How, When and If to tell your child about a sibling they won’t see

[Amor88]

Hi just looking for some advise, my partner has a son from a previous relationship that he unfortunately doesn’t see or have contact with, I’m pregnant and I can’t stop thinking about the fact my baby will have a sibling they won’t be able to get to know, Iv been with my DH for over 7years so I knew about his son when we first got together but the little boys mum didn’t want me involved which I respected and Iv never got involved as it’s a bit of a messy situation I didn’t know how to approach it, this is my first baby and I don’t know when I should explain the situation to my little one and was hoping for some advice from anyone who has been through the same, I know it’s really early to be thinking about this but its been really worrying me and been on my mind, xx

My dad waited until I was 16. I wouldn’t recommend that!
I’d say just make it part of everyday conversation as your baby grows up. It doesn’t need to be some big reveal. Just mention it periodically.

I guess it depends why your DH doesn't see his son.

If it's that he could see him but can't be bothered with the process of going to court etc, then i would be reluctant to tell that version to my kid in case they developed a fear that their father might just stop bothering with them one day too.

If it's because the half sibling lives overseas and nobody can financially manage the costs of visits, then I'd explain that in an age appropriate way from very early on, and teach them a bit about the country etc, as they may want to or be able to get in touch when much older.

I don't think I'd keep it a secret. These things have a way of coming out, and it would be pretty hurtful to feel you'd been lied to by not being told.

So I'd say definitely tell them, don't lie about any part of it (and don't go badmouthing the mother, as that could equally have a bad effect on future relations), but maybe don't be overly explicit if it's because your husband thought it was too much effort to try to keep regular contact.

I agree, just always mention the sibling by name, have a photo in the album if you can, and never make it a big reveal. Answer questions as they come up.

I think it just being part of general conversation is the best way to go - no secrets, no issues, just basic facts. An old school friend found out his dad had another son when he was in his forties. It had a terrible impact on the whole family.