Failing at motherhood

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I have a 4mo baby and I am feeling totally wrecked. I feel like I'm failing all the time. I can't get him to nap, can't get him to self soothe. He's just started the 4 month sleep regression as well as teething and reflux, and as a result I've had barely any sleep. He's never been a good sleeper really so don't think I've had more than 4 hours in a row in 4 months. I have never been this tired or this depleted. I have no energy, no patience, no joy left. My baby screams and screams. Isn't happy anywhere. I don't want him to look at me because he'll see how miserable I am.
I have a really supportive partner who couldn't be more willing or doing more, so I don't know why I'm still finding this so hard. I'm so disappointed in myself that I can't handle this better and I am sure in not being the mum he needs right now. Lockdown has been so shit, we have had barely any help or changes of scene or been away him him. I know everything is a phase and you just have to power through but I am failing this endurance test. It is the same day in, day out. Every day I try to rally myself to have a 'good day' but it's already over by about 5am when he won't go back down to sleep.
I know people will say I should try medication. I really don't want to go down that route. I don't know why I'm posting this really. It's just so fucking hard right now.

OP didn't want to read and run, I'm in my lunch break.
I know the newborn time is rough and really hard. Reach our to any other new mums you no or local charity that supports new mums, a chat can make a big difference.
I've got no advice. All I can say is do anything you need to get through this stage. Have you got a sling? Give the baby to Dad and just go be somewhere else for an hour.

Forgot to say, your absolutely NOT failing. Your doing great. It will get better, I promise you.

You sound exactly like me when my little one was 4 months old. My mum said she didn't recognise me anymore, I was a shell.

In the end my husband made an appointment to chat to the doctor. I did go on sertraline for a few months and it did help massively. If you really don't want to go down that route the only other thing I can suggest is some time to yourself if someone can take your DS off you for a bit. I found some sleep and a shower made me feel much better.

You have my sympathies, I found it so hard we decided not to try for a second. The first 5 months were the worst I've ever experienced but as people always say, it really does get better x

Oh lovely, you are not failing.
My son didn’t sleep more than 2 hours until he was 7 months, and then has only just started sleeping through at nearly 2.
The newborn stages are so so so very hard. I had all the support I could possibly need, and still found it tough.

I know you don’t want medication, which is fine and reasonable, so please feel free to message me if you need a good old chat or rant. Sometimes just getting it off your chest helps

I'm not going to suggest medication but you sound a bit like how I was. I've had depression before so I managed my PND without meds but I did have support from a local charity in the SW. So I would contact you Gp, they no of details of these groups.

Oh OP, I was you. This rang so true with me and it’s heartbreaking. I’d find myself dreading every morning when DD would wake up, I had this constant internal dialogue about what a failure I was, I worried about EVERYTHING with DD, I ignored all offers of help because in some warped way I thought they were “admitting defeat”... I can only imagine how hard it’s been with lockdown on top of everything else!

I struggled for far too long before a kind health visitor, who I’d rung to ask for help with weaning and ended up sobbing to, said that she was more worried about me than she was about DD. She referred me to my local IAPT service and, after a consultation, I was diagnosed with PND and anxiety. I ended up going for a course of CBT and it honestly transformed my life. Like you, I didn’t want to take tablets and I never did — talking therapy worked for me. I don’t know what area you’re in, but if you’re in England then check out their website and see if they can help you. Failing that, please talk to your midwife or health visitor. They won’t judge you and will know the best ways to get you help.

Sending lots of support your way and wishing you all the best, OP You’re in a dark place right now but with the right help you can come out the other side of it and enjoy your baby.

IAPT — www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/

Mine only slept for 4 hour stretches on a good night He still doesn’t self soothe, he’s 3 years old.
I found ds napped well if I pushed the pram out.
I can understand you not wanting medication. Could dh take him all night once/twice a week so you can a good nights sleep? It’s amazing how some sleep can make you feel.
It might be worth checking you’re not anemic (sp) as no one noticed I was until da was 7 months old. I felt much better once that was sorted out.
It is really hard and lockdown has made it harder

OP you’re having a perfectly normal reaction to a normal baby - it’s so, so, so hard. A baby who wakes through the night, struggles with naps, the sheer relentlessness...

