Aggressive/rude behaviour 8 year old

[Sp1rited]

Help!! I am at my wits end. My 8 (nearly 9) year old son has a lot of trouble controlling his emotions at home. He has always been strong willed, and has always had periods of having outbursts however, this 'phase' is pushing me to my limit. He is very big and strong for his age. When tired/asked to do something he doesn't like/told off, he often deals with it by getting into a rage. He shouts in our faces and then the next step is to physically lash out....either a hit/kick/throw something at us etc. He talks back ALL the time. I just don't know what to do anymore! I don't know what's normal and what's not either. He is an angel at school (apparently he can control his emotions there because he doesn't want to get in trouble) and when I tell people what he's like, they find it hard to believe because he's so good. He is very mature, and pretty emotionally intelligent for his age. He gets good grades and has lots of friends. If this had just been happening since lockdown, I may pass it off as that, but every year or two we have phases like this. I vividly remember a very difficult patch around 2 years ago. I research parenting techniques, educate him on anger and come up with ways he can calm down...BUT when he goes into a rage, that all goes out he window and I/my husband become the punching bag. Has anyone else been through this? Any recommendations for techniques that actually worked? I constantly worry for his mental health, but find it so hard to know if this is a mental health issue or part of bringing up a strong willed/spirited child. I have reached out to our local support services so hopefully they will help. We don't have any grandparent support which doesn't help as we are always together. Anyway, sorry for the rant! Any help welcome xx

It's a mental health issue.
Please see about taking him to the gp asap.
If this isn't caught in time it could turn into a personality disorder.

I'm sorry you are going through this. But seek help. And keep seeking help. His behaviour is not normal.

And in the mean time, don't be slow to be strict on him. Or you'll have a bloody tough time when he is 13 and up in your face.

Oh and, removing screen time on devices is a useful punishment.

Does he have a mobile phone? Tech and playing inappropriate games? Access to online unsupervised?

Have you called Young Minds? They will call you back if you leave a message.

They have have some suggestions or recommendations.

youngminds.org.uk/

Watching with interest as my 4 year old is exactly like this and I worry what to do about the violence if it continues as she gets older. No helpful advice but sending sympathy.

My son was like this from a young age but it wasn’t just at home- it was in all environments. I suspect he might have PDA but they don’t diagnose that here. It’s taken years for me to work out how best to “handle” him. He is 11 now and a real dream. Although I realise the teen years are still to come.

What has worked for him (and I realise this may be the last thing you feel like doing) but really love bomb him. Make your tone when speaking to him really light and non confrontational. When asking him to do things he mightn’t want to do make it a choice rather than an order. Eg: “DS do you want to tidy your room by yourself or do you want me to help you?” With consequences try and make them logical consequences. So if he throws his iPad during a tantrum then he isn’t ready to have an iPad yet because he doesn’t understand how to look after it. So he can have it when he has shown maturity and respect for belongings. Don’t set a time limit on it- set a behavioural expectation on it. When he tantrums, walk away and leave him to it. Don’t react, don’t try and shout or punish him. You wait until it’s over and he has had some time to calm down and you ask him if he is ready to tidy up/fix what he has damaged and apologise for his behaviour. If he isn’t ready- that’s fine, tell him to come and find you when he is ready to apologise. Then when that happens you sit down and ask him to identify which behaviours were poor choices and ask if he knows of any ways he could have reacted that would be appropriate. Tell him his anger isn’t bad behaviour- it’s a normal feeling that everyone has- but how he acts when he is angry is up to him and he has to choose the right way to deal with his anger. Point out that poor choices only result in him getting in trouble, whereas good choices result in him getting praised. And make sure you do praise him every time he makes the right choice. Now- this won’t be a magic fix. It takes time and real consistency.

There’s probably more I cant think of right now but I’ll come back if I do think of them. It’s been such a long process that I forget what worked in the earlier days.

@smallsteps88 great advice.. I find the praising good behaviour hard to seem genuine. We had similar training at work for managing problem employees and praising them was the hardest part.

