To think I've not been the best mum.

[Roasties89]

I love my kids. Ones a toddler. Ones 5. With my first child there was a routine. A structure to the day. My partner's always worked 7am-7.30pm. sometimes he's abit late and won't get home until 7.50-8.00ish. it's just abit rubbish. In those early days when my second was under 6 months especially it was hard. Hard because I couldn't settle my then just turned 3 year old as if I took them up to bed as the baby would cry/be left downstairs. I couldn't take the baby up as my child wanted me for a story and cuddle. It was our special time together. Also sleep became a battle as he suffered with abit of anxiety around the new baby. I did my best. But by the time my partner was home my eldest wanted to see daddy and stay up later. We also got a second child that never wanted to settle in the evenings. Then my youngest had a stay in hospital for a week when she was one. This was almost a year ago and messed us all up. SHe started having night terrors for 3 months. All this bedtime battle meant I had minimal time in the evenings to relax. I was rolling into bed exhausted. Up in the night battling the kids.

I've taught my kids good manners. Right from wrong etc. Tried to keep the home tidy and teach the kids to be tidy,But despite all my efforts the oldest is very messy. I struggle to keep up and we still have toys around the house as we are in the toddler years still. The oldest loves drawing and crafts. It's their biggest passion. But no matter how hard I try I can't teach them to put lids on pens and put them back in the tub. They get through heaps of paper. In lockdown I've allowed for more crafty things. But I'm honestly sick of it. Paper gets dropped allover over the place.

I really suffer with my back since having my kids and it sounds slobby but I hate sitting on hard chairs. I tend to sit on the sofa to eat tea. So my kids don't sit at the table. The youngest is in the highchair. The oldest either sits on the sofa too with a tray or can sit at the table. I think I was just trying to get by again when I was alone with two young kids and I've let the oldest become a slob with eating. I don't know if this matters massively? But I feel others sit as a family and have tea. We never have my partner here so it's never a thing.

I've been in a rut with routine so bad since lockdown. It was a little better the six months before as my son's at school now. But it's always been abit of a frustrating situation for me. I find I'll be sorting something out and my kids will be up to no good whilst my backs turned. Oldest steals food all the time. I've dealt with this in every way you can think of and its ineffective. My partner also has tried. If we put him upstairs he comes back down stairs. If I shout he will smirk or cry and refuse to hear me telling him to go back upstairs. If I tell him why it's wrong and explain it upsets me when he does it, it doesnt go in.

I get no help with them family wise or friends. So I don't get any time to myself ever. Although my partner takes them for walks and helps out with pots etc. However he works such long hours and gets home at bedtime. Weekends we are both knackered or want to try and do things as a family. We've spent many weekends trying. But the list is so long of what needs to happen to get the house respectful.

Today's I've filled two binbags with junk. I've cleared and decluttered the kitchen sides and windowsills. We are not hoarders or really scruffy. It just has been really hard to multi task this year with all that's happening.

I want a routine again. But my kids are never tired. Before lockdown the oldest was so well behaved and in bed after school by 7.30pm. I was up at 6.30 every morning. Now at 10.30pm he's still not tired and in and out his room. Again nothing seems to work. The youngest is also not tired. We get up by 8.00am. usually 7.30am. but we just have no structure and I don't know how to get it back.

How do I get my kids to listen and care about what I say? Ive gone around the houses with this. My oldest in particular is getting more and more defiant. We went to my parents last week and he would not stop ignoring me when I told him what to do. I took them home after their final warning. This huge lack of respect for what I say is frustrating as I've always had boundaries in place. This isn't a constant thing as some days he will do what I say.

How do I get my home in order without the kids wrecking it again? Example. Theres a peg, a stone, one sock, a dvd and a packet of wipes thrown in my fire guard. We don't have a fire we use. It's just stuff they have lobbed in there. I find crisp packs behind the sofas. Drawings everywhere. My son puts his dirty washing in his toybasket no matter how many times I say in the basket.

The toddler throws stones in the extension when he's outside.

All my walls and doors are mucky and need cleaning. My bathroom and kitchen need painting. The garden needs sorting.

Please any helpful ideas to motivate me and the kids? I feel I've not had my shit together enough to teach them to respect things. Seeing all the houses on the Facebook lockdown page just shows me even more we are disgusting. Other people do it just fine. Spotless homes. All freshly decorated. Toys away.