You’re not failing. Is your baby fed and looked after, clean and cared for? Well guess what, you get an A+ for motherhood right there.

You’re doing your best but it’s just too hard to force yourself to feel happy when you’re buzzing with fatigue and stress every day. I remember it well! It will pass.

Just know that: it will pass. Take every opportunity - however tiny or great - to rest, to have something for yourself. Just get through it - it doesn’t last. Sleep will return, your baby will sleep a little longer and then a little longer...you’ll be ok.

Congratulations on being a great mum in difficult circumstances.

Now go do something nice for yourself if you can

I have never been this tired or this depleted. I have no energy, no patience, no joy left.

There are SO many of us feeling this at the moment, OP. It's not you. . It's not the baby. It's being trapped indoors for months on end. It's hard. Living in lockdown is not normal; it's punishing. This is why people get sent to jail - to live like this and think about what they've done. You've done nothing wrong. There is no fault here.

It WILL get better.

Oh OP, I wrote almost an identical post when my daughter was 4/5 months old. It was hell, so much harder than anyone had prepared me for.

It's ok to feel like this and I promise it will pass. Just try to hold on, let go of any guilt and be gentle to yourself. You're doing a much better job than you think you are!

I've just re-read your post and I can feel how miserable you are. I'm so sorry. Honestly, I can remember how endlessly shit everything felt at that point. It won't happen overnight, but you will look back at this period and feel immensely proud of yourself.

My daughter was breastfed and would only feed in dark, quiet rooms (i.e. at home). She screamed every time I took her out. I felt like a prisoner. I loved her immensely, but I took very little joy in her or my new life as a Mum. But it really does get so much better, and it's not far off. Hang on in there, you've got this.

I read your post and welled up. I have a 3.5 month old and I am exhausted. Its so hard to tell yourself 'this will be a good day' every morning when you know full well it'll be the same.

Ive booked my son to start nursery one day a week when he's 5 months old to start full time at 6 months as I go back to work. He doesnt need to go at 5 months, I need him too for my mental health. I feel like ive failed as a Mum already.

OP, you are not failing. It's hard, really hard. Sleep deprivation is literally torture. One thing that helped me was trying to adjust my expectations. Accept that baby is not going to sleep, or self settle, for some time yet, and plan accordingly. Can DH take one of the feeds so you can have an uninterrupted stretch of sleep? in the meantime, if you don't want to go on medication, you can be refered for therapy, or self refer in some places. Talk tpo your GP anyway, or your health visitor, they will want to help.

Thanks all for your messages, and especially for that link @milknapplayrepeat

I know it will change eventually. Hoping for some good sleep soon to replenish my reserves a bit. I'm usually calm, practical and optimistic, I don't recognise myself these days

You sounds like a great Mum but I think you need to adjust your expectations around your baby’s sleep. Realistic expectations make it more manageable. The things that helped me at that stage was to go to bed as soon as could on an evening. Do you have a partner who can help you get more sleep, even if it’s a nap at the weekend or if lo is ff then take over some night feeds.

I felt like this four months in, and DC slept petty wel! I stopped bf and went back to work pt and felt 1000 times better. Did the same with DC 2. Now 17 and 15 and we're all bonded well enough. Worth every penny.

Hi,

My DS was like this as a baby. I felt that I could never comfort or console him. It was so draining and the exhaustion made it feel impossible at times! I was shocked at how hard I found it.
I do believe some babies are just more demanding than others. Look up Dr Sears‘ stuff on high needs babies and Sarah Ockwell-Smith’s Gentle Sleep book. These saved my sanity in some dark times!!

We didn’t have much help so my advice would be to let your partner take him as much as possible and do not feel guilty or like a failure for needing time away, even just to sit in another room, or go for a walk alone. A bit of space will re-energise you.

Your baby will get easier over time and probably turn into a real character 🙂X