Help with the in-laws!

[NewMama2020]

Delete if not allowed!

I just have a question I’ve been struggling with recently and wondered if anyone could give me honest opinions on how to handle my situation as I’m not sure what to do for the best!

I’m due this Friday and because of the virus it forced me and my partner to move in with my parents (which has been a blessing) but obviously this means once the baby is born, he will be spending a lot of time with my side of the family. My in-laws aren’t the easiest of people to get on with so I guess my question is - how long would you wait before taking the baby (socially distanced) to meet his grandparents?

Side note: my in-laws are very jealous people. My partners mum made a scene at our gender reveal because she wasn’t happy with the attention my mum got and felt left out. We tried so hard to include both mums in everything but as my mum is more outgoing she naturally just got more involved with guests.

A year? Maybe two?

After his first day of school for tea??

How faraway do they live? You might want to consider not telling them until after the baby is born, or they may rock up to the house, waiting for you. Yes, there will be fall out, but that won’t affect you as badly as having them ruin your first few hours with your baby. That will be a tone that you won’t get back and your resentment towards them will build. At least give yourself a few hours before telling them and make a firm decision with your husband, as to when they can visit. Make sure he doesn’t try to over rule you, as you’re the one that will be recovering, even though there will be the usual suspects coming on to lament about it being ‘his child too’.

To be honest it doesn't matter. They'll kick off anyway so do it when you want to.b

Do they live near enough to pop over for a garden visit for an hour or so? Tricker when they live far away and need to stay over night I guess!

Congratulations and good luck.
Nothing you do will be good enough for PIL.
I ended up writing letters, on behalf of baby, each week and included photos pre internet days.
Letters included weight, growth, baby nurse advice , trips we had taken etc.

Bloody hell. She sounds like my MIL. We no longer speak with her.

She needs to grow up and realise it's not about her.

Don’t pander to them. They need to grow up.

If she genuinely is the kind of person to throw a tantrum at a baby shower then PPs are right- nothing you do will please them more than throwing a tantrum does. She will find something to be offended by no matter what.

I exhausted myself bending over backwards to attempt to accomodate my childish, hysterical, jealous in laws. It was never enough. Eventually it ended when I hired a nanny without asking them if they wanted to provide childcare first. They cried, threw themselves on the floor, screamed in my face for an hour, said I'd destroyed their lives and broken up their family. I apologised for upsetting them but did not change my mind about not wanting to trust them with childcare (would you?). It was the first time their tantrum hadn't been immediately pandered to and they didn't know how to deal with it.

They haven't seen my children for over a year and I doubt they ever will again.

My mistake was pandering to them in the beginning. They got used to getting their way and then had no idea how to adapt when I said no. You have an opportunity to start as you mean to go on and manage their expectations.

Do what you want. Be clear they need to fit in with you. There will be no scorekeeping between grandparents. You'll do what suits you, you are the new mum. If that means seeing way more of your family who support you instead of your in-laws who throw tantrums and stress you out- then that's what happens. If they were nice you'd want to spend more time with them. It's a lesson 99% of people learn in the playground.

Be firm but fair. Maybe they'll learn they aren't the centre of attention.

What does your partner think about it?

See how you feel, I doubt anything will be good enough for such a difficult person

i think you posted previously about your MIL causing a big scene at your baby shower. I would assume your OH would want his parents to meet his new baby. How does he feel about it?