long - introvert at my wits' end - advice on a baby/toddler that won't just "be" for 30 seconds?

[GinsbergsGoblet]

hi,

my son is 15 months old. when he was a newborn, we had some feeding issues (BF failed despite skin to skin, forming a good bond, no tongue tie, he just used to scream rather than latch so we had to formula feed despite interventions/help from midwife, HV, even my local BF support group). no other health issues and he's been contentedly formula fed from a few days until a year. now onto cow's milk, no allergies, weaning is going well, he's on 3 solid meals a day. sleeps right through the night most nights unless something genuinely wrong like a leaky nappy.

all good.. except.. his default state is crying! And he never just seems to “be” without stimulation for more than 10 seconds. It’s utterly utterly exhausting.

it's been like this since he was born...

as a newborn, he would just scream unless being fed, going to sleep, being shown (front facing) out the window or looking through shelves, or being entertained with a shiny object,etc
would never just be held- literally never fell asleep on me, ever, unless completely exhausted by crying.
took until about 5 months old to tolerate being held/rocked in arms.

These days as a toddler he doesn’t like hugs (pushes you away), if I put the TV on cartoons/Disney he’ll look over at it if it’s a familiar song but ignore it after 5 seconds, is desperately trying to move from cruising to walking…

I had a check up with the health visitor last week and explained I’m concerned that myson never, ever during waking hours just “is” for more than a few seconds, needs constant stimulation, screams when I leave the room (separation anxiety)…

There’s no tiredness, I watch for cues like a hawk, naps well. No external childcare as I’m here looking after him fulltime, so I don’t think separation anxiety has been made worse by childcare. I’ve tried strategies like singing songs while folding washing so that I can get SOMETHING done, but he just sits and cries at me. Same with trying to involve him – talking to him (“mum’s looking through the cupboard for the salt now, mum’s putting salt on the food now…”)… just cries constantly.

The only time I get respite is sitting next to him, on the floor, and playing with his toys, with him. He’s happy if his dad does the same.

Evenings are miserable, we can’t have a proper meal together, often I give up talking because he just screams over me so what’s the point, I can’t hear myself think! Does the same to dad if dad talks. I can’t watch tv because I don’t get 2 minutes of relief just to SIT down and stare at the wall for 15 seconds without my son demanding attention, by 7pm I’m mentally shattered from being “on” all day long.

He's my first and only so I don’t know if this is how he is, or if my undivided attention for 15months has turned him into a toddler that basically can’t entertain himself for even 10 seconds.

please please please tell me this will get better! i have friends with babies and none of them are this high needs.. i've seen one friend pop her baby who's a week older than mine onto a playmat and she got to drink a cup of tea without being constantly "on" and interacting 100% of the time with her baby or else crying... it made me so jealous.

Wow that sounds exhausting. Hopefully someone has a similar experience to share. My first was high needs but chilled out by about a year old. He cried and whinged a lot. And wouldn’t be by himself.

i've also tried stuff like popping my son in the middle of me and his dad on the couch with a few toys between us, for the different view/perception, but all he does is look at each toy for 2 seconds, then throw it far away, and within 15 seonds start crying in the middle of us again.

if i could just get 10 minutes to sit down in an evening, even 5, life would be so much better, but i don't know how to start enabling my son to learn it's ok to be bored, and i struggle to just ignore him if he's crying.

Oh OP, I completely understand what you are going through. It is completely relentless.
My DS (5 now) was exactly the same. Never happy. He got slightly better once he could walk and then again once he could talk and communicate properly but tbh he still isn't the easiest child. I never realised how difficult his babyhood was until I had my second child and could put her down.
I used to leave groups and classes because he would just cry. I never really bonded with my NCT group as I would inevitably leave any get togethers early, usually in tears.
I went back to work part time purely to get some peace!
I do think having some time to yourself is important - can you put him in to nursery for a few hours? Or would a family member help you?

Leave him for few hours with his dad at home to start. Go out get fresh air etc alone.
Get a break.
Book him into nursery two half days or full days a week.
Then after few months get feedback from nursery or experienced childminder if there is any thing you need to assess.

This was Dd. So I feel your pain.

Always a high needs baby and got worse as a toddler. Jesus it was hard.

She's now 21 months and is a little better.

Things that got me ten minutes

I bought a cheaper version of a tuff tray. When she's napping I put something different in it.

So paper and crayons.
Toy cars.
Washable pens.
Paint.
Gloop, cornflour and water.
Clothes pegs.
Play dough.

Then she will play for a short period herself. Added problem is she's an eater, so can't turn my back for a second, because she will eat all of the above.

Walks, big long walks. Twice a day. I got a second hand trike and take that, mix of walk and push. Further she walks, easier she is. When she mastered walking life improved. We use reins as well.
Someone gave me a baby walker push along thing which I was surprised she loved. Helped her move about a bit as part of it was frustration.

Finding something on telly. This was trial and error. For her, she will only watch a local music lady. Nothing else. Can get that in you tube. This week she has shown an interest in gruffalo but that's a first.

