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Original poster

SS - Midwife referral

14 replies

Lillian2019 · 07/07/2020 00:26

Hi guys,

I posted a few weeks ago stating that my midwife referred me to social services, for support. I said to the midwife that I found it to be controlling that my child's father cancelled private medical care, which is ok as we are not together/live together. I shouldnt have maybe used those words “controlling” as it flagged up issues that I think she seemed it to be DV. He doesn't control me in any way shape or form (were not in contact either)I have a clean record, no mental health/drug issues. I live alone, very happy, lots of family etc. I had lots of support from you guys last time but just wanted to know, I’m 33 weeks now and my midwife said she will talk to the social worker (requested her number), they said at 36 weeks they will draw up a plan. I’m still a bit confused, as I really feel I wasnt in a DV relationship? No violence, emotional etc. Just a comment on my behalf which was made in passing, I asked her today whats the purpose of this all? I’m happy to co operate etc but I don’t think its relevant. She said they are just making sure they cant support me if anything comes up or you see abuse starting to escalate. I stated again, my baby's father and I haven't even spoken and are not in contact. I just want to know what to expect now, I think I would get legal advice and most likely refuse a CIN plan as I don’t think it is appropriate at all. This could also cause problems in the future with my child's father and their relationship if he wanted to be involved. They might just drop the case also but I just want to be prepared. Can anyone give me any advice? I’m still super excited for my first born but really don’t want any of this hassle at this rate pf frustration I wish I just continued to pay for the private medical care myself. I understand there really are women who really need help out there and I understand she was doing her job but I think it was a bit too much.

OP posts:

Karenmicfurson · 07/07/2020 01:45

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MrMeSeeks · 07/07/2020 02:20

Boomclaps · 07/07/2020 05:31

So you presented late to the midwife (which is a trigger point in itself) because the father of your child withdrew your medical care (I remember your last post regarding this and it wasn’t because of cash flow it was because he could iirc) that’s indicative of control.

Seriously though SS is nothing to be worried about, and we have social services involved and I am 35w. DP and I have both previously suffered from ill health and whilst we are fine now. The SS team and MW helped us make a plan with the HV, social worker, the staff at the local children’s centre, and my mum (who incidentally was the social worker at the children’s centre all through my childhood)

I wasn’t judged and felt totally supported. They want to make sure you and baby are good and happy and healthy that’s it.
The meeting where we drew up the plan was brilliant and I along with DP felt in control and empowered.

It’ll be ok. ❤️

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Original poster

Lillian2019 · 07/07/2020 08:15

@boomclaps Yes, mainly because I wanted to go separate ways and so he said he was unable to support me. I know they are trying to help but for me I feel its just a lot of pressure to comply with something that I would basically be doing on my own. Ie attending meetings etc. I feel like the whole pregnancy I have been alone and then to attend meetings for something I don’t think applies to my situation.

OP posts:

theproblemwitheyes · 07/07/2020 08:21

@Lillian2019 i see your point, but it's not really about you, it's about the baby. Maybe you'd be attending meetings on your own and doing everything right, but maybe you wouldnt. They can't know for sure, and with a baby potentially at risk they have to be certain. Try to see this as a good thing - there are so many measures of support available to you.

Original poster

Lillian2019 · 07/07/2020 08:38

I’m happy to work along side them, but I’m not happy to be on a plan. I would also defiantly ask for help if I ever needed them or anyone in that matter. Of course my baby is the most important to me but I would also reach out happily if I saw danger whilst she was in anyones care even my own. I feel I would be focused on groups rather than spending time with my new baby.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lillian2019 · 07/07/2020 08:40

Hmm, I understand where you are coming from. I will have a think. I have just seen a lot of negatives from SS..

OP posts:

PurpleButterflyAway · 07/07/2020 08:42

You will find refusing to cooperate with the social services will raise a lot of red flags for them, as it should. You’re not thinking about your baby at this point, just about yourself and your needs.

CrotchetyQuaver · 07/07/2020 08:44

I would have thought that the best thing you can do is go along with them and their requests at this point? If you refuse I would have thought it would make things worse for you?

theproblemwitheyes · 07/07/2020 09:04

@Lillian2019 i think you're being unnecessarily combative about this tbh. Obviously something you said to your midwife about your ex raised a red flag. It could be that you're so used to his behaviour that you don't recognise it as harmful or worrying, but it obviously is to an outsider. Pushing back on this is not going to look good, especially if you don't seem worried about something that is objectively concerning.

Original poster

Lillian2019 · 07/07/2020 09:22

I see, I understand refusing to co operate will look worse. I just want to know whats the process, the steps that will be taken. What “plan” would be drawn up.

I know I probably look defensive right now but
I also understand that if a CIN isn't necessary they would put her on a child protection plan. If a child protection plan was appropriate then there are some serious problems. Which need to be addressed and rightly so.

Yes, I’m not used the to behaviour as I would have continued to the relationship? It was also him stating he didnt think it was appropriate to continue privately as we wont be together. It was more of a passing comment on my end. We have never lived together etc, I run my own business I have never been or felt controlled. I’m a free spirit.

I will defiantly take into consideration the advice you guys are stating as I am new to everything, parenthood & SS.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lillian2019 · 07/07/2020 09:24

I’m also no not ready to go against SS, I’m happy to talk and co operate with the help around me. I had the health visitor here last week and we were also speaking about a lot. I am just interested in the avenues.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lillian2019 · 07/07/2020 09:39

@PurpleButterflyAway

Of course I am thinking of my child's needs.
I came on here for advice... which I am finding helpful.

OP posts:

Boomclaps · 07/07/2020 10:07

Ok so my plan meeting was about two weeks ago.
Me, DP, mum, midwife, HV, commuNity nurse, and social worker.

We talked about all going well, and had to look at what would happen if things slip.
It was like MW and HV will be primary contacts - then we will contact you quarterly but if it’s ok then we will ask them to pass on anything of concern. And you can have our number if you need it.
The focus was We think you’re doing great, but we want to be here for you if for whatever reason you start to feel you’re not.

They were all lovely

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