*HOW DO YOU CHOOSE A GUARDIAN FOR YOUR CHILDREN?*

[AgathaRose]

DP and i finally had our first whole night away from 2yr old DD yesterday. -Great, but suddenly realised that we hadn't thought properly about what would happen to her if we were both killed in a car crash, so spent half the time talking about it.
There are no obvious aunt/uncle/godparent types we can ask. Grandmothers are great but not so young.
Would love to know how other people have tackled this one...

We felt that both that grandparents were too elderly so had the choice of 4 siblings:
1 - barking
2 - lovely but not a maternal bone in her body and would be COMPLETELY at a loss
3 - Already have a number of children of their own but don't parent in the way we would like for ours
4 - No children of her own yet but on our wave-length regarding all sorts of things

Went for No4 which may raise eye-brows if it ever happens but DH and I are happy in our choice. May take on board the 'not legally binding' thing though and add a letter to go with the will - thanks for that.

DH and I have chosen my ex-DH - the father of my oldest 2 - should the younger 2 need taking on. He was a pretty lousy husband but an absolutely fantastic father and obviously that would guarantee the continuity with my older ones (18 and 20). He knows them very well already - we're lucky.

We agonised over this and have chosen friends with a child similar age to dd that we see regularly. We have no family that we felt were appropriate (insert long list of batty or otherwise dubious relatives that we hardly ever see anyway). We have had a will drawn up - cost about 100 quid. Jill

I think my sister with kids would be okay, petit - stricter than I am but that's not necessarily a bad thing (well what do I know I haven't been doing this long!)

otherwise I'd like it to be my bf, but think that would devastate both my and dh's families.

This whole issue is a nightmare as dd1 is from my first marriage so her father and his wife would almost certainly want to have her if anything happened to dh and I.

However, there is no way on earth I would want them to bring up dd2 but neither would I want the girls to be split up as they are very close.

My parents are too old, dh's not in great health and live 4hrs away (also the girls only see them once a year for various reasons). I only have one brother, who adores them but is single and a bit unsettled job-wise.

Know we need to appoint guardians but just don't know who they could be.

This is just horrible isn't it - been going to write a will since dd was born 4 years ago but just can't commit to anyone!

We are going to do it soon though and are likely to say something like want my sister (who is pretty young free and single but the best with DCs) to have over all guardianship but discuss the living arrangements with all DCs/my parents and other sisters. Like the idea of a letter explaining the decission. Really must get around to doing it.........

Haven't read through this thread so appologies. 1st get an enormous bottle of wine. Then before you open it write an enormous note to yourself that will be very very visible saying "BUT ITS OK COS I'M NOT GOING TO DIE". Then think through your friends and find one that cares for your children almost as much as you and decide to ask them. I have 3 children. I would never ever give my children to my mother NO WAY! His mother would be great but as you say not young, not getting younger and 3 kids knackers her out when she's here for the week despite doing her best to run round and give me a rest (ah bless). In terms of family the only viable option would be my youngest brother but he's only 21 so if we died in the next 5 year its almost the opposite of grandparents being too old iyswim. So to cover the gap we approached my best friend and her husband. We approached her when we only had 1. Given that she only ever wanted 2 children herself and that her dh has "been snipped so to speak" she's been watching my ever increasing family with a mixture of love and pure fear. I suspect that if we ever had another (not planned) she'd insist on a stipulation that we never ever used the same transportation together etc. . Its not easy hence the bottle of wine but you also need to keep perspective that its unlikely hence the large note! Good luck! We spent soooo much time sorting out that aspect that when the solicitor finally asked what we'd do with our estate if we were all to die i.e. Us and the kids that we were left with no ideas - that option just hadn't occured to us. In the end my dh suggested selling the lot, putting all the money in a pot at the end of a very muddy field, putting all our relatives behind and race tape and blowing the whistle. Wills are hard hence why people shirk from them, try to write this will with a view to your future i.e. include any future kids. That way you don't have to revist the awful thing. Serious Good Luck

We are struggling with this one too.

Both my sister and DPs sister are lovely, and have young children and fairly similar parenting styles.

DP thinks my sister and family make too little money.
I think that our not seeing his sister and family very often is a more important consideration (they live a long way away).

