to looking after two.

Clarinet60 · 24/09/2002 17:39

When, parent? My second is 4 months and I'm still all at sea. And up a gum tree.

parent · 24/09/2002 23:12

I must be lucky with my second. She does still sleep alot though

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