My friend has a consequence jar it's like the unlucky dip for her kids 🤣

Great advice here. I'd just say reduce gaming and screen time, it seems to bring out the worst in some children. I would keep a diary of what his triggers are and what does and doesn't help. If you think there is some oppositional defiance going on, it may help to offer two choices. Also offer rewards.

Instead of tidy your room, say do you want to tidy your room before we go to the park, or after? He may of course not do it after, but at least you've learned something. So you would say, do you want to tidy your room, or clear all the toys from the garden, before we go to the park, as though you are assuming he will do it, rather than asking him to do it.

You need clear boundaries and clear rules. He must know if he kicks of and is abusive, he goes to his room and has no iPad/Xbox etc for 1 day.

If he says sorry, it's a good sign.

Get professional help if possible.

Also- try and notice what triggers him and work out if there are ways to avoid this. Like doing things in a different way or having someone else ask him to do something if he only reacts with you.

A lot of the angry reactions is because it’s a habit he has formed and it just happens without him actually thinking about it. If you can reduce the likelihood of tantrums it gives him a break from feeling like the bad kid, always getting told off and also gives him a chance to see he can go for long periods without acting that way. I used lots of “DS I’ve noticed you haven’t had any angry tantrums in two day- you must be trying really hard. I’m very proud of you.” Even if it was just a case of there not being anything to trigger him rather than him making better choices- it gave him the idea that he was in control and could manage his behaviour better by himself.

Is he apologetic afterwards? Any remorse/shame?

I agree with the games consoles btw. We haven’t had one in the house for two years now and it’s made a huge difference. They’re so addictive.

I find the praising good behaviour hard to seem genuine.

It is! It didn’t come naturally me at all and I know DS could tell I was patronising him at times but I just stick with it. It’s nice to be told nice things about yourself even if you suspect it’s not true!

Could it be stress outside the home and he feels „safe“ releasing his emotion with you?

Thanks for all your replies, lots to digest. He has very little/no access to screen time as it is. He doesn't have a games console or regular access to a tablet.

@fascinated yes he does. Once the rage has passed, he always get very remorseful and sorry. It's why I need to find a way to help him. When he's in the rage, nothing helps.

@Smallsteps88 thank you so much for your message. It's always good to hear that others have been through it. Really good advice, and advice I do try to follow but is hard when we've all been cooped up together for such a long time! Love bomb will start today :)

I am waiting on help. I have self referred to our local youth mental health services. I will probably book a gp appointment next week too. @christinarossetti19 thank you for the link, I hadn't heard of young minds but will follow that up too.

Thanks everyone xx

but is hard when we've all been cooped up together for such a long time!

It is very hard. It’s really like putting on an act and maintaining it constantly until it becomes natural habit. Don’t beat yourself up for struggling with it. And if you find you are- go and sit in the car or garden or your bedroom until you’ve taken some deep breaths and reminded yourself of the goal.

@Sp1rited did you ever get anymore information on this? Any updates? I could have written this word for word except my boy was only going on 4 when you originally posted. So, he’s now 8 (nearly 9). We have tried OT, checking vitMin levels and are meeting with his PCP today.

That sounds really tough, it’s exhausting when your child’s big emotions escalate like this, especially when there’s aggression involved. You're definitely not alone in this either!

It sounds like his nervous system is going into fight-or-flight when he's overwhelmed or feels criticised. In my clinical work (I support children and parents with anxiety, low mood and behaviour), I often help parents put a few consistent things in place:

1. Making sure there's a calm, predictable wind-down routine to reduce the number of tired/rage moments
2. Trying to name the emotion first before addressing the behaviour (eg. “I can see you’re feeling really frustrated right now” before setting the boundary)
3. Chatting after an outburst about what was going on for him and what might help next time
4. And working out together a safe way he can release the feelings (stomping feet, squeezing a pillow etc) that’s not hurting anyone

Hopefully some of those are helpful, good luck!