Big pile of books, all the books. Into a box and she will spend ten minutes taking them out and looking at them.

Emptying a kitchen cupboard. I've filled one with Tupperware and that gives me ten to make tea.

Soft play type course. So pillows, cushions duvet cover to crawl, roll over.

Really is hard though. I think once walking you will see a difference. I think Dd was about 14 months for that and things certainly got better. She's still a clingy child but that's more in company. If it's just her and I she will play better now.

DS1 was similar at that age, my over riding memories of that time are of him crying. He would at least nap but then would scream and tantrum for an hour when he woke up. Bed time he screamed for anything from an hour to 2 hours before sleeping. DH and I sat with him in shifts until he dropped off. Like someone else said, he seemed to improve when a milestone was passed eg. sitting, crawling, walking...but then moved on to thenext frustrtion. He just didnt seem to like being a baby! He is a stroppy 14 year old now and nothing he has done since has been anywhere near as hard as the first 2 years were. Hold on in there, it will pass.

May I recommend child care so that you can at least get some respite? Has he ever gone to other family members for a few hours? How is he outside and around other people? Is he bored do you think perhaps with being stuck inside with lockdown?

My eldest was a miserable baby and cried constantly for the first few months of his life. He was the same, had to be held for naps, generally was just never content. He had reflux (and we now think a possible CMPA but we didn't find that out until he was 3!) and once we got that better with medication and weaning, he was a much happier baby. By 15 months he would happily entertain himself with toys plonked in front of him while I pottered about. He was late to crawl and walk, but never seemed frustrated by this.

He's still hard work now. He's 7 and it's becoming apparent he has SN in some form.

DS1 was like this. I put him in nursery and went back to work pt. Felt 1000 times better. He's now 17, very bright and independant. I honestly think childcare saved my mental health in those very early years.

thank you all his dad does take him for hours at a time to give a break, in fact often so i can get a lie in which he never takes me up on in turn

no other family nearby locally to help even if lockdown wasn't in place for the last few months. nursery not an option due to £s even if there were any open locally, i don't know the covid situation re: childcare as i've never used it. i'll leave it in my back pocket as a backup option to look at if things don't improve with the walking milestone. even then, we'll be taking up the free childcare hours ASAP once eligible.

i completely empathize with having to walk out of classes, gorups etc due to being the mum who can't quiet down her screaming baby, unless sitting close/interacting directly.

icedaisy those are amazing suggestions, i will steal all of those ideas!!

Has he ever gone to other family members for a few hours?
no, no one alive or local to take care other than me and his dad here.

How is he outside and around other people? Is he bored do you think perhaps with being stuck inside with lockdown?
he's vvv quiet and absolutely fascinated when we're outside, never cries if we explore streets and roads and especially shops or anything with complex sights. i often go to the shop to buy essentials just so that i get out of the house and he can stare in silence/awe of (say) the rows of tins of beans in the shop or the refridgerator aile!! he's always smiling and fascinated by other people, babbles in the shop etc.

so outside the home it's like a different baby. i'm sure lockdown hasn't helped socialisation skills

sorry i should clarify,when i wrote "outside the home it's like a different baby." i really mean as long as he's seeing something complex

like, if i went to a baby sensory class with a single room in a community centre room, put him on a blanket, he'd scream and scream unless i was interacting directly/ALL the time. when people and babies start to arrive it would get better, but not by that much. if i turn away or nip to the loo there would be a meltdown BUT this isn't new with being older, he'd always cry as a newborn, there was NO point where separation anxiety kicked in, it's always been the same.

but if i take him to aldi and show him bottles of water, talking about them in turn i could spend an hour doing that and he'd be quiet the entire time!

it's also interesting that i have a friend who's a childminder who visited a few times before lockdown and she couldn't get him to calm down either, even if i was in the room. one time she was here for about 6hrs and the entire time she tried loads of "tricks" but it was the same situation, we were mostly in the living room but it was the same - if he's awake he's crying unless i'm sitting down at his level interactingn direclty

Sounds like my reflux baby.
I love my youngest dearly but he's a very individual character even at the grand age of 7 he isn't very huggy and I've come to accept that its just who he is. He has hugs on his terms only and he's very independent. He doesn't have any sen he is just who he is.

My first cried a lot too. It is exhausting and it is also part of their character. Interestingly as he grew up he’s always been very keen to let us know how he feels about things rather than bottling it all up. It made going through the teenage years a lot easier because he would always come and talk when he was worried bout something.
My second was what you would call a model baby- rarely cried, appeared content etc . Now as a older teen he is a closed book and getting him to express how he feels Is really hard.
Which was easier? In the early days DS2 without a doubt, but as teenagers DS1.
The trouble is at 15 months your wee one lacks the communication skills and language to let you know how he feels and crying is the only way to do it. I don’t know much about baby sign language but perhaps something like that might help him??