We got stuck there and haven't talked about it since.

pregnantgrrrl - we found a specialist through our financial adviser - if you want the name please CAT me
i think it is costing £275 for the two wills
yes - it is a bit of an expense but worth it
we have written them generally so we don't need to update when we have our next child

Well it's good to know that we're not the only ones struggling with this one. -Horrible isn't it?

For me there are no obvious candidates apart from my Mum who would be fantastic but is 71 (so would be 89 when my current bump is 18).
Been trying to come up with a list of ideal criteria to work out who might fit the bill:

Ideally we need people who:

1. already have a close and good relationship with the kids
2. want more kids (think about people we know who have tried and failed to conceive?)
3. would have a strong sense of moral duty -not necessarily to our child in particular, but to any child who had been orphaned and needed them
4. would be young/old enough
5. share our parenting values
6. share our wider values and morality
7. would not find the financial burden unmanagable
8. would be able to turn down the request if they wanted to (can't have someone saying 'yes' to be polite).
9. whose own lives and children could take the strain.

Does that sound reasonable? Needless to say i can't think of anyone who ticks more that about one box...

Sorry for long last message.

Wanted to thank Faylisa for useful info on the status of guardianship clause in a will. Do you also happen to know how a family court makes these decisions? -For example if all else were equal, would it favour mother's family over father's for example??

We have put in our will that we would like both grandmothers to place the children where they feel it is most appropriate. Maybe a bit of a cop out but peoples circumstances change and those friends of ours that only have one child now may have 3 at the time the a decision needs to be made or those that are single now (EG my brothers) may have a family and be able to care for my children at such a time.

We are both very close to our parents and know they would make the right choice.

RubySlippers - is that for tax planning wills? If not seems expensive.

AgathaRose, I don't think you will ever get people who tick all that list.

It's a good list. But if you get people who fulfill 75% of it, you'll be doing well.

For an example of cost DH (partner - solicitor - specialising in this area of law)charges £150 plus VAT for mirror image basic wills. For tax planning mirror wills it is £500 plus VAT. Individual wills are £100 plus VAT.

God it is so hard. DS is 6 and we still haven't done it.

My parents are too old.
Ditto DH's step-mum.
My sis1 - bipolar with 3 dcs and a DH who has drink issues and I don't like her parenting.
My sis2 - smokes and doesn't discipline her DS. Her DH has a tendency to get into fights!
My sis3 - no for various reasons.

And our DS would be VERY wealthy if we both went together. So we would be looking at good private education, uni if he wanted etc. It;s a big burden.

Have sort of decided on some friends. Will broach the subject over wine at New Year!

are the homemade will packs ok or should you definitely do it through a solicitor?

So is lining likely people up and playing ipa dippa dation my operation......... the wrong answer then?

DIY wills really shouldn't be used. Neither should those will writer wills. For a decent job - for a will that you know will actually stand up in court and be right if ever contested - then use a solicitor, ideally one who deals with this area of law as his specialism. Might be slightly more expensive but you get what you pay for!

Said it before on here but DH makes more money from sorting out badly drawn up DIY and will writer wills then he does from writing a bespoke will in the first place.

jajas - Is she a lone parent? If so, it would go in statutory trusts until children turned 18. Trustees would be most appropriate persons for the children - often the father plus maybe one of her parents. Normally left to those surviving to decide on trustees. If contested would be court's decision.

Hi there. We made a will when our first was born and updated them this year as now she is 9 and her brother 7 the situation is different. We changed the guardians from a sister in law in Kent to my nephew who lives five minutes from us and has just started his own family. Rationale was that with both parents dead the kids would want as much stability as possible so we also made an expression of wishes which stated that we would like the kids to stay at the same school, continue with the same activites etc. Losing your parents and then being carted miles away from friends and school didn't seem a good idea.

Making a will is an essential for anyone with a child under 18. Gried can do funny things to relatives who suddenly appear out of the wordwork deciding they should take the children and at the end of the day the worst thing for the children is uncertainty at a time like that.

When my two dss were young my parents were appointed guardians if they needed looking after as my mother was 44 when ds1 was born. Ds1 is now 33 and we have a 15 year old dd so when he left university we changed our wills so he was guardian. We have since changed our wills again and both sons would be her guardians as we feel that they would be able to discuss the best things available for her. Mind you at 15 she has very strong opinions of what she wants so they could have a difficult time.