It’s so difficult with an under two and lockdown is making it harder. You need to choose one thing to work on at a time. I would go with routine. How old is the toddler? Do they still nap? Start by writing a timetable and set an alarm to get up in the morning. Get them outside for a walk to use energy. Walking is excellent for most back problems. Is your 5 year old not back in school?

You need strict rules with the kids so they know where they stand. Children need boundaries. Toys are put away throughout the way with a bit tidy up time at the end of the day. At 5 he will need encouraging and help with this.

Food needs to be eaten at the table. Slouching on the sofa won’t be helping your back.

How many warnings before got get to the final warning? You need to have a disciple system that you and the kids are clear on and stick to it.

Do you have to many toys out? Do you have a suitable storage system? Do the kids know where the toys live? Do you have a tidy up time/song? Have you explain that you look after toys so they don’t get broken or lost. For the pens you will need to kept prompting them to put on lids, if he doesn’t then he puts the pens in the bin when they dry out and he doesn’t get anymore. I don’t see the problem with them using up paper.

At the weekend you need to ensure both you and your partner get a couple of hours to yourselves.

They have toyboxes and bedrooms. So I feel they have room. My youngest got the short straw with his box bedroom. So it's tricky with all the bigger toddler toys about.

I went home after 3-4 warnings to listen to me. I tipped my cup of tea away and said right we are going.

We walk loads. Always have.

I agree routine needs to come back into things. I wonder whether to make a chart with a plan. It's basically a evening routine that's needed.

Yeah I'm not going to buy anymore pens now. I've been replacing them over lockdown for school work.

I think I'm going to order a table cloth and try and work on meals being at the table. I really do want the kids to be more routined.

I get alot of eye rolling when I say to tidy up. Running off etc. Not sure whether charts could work. When we've used charts in the past they have been wrecked. Honestly he's so messy and can't resist drawing on stuff like charts.

Hello hun!
I rarely post on here but I felt like I had to comment because I feel like I could have written your post myself!!
I also have a 5 year old and a 3 year old. Two boys! And it's not easy at all! Especially with lockdown. Even though we do back to back activities like drawing, walking etc throughout the day they are constantly hyper and have so much energy and won't sleep.
I totally get what your feeling!
We have recently had to go back to a chart system where there are clear rewards and consequences. I can already see the difference in about a week. The hardest thing is to stick to it and you will probably find yourself punishing them quite a bit for the first few days while they get used to the new rules. For example my chart has
Warning
5 mins naughty chair
10 mins naughty chair
Loose treat after dinner
Bed early.
It's not perfect but it helps. After 4 solid days of bed early my 5 year old is starting to realise that he has to do the little things like books on shelf and laundry in basket.
It's a bit harder with the 3 year old but he's getting the hang of it to!
And with the rewards they get stickers for good bahviour is sharing etc. Then when they have 10 stickers they can pick a prize from the box. Usually small pound shop tat but they like it. Stick to your guns. Remember it's your house and rules have to be enforced.
Good luck!!
And your a great mum! Don't ever tell yourself different!

@MessyMummy15

Thank you for your reply. Thanks for also making me feel better about it. It's good to know I'm not alone. The kids have been through some major changes this year. I can completely sympathize with all kids at the moment. they have lost all the structure from their lives. I think it's also like we've gone back to last year. Just as he became a big boy at school with rules and a bit circle of friends his own age lockdown happened. Now he's with me all day. He doesn't see other kids his age. He isn't in the atmosphere that used to tire him out.

I am going to go on my partner's laptop later and print of a list of rules and an evening routine. Also 2 behaviour charts. my youngest is two but still quite babylike
She's slower on the talking. So she's hard to talk too if that makes sense. But she's nowhere near as messy as the older one.

I basically want to clear everyone's wardrobes out and have a sort out. Clean every part of the house and declutter everywhere. Ive made a huge start today but it can soon get too much again.

Thanks for taking the time out to reply to me.

I have similar ages but probably much lower standards! I tend to pick my battles and don't see messiness as a behaviour issue. If I did I think I'd be on their case all day. I don't think you're a bad mum in the slightest.

I agree with PP about charts and discipline system, but another thing that might help is toy jail. Get a big basket or clear box (so they can see what's inside) and padlock it (drill holes in box to padlock through etc). Explain that anything not tidied up properly after use ('properly' includes lids on pens) goes in toy jail for a set amount of days. They can earn them back by doing good things e.g. helping with chores, being helpful with younger sibling, doing great school work etc.

