Help! 4 year old neediness driving me mad

[CroissantwithCheese]

Hi, I’m hoping some of you will have gone through this and can give me some advice. Don’t get me wrong when I describe the neediness. I love my daughter more than life itself, but I feel like I’m suffocating.

I have a 4 year old daughter and a 2 month old son. DD Has always been high-need, glued to me for the first 2 years of her life and wanting little to do with DP. In the last 2 years she has had some unbelievable episodes of bad behaviour. She’s an attention seeker and can’t stand my attention to be anywhere but on her. She wants me to play with her all the time but the playing involves me doing all the action and her passively standing by, just being “beautiful” - a silent mermaid or princess or something (!). I have to argue with her just to be able to cook lunch, as she keeps asking me to do something with her. Then there are he constant demands, for a drink, A snack, the “I want to show you something”s, Etc. The thing that bothers me most is that when I don’t do what she wants, she can be hurtful, hitting, climbing on me (esp when I have the baby in my arms), standing on my toes, pushing, being downright naughty and vengeful.

I’ve tried sending her to her room for 4 mins (as advised for her age) - she enjoys that. I’ve tried taking the tv or iPad away, threatening not sweets/ice cream/play dates. I’ve tried positive reinforcement, praising her for the good things in the hope she will do them more. At the end of the day - literally - she still does what she wants not what we ask, regardless of the punishment.

Some facts I’m considering:

• maybe she is watching too much tv.
• With a small baby and corona, I have not been able to give her as much attention as I would like.I do try to spend quality time with her On her own though every day.
• DP and I are not exactly a loving pair. We argue a lot and have been going through a tough time for years.
• obv the new baby is a factor, but she was doing this before I got pregnant too
• moving house: we moved twice in the last year, though her childcare has remained consistent.

Anyone any ideas for what we can do?
Thanks in advance.

Bump!

What does her child carer say?

Why do you argue with dp? Do you shout?

Pre corona did she mix and play with other children/ adults eg. Nursery, playgroups etc?

@Embracelife

What does her child carer say?

Why do you argue with dp? Do you shout?

Apparently she doesn’t do this at all at childcare.

Me and DP argue about him not helping enough with the kids. Yes, sadly we do shout, but I try to keep that to a minimum when she’s around.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Pre corona did she mix and play with other children/ adults eg. Nursery, playgroups etc?

Yes, she goes to a kind of kindergarten (we’re not in UK) 5 days a week and thrives there. We also used to have lots of play dates. This is definitely a factor

Rather than sending her to her room (which presumably is where all her toys are, so she gets to play etc) why not pick a naughty spot or step, somewhere boring?

Maybe speak to her kindergarten for advice.
What do they do?
Is it the structure?
Can you try timers and now and next ?

Try to sort things out with dp get some help
Or separate.

Maybe she wants your attention so you stop arguing?

and let dp rake her out for walks and play exercise is good

I think it's properly just her personality. You could try set her up some tasks you know she can do for a prize. So you say I have this special mermaid comb, you can win it if you stack the cups like this ( demo by you) .. da darr she wins. This is about building independence and doing something you can't help with. Make things harder longer ( eg build a fairy castle out of this recycling. Could be mummy & baby v DD, make yourself rubbish )

And solidarity I have similar aged kids. Honestly my DH is a bit useless with the kids too. I sometimes have heated disagreements with him. He's improving now ( our second is six months old ) and he'd rather do something with the 4 year old than baby duties 🤔

Have you tried getting your DD cycling, would Daddy teach her ? ( My DH wouldn't kept saying DS couldn't do it, so I've taught him and been positive that he can do it himself) Some activities men are keen on getting the glory ! Failed for me, just an idea.

OP, you sound frazzled, which is understandable. It can be so draining having a clingy child where you can't even take a moment to do the other things they will need - it's so bloody hard!

I think it sounds like she's feeling insecure and unsettled given all the changes. That could be compounded by her worries about your relationship with DH and the fact you seem very critical of her and she probably senses she's an inconvenience, which is just going to make her more clingy. She may simply be reaching out for the affection she perhaps feels she's not getting at the moment because you're all under such stress. The other possibility is that it's something like ADHD, but my money's on her feeling unsettled emotionally.

In any case, I highly doubt she's being 'vengeful' or hurtful on purpose. It sounds like she's unable to articulate her needs and feelings (she's 4, so understandable!) and this is just how it's coming out.

I'd look at the behaviour as a symptom and try to work out what you think she actually needs - it's often not the thing the child thinks they need, as they don't always have that insight. It sounds like you have a really good insight into why she might be feeling unsettled so I would try to work with that.

One of the things that people sometimes suggest for insecure children is getting to them (to spend time with them) before they come to you - so they know you definitely want to spent time with them and they don't then have that niggling doubt that they had to force you. Appreciate it can be difficult to actually get to a child first when they're constantly clingy, but if you can do that regularly, that might help her to feel a bit more secure.

Thank you all for your responses. I’m going to try having more structure (like at her kindergarten), and make an effort to get to her first each day, letting her do more with me so she feels included and not an inconvenience. I’ll curb my criticism and try to get DP on the same page. We’ve all fallen into some Behavioral habits during lockdown that we need to try to break.
Thanks again.

So she goes to childcare 5 days a week and when she gets home there is a new baby and her parents are arguing? And you're asking why she's clingy?
She's probably exhausted from childcare, corona and disturbed sleep from a baby.

Sounds like a great plan, OP - good luck!

Just remember when things get tough and her behaviour seems unfathomable, you will figure it out eventually and you'll all get past this!

Positive thinking has definitely been my lifeline as a parent!

And also do make sure you take time out for yourself - you can't give your best to your DC if you're at your wits end, so make sure you're taking time out too (and DP will probs need to help with this) - exercise or meditation can be really helpful to give you the resilience you need to go back into the madhouse! I like the Simple Habit app - it's not woo and has short meditations for parents and caregivers, general stress and all sorts, and some of them are only a minute long! I sometimes shut myself in the bathroom and do a 3 minute de-stressing meditation. Everyone needs a breather!