Yes to boosting communication Manaton signs watch mr tumble.
Show him photos of the aldi shop etc

You do need to pursue childminder baby sitter local networks so you have a back up .what if you get ill or other emergency?
So paying for local childcare who can get to know him is worthwhile investment
Everyone needs a contingency.

If no family you have to pay.

I see elements of my DD in your story. I also had NCT and baby group nightmares as she was prone to screaming her head off and everyone agreed she had one of the loudest cries they’d ever heard which made me paranoid.

Anyway DD is now 18 months and running about and she’s becoming such a chilled little toddler much to my shock! She runs around after the cat, loves putting things in the bin and bringing me all her shoes. She stands by the sink with a towel if I wash my hands like a little servant it’s hilarious. I can easily manage a phone call or drink a hot cuppa with no bother nowadays.

I just wanted to give you a little hope that your DS may well change too.

My other tip is Baby Bum on Netflix if you’ve not tried it - DD is hypnotised by it! Won’t watch anything else.

Your post really struck a chord with me as my DD was exactly like this as a baby. I found baby classes exhausting and embarrassing as everyone else had easy babies. Everyone would say, oh it will get better when she crawls/walks/talks... etc and it never did until she was around 18/19 months. She is 22 months old now and still hardwork but is becoming more and more independent and it's such a relief to be able to have time to do things and not have a constant focus.

You say that you can't afford childcare but I would look if you could make savings elsewhere to allow you to have a couple of hours a week alone. Childminders in my area are £4.50 per hour and I would rather spend £9 a week on that than anything else. I was worried about my DD going to childcare but she has always been easy for them and I put it down to the fact that she is constantly entertained and has people to play with.

As PP babybum on youtube is excellent, although I would still have to sit next to DD to watch it at least I would be able to drink a coffee and look at my phone for a bit.
Wishing you all the best to get through this and know that it will get better. I wish there were local support groups for high needs babies mums like us need all the help we can get.

My first was like this although did calm down quite a lot. Honestly those youtube nursery rhyme videos are a flipping godsend. Buys you a good 10 minutes (if not 20!). I know we aren't supposed to succumb to the temptation of screentime but it works and you're exhausted. Also it sounds like the lack of walking is probably really frustrating him - mine started walking at 13 months and it really helped. Have you tried a walker thing (that he pushes along)?

My DS is 16m. We are lucky that he will play alone for a bit but then reverts to wanting to be held/played with. A few thoughts:

• Once he starts walking hopefully he will be a bit happier. He can see more and come over to you more independently. You can also wander in parks etc and it becomes more of an activity.
• I sit on a cushion on the floor next to him playing. I'm then sometimes allowed to do my thing e.g. go on my phone, talk to an adult
• Does he eat dinner with you? DS eats with us, not hugely relaxing but ok.
• Yesterday I gave DS a mini milk ice cream. He was silent for 10 minutes! Obviously not an everyday strategy but worth it!

All 4 of mine were like this! I didn’t realise until I read this thread that some weren’t
I used to go for a walk with them when I needed space to think, or a drive.
Housework slipped a bit, I’d have to either carry/ bounce them while doing it or provide a clean cloth/ brush etc for them to use alongside and make out it was a game. Sorting laundry I’d give them a pile of odd socks to play with, cooking they’d get a pan, spoon and a couple of slices of vegetables on their high chair try to cook with etc.
None showed any interest in tv (or books) until 2.5/3.

Sounds like there could be sensory processing issues. Cranial osteopathy is your friend here. It does, honestly, work. My son was similar ( now in his twenties). He only shut up for movement so swing, push chair, car. Loved watching leaves in trees - we had a special tree with a low hanging twig that he ised to tug to make it move. The only way I got through was that he slept all night. Things will be better once he talks. If he likes side to side stuff then do that and essentially live outside as much as you can. Give him patterns to look at.

I would give the cranial a go though.

Would he sit in a bouncy chair and watch the washing machine?

Op my mum says my brother was like this, incredibly high needs baby, but if it's any comfort he became a very sunny although inquisitive toddler at about 2 and a very easy child. Turned out he's some kind of genius ( super high iq, read very early, did o levels young etc) who had a thirst for learning, don't know if there's any connection.

No advice really but my son who is just turning one is exactly the same. It’s relentless ! The only thing that helps is getting out the house at least once a day, even if for a short time to break the day up. I sit on the floor with toys and he will amuse himself for 5 minutes here and there while I sit with him. But he mostly just brings me toys or books to play with and he wants to watch or be handed them back ! He has always been what I assume is high needs.... I just wait for it to get easier. You are not alone, you are doing brilliantly!

My ds was exactly like you describe, except for the sleeping well...
It was utterly exhausting and nearly broke me. Begging for a very expensive nursery place did help as it gave me a break but I still felt bad as my older dd never needed it.
He's nearly five now and it started getting better when he could talk as he wasn't quite so frustrated. He is still not a very content child, but he is hilarious and absolutely thriving at school. Lockdown has been very tiring.