Oh I feel you op. DS is 5, the twins are 6 months and CKINGY. They nap, I try and do some tidying, eldest wants cuddles or playing with, the babies wake, something happens.
They get too much TV time, not enough 121,nothing is tidy or decluttered, it's all half done.

Few ideas though.

Don't do your rules, sit down and get him to help you. He'll be more likely to advise by then if he's helped set them altho of course guide it.

Cleaning, have you looked at The Organised Mom method? Don't worry about the big clean at the start but even just dying her basic rowing will help.

We get up, breakfast and changed then school work, snack time, school work, lunch, school work. Even when he's being whiny, he knows realistically it won't be long till he gets a break. The routine helps us both. He has set times to feed.

Oldest steals food all the time. I've dealt with this in every way you can think of and its ineffective."I'm guessing because your punishing the behaviour not working out the caus. WHY is he stealing good? Hunger, strict food rules, to annoy you, to spite the baby, he has no idea ut it makes him fell good?
My partner also has tried. If we put him upstairs he comes back down stairs. If I shout he will smirk or cry and refuse to hear me telling him to go back upstairs. If I tell him why it's wrong and explain it upsets me when he does it, it doesnt go in he has no control in tbe world, esp now. Food is one tho g he can use to exert some power and get attention from both his parents. Don't make food all powerful.
Put and lock away good he can't have. Open access to food he can. Try and dneratand why he's eating so much. Naughty step or equivalent. If he gets up, put him back in it, until he's done 5 minutes. No conversation except how long he's got left. Don't shout, your losing control. But most importantly, work out WHY

Oh OP I hear you!

I have an EXTREMELY willful 4 year old & a 2 year old as well. EVERYTHING is a battle. From the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep from sheer mental exhaustion. You pick a subject & my kids will fight it! I just don't have the strength anymore. I shout WAY more than is necessary but I'm at my wits end.

We've begun tackling the garden (neighbour has forced our hand somewhat, fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it) & DP has decided that on topof that we need to redecorate our dining room right now as well. So the house is already upside down what with lockdown & he's decided to add this on top of everything else! 🤬😡
I'm sorry that I don't have any advice but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Thanks everyone. I'm just worried he will never grow out of being rude and learn to be a trustworthy child. My parents judge me for it too. They say he behaves like it because I allow it. But I dont allow it at all. It's like he's fearless and doesn't care.

Food wise I'm not a limiter. Each day then eat a range of meals and snacks.

They usually have yoghurt, apples, pears, watermelon, grapes, raw carrots, cheese at some point. But they also have biscuits, crisps and cakes too. Not all in one day obviously, but I allow good & bad snacks. They sometimes have a small bowl of cereal in the evening too.

I think its without a doubt attention. But the question is why? He hates me and his dad talking. He interupts and is loud and refuses to behave. He is jelous if I speak to other kids too. He also won't speak to adult family members but will speak to my adult friend and teachers. He does speak to his nanny now. I honestly don't know what it is? Or how to help.

Hi, maybe I am manipulative or a soft touch but I always went first with making things fun to avoid arguments. This didn't always work, but I did try quite a lot.

Two ideas for tidying are:

1. we had a tidy up song we used to sing, after the first time I never said they had to tidy, just sang it and started and when it was finished we all sat and had a nice drink and TV or story. Often I timed it for ITNG. My DH thought I was idiotic, I asked him to pretend he was a nursery teacher and pretend he wanted to do it, in my view no way do teachers feel happy about every task but they fake it. I got this idea from a toddler group I went to, I was also sick of nagging.

2. put a blanket on the floor, ask everyone to run and fetch everyone in the wrong place and put it on the blanket, then everyone runs to put it away. Time them. Keep a chart of best times. Again, channel your inner childminder and look like it is great fun.

Basically, as hard as it is, if you can get a bit more upbeat I think it helps.

Also, don't give yourself a hard time. I had a lot of really rubbish days. We are in a really weird time - your kids will be unsettled. You're not doing a bad job, just with two small children it never ends.

Sometimes my youngest absolutely did not listen to me. But he turned out nice.

The jealousy stuff is normal. Plus he will be more insecure now.

Sorry it is all so exhausting .

Thank you. That's a great idea. It's o hard with lockdown. There is no five for any of us. So much extra energy. Only so many hours of the day you can be out walking isn't there. I will try your suggestions x