Good book on standing up to bullies

[Folicky]

I'd be grateful for some recommendations for good books, ones that really land, to help children stand up for themselves. My dc is 6 & another child in a childcare setting is telling him not to move, speak or breathe. This hampers the walking away as dc thinks he has to obey this older child. DC can respond to narrative based explanations so any good books would be good. I've mentioned it at the setting also and it has only been going on for 2-3 weeks maximum, but it's a worry.

I think I'd be concerned that it has been allowed to continue for 2-3 weeks already. Has no one at the care setting picked up on this or tried to fix the situation already? That's terrible for your little one :( hope you manage to get it sorted lovely. Sorry I can't help x

I don’t know any books, sorry but I think it’s a good idea! Before that tho you need to tell this other child’s mother and report it to the caregiver setting. Your poor LO :( breaks my heart xx

I used to practice with my child. I taught her what to say back. And I don’t mean ‘stop it I don’t like it’. Mine was more standard unkind, mean bullying. This sounds more insane!

I like the American girl series but I don’t know that books are what you need here. Especially as the other child is older.

www.amazon.co.uk/Stand-Yourself-Your-Friends-Bossiness/dp/1609587383?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I taught my dd to say ‘nice shoes’ with her eyebrows up and In like your hair.....nice’ The other girl didn’t go near her again.

Sorry - JoJo are you saying you deliberately taught your daughter to be a bully? You’ve consciously ‘trained’ her to be a classic, bitchy mean girl? 🤔

Just the once because it worked. I didn't rewrite her personality, if she'd been a what you misogynistically refer to as a 'classic, bitchy mean girl'** then she wouldn't have needed my training.

She's 17 now and wonderful in absolutely every way so no lasting damage there.

What would you do @Trying? Bullying is an age old problem that schools don't seem to be able to manage and some children don't seem to be able to escape from.

I think at age six I’d be more focussed on the setting sorting it out. What have they said they will do?

@JoJoHasIt i think the mothers of most classic bitchy mean girl (no, that's not misogynistic btw, chill out with your dog whistle) think their daughters are "wonderful in absolutely every way". Teaching your daughter to respond to bullying with psychological games and nasty comments about personal appearance is not on, I'm sorry.

@theproblemwitheyes
What would you suggest?

@RickOShay

1. Speak to the setting and see what theyre doing to address it

1. Speak to the other child's parents and ask if theyre aware, ask for suggestions etc

1. Practice with DS to help him feel confident - get him to say "that's not kind, i don't have to listen to you when you're beig mean" and then go find an adult.

@JoJoHasIt I think you’re confused about what misogyny is.

Teaching your daughter that her power lies in reducing fellow females to their appearance and the way to destroy another girl is to shame her for her shoes, is like...SCREAMING internalised misogyny.

You may have ‘empowered’ your daughter but who knows (or cares, right?) who she damaged along the way. As long as she turned out great in your eyes. I mean, she may have used your little trick to manipulate and abuse endless girls who may have developed eating disorders and self harming issues or will simply carry a core belief they are ugly and worthless and small...but no I’m sure she ONLY did it once and used her ‘superpower’ for good

What would I do? As someone destroyed by bullies and already seeing the bitchiness in girls as young as six in my daughters school I’m teaching her kindness and boundaries. I’m teaching her what a real friend is and how to firmly say no and walk away. I read her books about children who are different, celebrating differences not seeing anything in herself (or others) as a weakness or sore point to press on. I’m teaching her about consent and not keeping secrets. She knows what manipulation is and what shame is and how people use to control other people and that it’s very wrong and abusive. And we don’t allow people to force us to do things and we definitely don’t force other people to do things either. I’m trying to make her as non-victimisable as possible giving her the language and comprehension to know bullies are. But with constant undercurrents that ‘happy people don’t hurt people’ so she understands that hurt people hurt people. Nobody is inherently ‘naughty’ or ‘mean’ it’s learned of developed through pain.

Basically I’m working really hard to not create a bully whilst also making her resilient.

Maybe I’m totally getting wrong and I should be injecting more cruel defence mechanisms that ripples out into more pain and more bullying and more endless trauma cycles into the world like you 🤷🏻‍♀️. Would certainly be much easier!

Women will never stop destroying other women while mothers keep teaching their daughters to respond to meanness with more meanness.

Yes, Problem, that is good advice although I wouldn’t recommend approaching the parents unless you already know them.

The older child who is telling the OP’s little boy not to speak breathe or move probably knows they aren’t being kind already.

I also disagree that bitchy isn’t a misogynistic word.

You aren’t usually allowed to speak to the bully’s parents.

@JoJoHasIt The older child who is telling the OP’s little boy not to speak breathe or move probably knows they aren’t being kind already.

It's not really about getting the other child to see that what they're doing is unkind though, it's about teaching your child to name and counter bad behaviour rather than accepting it. It's the setting's job to stop the bullying from happening, but as parents its our job to teach our children that if they're being bullied, they don't have to lie down and take it. For you, that's teaching your daughter to hit back harder. For most people, it takes the form of getting their child comfortable with a calm refusal to be victimised, and swift distancing.

Thank you everyone. I like the response of saying 'I don't have to listen to you if you if you're being mean.
I'm keeping my eye on it