Really struggling with 2 year old

[changingperspective]

I really am struggling with her, we have one older dd who's 4 who is so good and bypassed the terrible twos, she's kind, loving and always happy and then there's our youngest dd who's 2 and my god they're different.
I spend all my time dealing with disruptive behaviour picking things up she's chucked around, soothing her sister because she's bitten her or pulled her hair, and the tantrums are something else.
Just so exhausted I feel so worn down and her behaviour is getting worse by the day, if I talk to her about it she laughs and tells me she's been naughty (proudly)

I don't have any sort of depression I just need some advice I suppose, especially on her biting her sister and hair pulling.

I tried naughty step (stairs) but she thinks that's funny and asks if she can sit on the naughty step.

She is so bold and brave I think sometimes when she does things she's asked not to she's performing to entertain her sister, who isn't impressed anyway.
I lose count of how many times I put her to bed because she just comes back down laughing.

I've tried rewarding good behaviour, I try to take her out as much as I can so she's not bored but this does seem to have got worse since she started nursery although she attends nursery with her sister who is the absolute opposite but same upbringing.
I got so much pleasure from my first but feel this time it's so challenging, like how have I got it so right before but so wrong this time round?

It sounds like she is doing this to get attention and she is certainly doing that. I would be inclined to put her in a play pen where she can’t do any harm to anyone else. You can’t expect to treat children all the same as you are learning to your cost. It sounds as if she needs much firmer handling. Have you tried a rewards chart for both of them?

Sounds like she is doing this to get your attention. Why ? What has triggered this behaviour ? ...it does sound like she is jealous of older sibling( getting attention). Do you do things together with the older one ? Try and include the younger one and to include the younger one so they feel as equally as important. If she feels left out it will be her / natures way of dealing with it.

I have been debating about reward charts, I wasn't sure if she was a bit young but anything's worth it if we get a result.
I am softly spoken naturally so I maybe don't sound assertive enough but yes they are different people I need a whole new parenting style here, my eldest I can just have a quiet word with if she's doing something she shouldn't and that's the end of it, but dd2 seems to want a reaction and if I don't react she screams.

I hope she doesn't feel left out, it was just me and her for a while before she started nursery while her sister was already going, and it does seem to be since Christmas when she started going.

I treat them both exactly the same, we play everything together and despite being bitten and having her hair grabbed her sister adores her.

I just feel like I'm talking to a brick wall when I say not to do something she just totally blanks me and cracks on.
If I say her name firmly she looks at me and smiles while still going ahead regardless.

She probably is doing it for attention but I would avoid giving her attention when she's misbehaving and give her attention when she's good to reinforce it.

I'd highly recommend the book "how to talk so little kids listen", not all the techniques will necessarily work for you but it does a good job of explaining the issues in a way linked to child development. Rewards and punishments don't work for a lot of children and can actually have the opposite effect than we are aiming for. Young children have a lot of feelings that they don't yet know how to understand or express, and if it started when she went to nursery it is entirely possible that it is linked to her feeling anxious or sad. If you Google "positive parenting for toddlers" you should get some ideas too (unfortunate that the name suggests other parenting is negative, but try to let that go). The gist of it all if that you stay calm, you teach her how to process the feelings and are firm about the behaviours that are unacceptable while reassuring her that she is loved and has you with her no matter what. It worked wonders for my son, who was nearly 3 when his behaviour got difficult. Good luck!

@ChockyBicky thank you, I will try and ignore bad behaviour but it's also when she's not doing as she's told or deliberately doing something she's not aloud to.
eg - right now she was sitting on my lap tearing the pages out of the book I was reading them and trying to close it while I read, when I try and get the book out of reach she screams and hits me.
I put the book down to speak to her and she launches it across the room but so poor dd1 doesn't miss the rest of the story I agree to finish the book but dd2 repeats the behaviour but this time kicking it closed and grabbing it off me.
Now she's screaming because I've finished the book but won't let her have it to destroy.
So she's chucking sofa cushions at the telly instead.
We are getting ready to go to the woods, after I roll up the toilet roll she's just unravelled, hang the towels back up again and put the sofa back together and pick up the lunch she didn't want so smeared all over the table.
Am I just not in control? Is this normal toddler antics but because dd1 was so good I didn't know this side or something else?
I put her shoes on, turn around she's taken them off, exhaustion!
I almost can't wait for Monday morning which is so sad as these are such precious moments.

@UnderTheSleepingBaby thank you, I will have a search for that, sounds interesting.

Playpen. Bad behaviour gets her calmly placed in the playpen and ignored until she calms down. It will stop her destroying and throwing things. A very firm calm No thank you! and placement in playpen if bad behaviour continues.

She sounds like she is jealous of older sibling and kids this age are unable to tell us their feelings. They instead behave cross, disruptive ,angry. Punishing her will make her jealous feelings doubly cross so won't improve the situation in the long run. She needs cuddles and attention to know she feels valued. A good book may help with this. I went through this my mum gave my older sibling the attention and I felt jealous and took it out on my sibling. I am older now and turned into a good person that I really was the thing is me and my sibling are not close and I blame that on my mum how she handled it and pushed me out without realising ...it felt like it was my mum and sibling and I was not valued. My mum would be devastated if she knew this but something I've kept to myself and I know she never meant to behave like this to upset me on purpose.

My 2 year old is a real challenge; I read a book called how to get small kids to listen and some of the ideas in it have really helped, and even when it doesn’t work it makes me feel like I’m at least doing something constructive

Sorry it’s actually called “How to talk so little kids will listen”

@user1493413286 thank you someone upthread suggested that book and I've just downloaded it so I'll give it a read when they go to bed.

No advise I'm afraid but just wanted to say you're not alone in that boat but we all come out the other side eventually even if you can't see that now.

I've had 2 children who were (and are) completely different despite the same upbringing. For me it was DS1 who was very defiant, fearless, didn't care about any consequences. Did not listen to almost any instruction. DS1 has done very well at school, sport etc. Very artistic as well but just does not like to be told what to do ! He's 7 now and things have improved alot in the sense his tantrums are alot less but we still have challenges. DS2 was co operative, wanted peace and harmony and listened to me. He's 5 now and more average at school. I do wonder sometimes if clever children can be more defiant as toddlers. The only other thing is she could have autism or aspergers or anxiety. But I would say it sounds like a personality trait. Good luck and keep trying. My DS1 improved alot when he was in full time school.